Sandwich Dreams
by heelstominivan
Summary: Foul-mouthed & reckless, Bella was carrying around a suitcase full of drama when she met Edward. Their rollercoaster ride involves bad language & juicy lemons, but when put together it forms one very funny beautiful mess. AH. Rated M.
1. Chapter 1

Warning: There is a reason why this story is rated "M"! You can expect adult language (I was a truck driver in a previous life), drugs & alcohol, and sex! Yup, I'm hoping for some good sex. And, there _may_ be a little lesbian action… maybe (I'm not going to ruin it for you). So, if you don't feel comfortable with these topics then I would suggest not reading any further.

Side note: I would love to find a Beta (or two), so if you are one or if you know one, please PM me. My grammar & everything else sucks! I'm currently trying to get a refund from my college but they told me to fuck off!  So, until I can make it into an Ivy league master's program, I'm going to need some help! 

**Disclaimer: Please don't sue me!!! Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I'm just a lame newbie writer trying to entertain a few people.**

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Chapter 1

Seriously, how hard is it to find a room for rent? I've been searching the Pennysaver, Craigslist, and the newspaper for weeks and nothing has seemed to work out. Every time I find a possible living arrangement, something in my head has to go and fuck it up. Like the old lady who was so sweet, however, I knew she wouldn't be cool with my late night rendezvous with random men or my occasional late night rendezvous with random women. Look, I have no problem appreciating all of what God has created. And when I say appreciate, that means fucking it until I can't walk straight.

I did find one amazing house with incredibly cheap rent. When I met the middle aged couple I assumed that the cheap rent was a mistake. You know what they say about assuming. Well, within 10 minutes I noticed them staring at my breasts and my other girly parts. And when that wasn't enough evidence, I definitely caught on when they asked me if I would want my own room or if I just wanted to share with them. Hmmm, thanks but no thanks. Threesomes are cool and all, but this couple gave me the creeps. The guy was overweight and needed to seriously invest in some deodorant and the chick was Butch in a Samantha Ronson kind of way. I quickly got the fuck out of there. Because there was no way I was going to eat nasty pussy while some gross perv watched, or worse tried to join in. As I was running to my car, I made sure to yell at the chick that unless she was trying to fuck disease infested Lindsey Lohan; she should stay away from the fedoras, put some more makeup on, and invest in jeans that aren't 3 sizes too small. I hope she takes my advice.

A few weeks later I stumbled upon a new ad on Craigslist in search of a roommate with decent rent, close proximity to the college I was attending in the fall. It mentioned "females only", so I was hoping it was a few college chicks. I called the number in the ad and quickly got a voicemail with a girl's voice, that didn't sound old enough to even own a cell phone, let alone put it on a Craigslist ad. Wait, is this some new freak show circus? Hell no, there is no way I'm messing around with some underage chick in front of her dad, well, unless she looks like Megan Fox… wait, that's still wrong… sort of.

"Hey you've reached Alice. Sorry I missed your call, please feel free to leave a message and I will most likely never return it. Unless this is Hermes and you finally have my Berkin bag that I've been waiting on FOREVER. I will return your call immediately. TTFN…. Beep"

"Ummm… Hi, I'm calling about your room for rent. If it's still available, and if this isn't some fucked up freak show, then please call me back at (619)555-1212… thanks." I quickly hung up the phone and prayed to god that I wasn't going to get a phone call back from the FBI wondering why I was calling some child predator or something. Especially since my response would be along the lines of me finding an ad on Craigslist, which will probably throw up immediate red flags and put me in a shared cell with some chick who goes by the name of "Sugar Momma" and refers to me as "Rim Shot".

The thought of being a prison bitch to some sumo wrestling Butch didn't bring me such excitement, so I decided to snoop around in my cousin's bedroom. My cousin, Jessica, and I have been pushed into being friends for years. Our mother's are sisters and they assumed since we were both relatively close in age, that we would be instant BFF's. Well, it didn't really work out that way. Jessica is a dirty whore. Now, that may make me sound like a hypocrite, but_,_ I'm not a dirty whore. I've always picked my men, or women, because I was attracted to them and they looked clean. Jessica, on the other hand, just makes sure the guy has a pulse and she's ready to go. Not to mention, she dresses like she got wasted and extremely high and then went on a shopping spree at the local Wally World. She loved to wear colored push up bra's ,that were two sizes too small, under wife beaters and then either ripped up daisy dukes or ripped jeans, depending on the weather. Her already natural blond hair was bleached beyond repair and she twisted it into different buns scattered all over her head. I assumed she was trying to copy Gwen Stefani, if Gwen were a trailer park trash hooker.

As much as I loathed Jessica, I needed to keep up the façade that we were friends while I was crashing at her pad. She moved down to San Diego a few years before me to go to college, however, she was recently kicked out and was now enrolled in the ever so wonderful South Hope Junior College which most people referred to as Skank-Ho Central. Usually, you got downgraded to SHC if you preferred to use your pen in the lecture hall as a tool to masturbate in front of a frat boy, instead of taking notes. I honestly would be afraid to sit on a chair at SHC due to the ever so overcrowded population of genital crabs, so for Jessica it probably felt just like home.

In her side table I found the typical vibrator, lube, edible candy bra, which I stuffed in my pocket, who knows when this could come in hand, weighted nipple clamps and surprisingly, condoms. Hmmm… I honestly didn't expect her to own condoms. Especially since Jessica assumed that it was natural for a girl's crotch to itch all day long.

"What the fuck are you doing in my room?"

Ooops, busted. I looked up at the skank while shoving her drawer shut, "Nothing."

"Yeah, that doesn't look like nothing. Bella, if you're going to borrow something, just make sure you clean it afterwards."

"What the fuck? NO WAY! I don't borrow people's sex toys. What the hell is wrong with you?" There was no way of hiding the disgust on my face. I know we are family and all, but there are lines that I draw and having to explain to the free clinic how I got crabs from sharing my cousin's dildo is one of them.

"Whatever. Did you find a place to stay yet? School will be starting in a few weeks and my roommates would like for you to get off our sofa."

I would be pissed at the thought that she was basically trying to kick me out, but, I've been sleeping on their sofa for three weeks now, which is two and half weeks longer then what I anticipated. Not to mention, I've eaten all the food in their fridge and drank all their liquor in the cabinets. Whatever. "I left a message today for a new place. So as long as it's not some child porn ring then I'm as good as gone."

"I thought you liked child porn?"

"No," I laughed, "I just like to stare at the pimple face boys and daydream about all the things I could teach them." Seriously, who could resist a west dream about the virginal Jonas Brothers?

"You're sick. Anyway, a bunch of my friends and I are going to the gas lamp district tonight. If you want to come, be ready at eight." She turned around and walked into her bathroom, slamming the door behind her.

Typically I wouldn't be caught dead with this chick but, I don't know anyone in this town. Bored as fuck, and need something to do. So, I glanced at her alarm clock and notice that it's only four which means I have three more hours to nap before I have to shower. Perfect.

_If you're horny, let's do it_

_Ride it, my pony_

_My saddle's waitin'_

_Come and jump on it_

_FUCK! _Every time I'm in the middle of a hot sexy day dream of Robert Pattinson and Johnny Depp sandwiching me, my cell phone rings. Life truly sucks!

_If we're gonna get nasty baby_

_First we'll show and tell_

_Till I reach your pony tail_

"WHAT?!" I tried not to open my eyes in hopes that my sandwich can continue after a short commercial break.

"Ummm… sorry. This is Alice. I was returning your call about the room for rent."

She sounded so sweet and cute, just like her voicemail. I'm surprised by the bubbly personality that shined through in her voice and to my dismay, I opened my eyes.

"Fuck," I whispered.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Did I dial the wrong number?"

"Oops…. No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that out loud. Sorry. I was in the middle of a really good dream." Okay, she must think I'm a real nut job. Then again, this could still be some crazy freak show looking for a new employee, so maybe this will help my chances in getting the room.

She giggled, "Now you must share. What were you day dreaming about?"

Without even thinking I blurted out, "Rob Pattinson and Johnny Depp… oh, and me, of course."

"Alright, the room is officially yours! And you're now my new best friend." Her laughter was contagious and I was having problems catching my breath.

"Thanks. Seriously though, if it's still available, can I come down and check it out?"

"Of course, we're leaving right now for the gas lamp district, but maybe tomorrow. Would that work for you?"

"Yeah, that would be great."

"Perfect. The address is 853 Montana Drive. Can you be here at noon?"

"No problem. I'll see you at noon. Or maybe we'll bump in to each other tonight. I'm heading out shortly to gas lamp also."

"Really? That's great. Would you like to hook up?"

Like the 12 year old boy that I am, I started to laugh at her asking me to hook up since my mind is always in the gutter. She quickly caught on and also giggled. "Well, I usually like to meet my chicks first before we jump in the sack, but yeah, that sounds great. What bar will you be at?"

"I think we're going to Leather and Lace, it's a new dance club down there."

"Great. I'll call you when I'm there."

"See you then."

I snapped shut my cell phone, jump off the STD infested sofa and head to the bathroom. If I'm going to get the room, I should probably look good. And showing good hygiene can't hurt either.

I took a lot longer than normal getting ready and doing my makeup. I decide that since we're going to a night club I should dress and look the part. I straightened my long brown hair and put on a fair amount of makeup, making sure my eyes were drastic and my lips were soft and subtle. I dug through my suitcase and decided on wearing my extremely distressed skinny jeans, a white tank that hit about an inch below my bra, a woven black leather vest, and the world's best "fuck me" black leather platform heels that criss-crossed in the front and had a big buckle around my ankle.

"Holy shit Bella. If you weren't my cousin, I would throw you on my bed right now." Jessica stood at the doorway to the bathroom staring at me with her mouth open. I'm sure that she was surprised because the nicest thing I wore since I've been here were my Victoria Secret sweats.

"Yeah, well I'm actually going to meet up with a possible roommate tonight. She's going to be at Leather and Lace."

"Good luck with that," Jessica said, while walking back into her room.

"Why? Is the place crappy?"

"NO! It's the shit. Or so I've been told. Problem is, you have to be famous or rich to get in. I heard that the line is wrapped around the building by 6pm every night and no one from the line ever gets in."

Hmmm. I'm always up for a new challenge. And with my tight ass and incredibly perky boobs, I wasn't too afraid.

Jessica insisted on driving her ugly ass turquoise blue Ford Fiesta. I claimed shot gun and threw down a bunch of Del Taco napkins on the seat before sitting down. Not that it would protect me from much, but the thought of one less crab was reassuring. Four of her whore friends squeezed into the backseat wearing clothes straight out of the JcPenny's catalog, and started to talk to me as if we had been friends for years. I quickly slumped down, hoping to save whatever was left of my dignity.

As we pulled up to the club I noticed that parking was valet only, so trying to avoid the horrific scene, I talked Jessica into dropping me off a block away from the club. I lied and said that my new "friend" was going to meet me outside. I would have promised her my first born child in order to get out of being seen with the skanks in front of a kick ass club.

When I got to the front of the club I realized that Jessica was right, they weren't even looking at you unless you were on the list. _Crap!_ I could call Alice and ask her to get me in, but I wanted to give a good first impression. So, I did what any self respecting girl would have done… I pushed my tits up to my chin and pushed my pants down low enough for everyone around to realize that I liked Brazil.

I walked up to the steroid using bouncer and immediately handed him my ID.

"Are you on the list?" He asked, without even looking at me.

"Possibly," I said in my sexy "do-me" voice.

I could tell that he was intrigued by my voice and looked up at my face. Then his eyes slowly looked down to my boobs and then my pelvis bones. His serious expression turned into a smile and without saying a word he unhooked the velvet rope and waved me in.

I hesitated for a minute, thinking that I should probably wait for the skanks. But fuck it. I would hate for anyone to think that they were my friends. Or admit to even knowing them.

I walked through the door and headed straight to the bar. There is no point in going to a club if you don't get wasted. I ordered a Boilermaker, because you can't go wrong with a shot of tequila and a beer. I squeezed my way through the overcrowded bar and finally made it to the dance floor. Looking around I noticed a smoking hot, petite, little pixie. She had a black spiky haircut, that I wished I could rock, and a killer black leather mini dress with red hooker platform shoes. I tried very hard to control myself because every part of me wanted to push her off the platform she was standing on, rip off her panties and eat her until the sun came up. However, a huge part of me was thinking that this might be Alice. She fit the voice on the phone perfectly.

A remix version of "Blame It" from Jamie Foxx came on and I couldn't keep my eyes off her as she bent all the way down to the floor and popped back up while smacking her ass. She seriously had me reconsidering ever having sex with men again. This could not be good. I need to start thinking different thoughts; she could be my future roommate. I closed my eyes for a second and pictured my cousin and her friends, and immediately my butterflies in my stomach changed to the overwhelming feeling of wanting to hurl.

I casually walked over to Alice and pulled myself up to the platform, making sure my tatas were still hitting my chin. I wanted to make sure she saw my "references" right away.

"HEY," I tried to scream over the pounding music. It obviously didn't work, because she was still in the music induced coma singing along to the song while swinging her hips back and forth. Fuck. I realize the best way to get her attention is to join her. So I put my beer on the ground and start to shake my ass. Thankfully, I knew how to shake what my momma gave me, plus some.

"NICE OUTFIT!" She screamed, finally realizing I was standing next to her.

"Thanks. Are you Alice?"

"OH MY GOD! Are you Bella?" She started to bounce up and down as if someone had stuck an ice cube in her pants. I took a step back giving her some space because obviously she was a spaz, yet, she leaped forward and squeezed me tight. _Fuck._ She even smelled good.

"Yeah, I'm Bella," I spit out trying not to look at anything besides her eyes. I knew if I decided to venture down any further, I would be having naughty dreams of Tinkerbelle for the next week.

"GUYS! GET OVER HERE!" She screamed, while waving her hand at a large group of people sitting at a private booth in the corner.

"Who are they?" I asked, while nodding my head in the direction of the booth.

"Those are your roommates."

"What? I thought that you would be my roommate," I looked down, trying to hide my disappointment.

"No, I'm getting married. That's why the room is vacant," she couldn't wipe the smile off her face as she flashed me the huge fucking rock on her finger. I don't know much about diamonds but that had to be at least 5 carats. It was amazing and surprising, I would have expect something small and dainty of her hand. Instead, it was the size of her head, or better yet, the size of her gigantic personality.

"If you're not going to be my roommate, then who will be?"

She grabbed my hand and dragged me through the crowd to the back booth, which was oozing with skanks. I honestly couldn't count how many whores were sitting at the booth, on the table, and standing around it. You would have thought that Brad Pitt was at the booth by the amount of drool coming out of these chicks' mouths. Alice pushed them aside, as if second nature, and approached the table with me being dragged behind her. She had a tight fucking grip. I bet she gave great hand jobs.

"Bella, I would like to introduce you to your new roommates. Emmett and Edward," She pointed at two guys sitting down, being grabbed and fondled by the crowd of women.

_OH MY FUCKING GOD!_ I was trying to keep my mouth closed and not look like an idiot but how was that possible when I was staring at the most gorgeous man I've ever seen in my life. He looked up and acknowledged me with a wink. _Shit._ I tried to control myself, but it was too late, I felt the pool in my pants and instantly started to regret my decision on going commando. This guy was officially replacing Johnny in my sandwich dreams. And if the evening goes well, Alice will be replacing Rob.

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**I hope that all of you enjoyed the first chapter! ******

**My life revolves around feedback, so if you could please **

**leave me some I would be forever grateful.**

Side note (again): I would love to find a Beta (or two), so if you are one or if you know one, please PM me. My grammar sucks! I'm currently trying to get a refund from my college but they told me to fuck off!  So, until I can make it into an Ivy league master's program, I'm going to need some help! 


	2. Chapter 2

I want to give a few shout outs:

Thank you to my new beta _Edward_Is_my_only_love_. She rocks and you should check out her stories! Heads up, since she was out of town this week you'll see all of my errors, I will update the chapter when she returns with the corrections.

Also, I want to say thank you to _Sweet ciccio_ who stepped in when my beta was out to give me some feedback. She's working on a few stories right now and I will let you know when they are up.

**Disclaimer: Please don't sue me!!! Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I'm just a lame newbie writer trying to entertain a few people.**

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Chapter 2

I was stuck there just staring at him and his copper hair, which he should seriously patent and start selling to the masses, and his green eyes with a hint of yellow in the middle. I started to imagine my hands playing with his messy hair; I just wanted to grab it and yank on it. I typically went for blond hair and blue eyed guys, and I preferred them to be tan, unlike this dude, but he was a demographic buster, I'm sure he caused EVERY girl to wet herself.

As we both stared into each other's eyes, ignoring the club music and the people surrounding us, I realized I was drooling like a teething toddler. I tried to wipe my face with the backside of my hand, hoping no one would notice, but that didn't work- fucker just smiled at me. He had this crooked grin that made me wish it was his drool I was wiping off my face.

I could have stared at him all night, but my plan was ruined when the whore sitting next to him grabbed the collar of his black shirt and shoved her fucking tongue down his throat. I couldn't help but giggle at her unwanted zoom-in. Seriously, she had issues with kissing, such as the drool that poured out of her mouth and down his chin, that she obviously never worked out with her teddy bear alone in her room when she was in junior high, like I did. Maybe I should let her borrow _Bee,_ my teddy. Or maybe I should get her email address and send her some helpful websites. Either way, the disgust on _my_ man's face was hard not to notice. And yes, I just claimed him. He is the best looking man I've ever set my eyes on. So, until he files a restraining order, I'm going to be obsessed with him like Glenn Close. Minus the whole boiling the rabbit, because that is just totally fucked up.

Deciding to give the fish her privacy, I turned towards the other guy at the booth and walked up a little closer reaching out my hand to him"Hi, I'm Bella."

I hadn't notice him at first, but who could when Mr. Fuck-Me-Right-Here-Right-Now is sitting next to him, but he was also hot… and fucking huge! He had light brown hair and blue eyes. Did I say that he was huge? Seriously though, I think his mom fed him roids in his baby bottle and I would put money on him having an IV connected to him under the table right now. There was no way that anyone could be that big without "extra help." Hmmm, I wonder if he had a huge dick to go with his body or if it was like the size of my pinky because of the roids? Either way, a part of me really wanted to find out.

He reached across the table and grabbed my hand in return, gripping it WAY too hard for my liking, "Hey, what's up Beautiful. I'm Emmett." The he gave me a wink and a grin, similar to what Edward had done, but not nearly as successful. Instead of overflowing the lake that was collecting in my pants, he dried that shit up quick. I could feel that he had a large ego problem. I wanted to walk away or say something rude, just to fuck with him, but I needed an apartment, so I smiled in return.

I felt awkward standing there. I looked around for Alice but she was back on top of the platform shaking her ass again. Damn. Seriously, I never thought of Tinkerbelle in a perverted way but I was going to have some naughty dreams tonight. They were going to include Tink and Wendy doing some nasty shit that I'm sure Disney wouldn't be so proud of. _Pop, Lock and Drop It_ from _Huey_ was shaking the walls of the club and right as the chorus hit she rolled her hips from side to side perfectly with the beat. When the girl started to sing _Pop_ she arched her back then pushed her hands out in front of her at _Lock_. She dropped to the floor at _and Drop it_, facing me with her legs wide open. Under her black leather mini dress she had on a red lace thong that matched her shoes perfectly. _Fuck me!_

I don't think I've ever drooled so much in one night. I felt like a mix between some nasty old pervert and some adolescent kid who had never been laid. I seriously needed to run in the bathroom and Jill off, but the line was longer to get in the bathroom than it was to get into this club. I looked around, hoping to find an empty corner and possibly a chair for better positioning myself. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me? This couldn't be good. Earlier today I was worried these people would be part of some freak show, and now I'm standing in the middle of a club looking for a place where I can get myself off. I made a mental note to call my school in the morning and make myself an appointment to see a shrink. This could not be healthy.

I decided to turn back to the table, hoping to maybe get to know Edward and Emmett or at least distract me from Alice's panties. Edward had his eyes closed and a very familiar smirk on his face. I've seen this smirk many times in my life; like on Brian Owen's face on our way home from prom when I decided to introduce him to road head. Or Mike Gillespie when at the movies, I reached down for the popcorn and decided on playing with his sausage instead. Needless to say, I can never watch Jerry McGuire again without thinking of Mike!

That skank was sitting down at the booth trying to paint the ceiling with _MY_ man's cock. I'm typically not a selfish person and wouldn't mind sharing, especially with a hot chick, but, she wasn't even hot. She had Strawberry Short Cake red hair, which I would bet money matched her crotch, and dingy blue eyes. If you looked close enough, I'm sure you would see the viruses jumping off of her. Another thing I hated about this chick… _she_ was giving him the smirk and not me. I really wanted to walk up to her and cut the bitch, however, another arrest would not look good on my future resume. So I did the next best thing- I sat down next to Emmett and flirted.

"So Emmett," I said while squeezing into the end of the booth, sitting down right next to him, making sure that my tatas were still in their perky position. On the other side of him was fire crotch and beside her was _my_ Edward. "Are you in college?" I asked while giving him the best _come here and fuck me_ smile.

He let out a laugh which confused me. Was he gay? He had to be because I gave him an amazing smile, my boobs are perfect, and my outfit wasn't leaving much to the imagination. My mind, because it's filled with filth, started to immediately wander to ideas of Emmett and some hot guy who looked like Mark Wahlberg. Emmett was taking it rather than giving, due to the fact that he would probably break Mark and because of the small size penis I was imagining him packing.

"No Bella, I'm not in school." _Oh!_ I forgot we were still talking. My mind was racing so much that I started to picture him in a three way with Mark and Donnie Wahlberg, and then the idea of all of the New Kids joining in. _Crap!_ I would have no problem paying to watch that. Yeah, they are great in concert and all, but I would rather watch them play naked twister with Emmett.

"Oh… ok… do you work then?" Trying to figure out something to say that didn't involve the New Kids and/or a game of circle jerk.

The smile grew on his smug face and I could hear the laughter coming from a bunch of tramps, who were sitting around the booth in chairs. Obviously, there was a joke that was going way over my head. _Crap!_ Did I say something out loud by accident? Oh shit, how do I explain my dirty mind?

"I play for the San Diego Sabers." _San Diego Sabers?_ Who the fuck are they? It sounded like some type of sports team but I had no clue what sport. I had no idea what to say to him, did this mean he played on a professional sports team or something? I decided to smile and nod my head, hoping no one would catch on to my blond moment. My dad would be so ashamed of me right now.

"So Bella,' o_h fuck me_, Edward just said my name. I felt my vagina start to twitch, calling out to him and begging him to lick it. I looked over to his face and could see that he was talking, but I zoned him out. I just stared at his lips moving up and down and pictured me sitting on top of them.

"Bella," Edward's velvet voice said again, ruining my daydream.

"What?" I responded trying to hide how annoyed I was. He was totally cock-blocking my dream.

"Did you hear anything I just said?"

Should I fess up and tell him about my fantasy? Maybe he would want to replay it right here, right now. Right in front of fire crotch; I bet she could help steady my legs as I lowered myself onto his face. "Sorry, the music is loud." Yeah, I totally chickened out.

All the whores started to laugh again and I was seriously starting to get pissed.

"Honey," fire crotch said while looking at Edward and rubbing his leg, "maybe she's retarded." Seriously, this bitch just finished fishing for pocket trout in the middle of a crowded bar and she was going to start calling me names? Hell no!

I looked at her trying to throw daggers with my eyes, "Yeah, I'm pretty sure that it's not politically correct to call people retarded." I wanted to cuss the bitch out and throw down, but Emmett and Edward were both at the table and I couldn't ruin my chances of getting this apartment because of my anger issues.

"Fine then, you're not retarded, just ugly and desperate… and you need to stop drooling over my boyfriend." _Boyfriend?!_ Hell no! He could do WAY better then that… like me.

"Look Bitch, You and I both know that I'm far from ugly. I'm sure you've already imagined me naked at least five times in the last five minutes. However, I need to let you know, before you get your hopes up, I'm a vegetarian and don't eat crabs," I grinned, "And, by the way, that wasn't drool. I obviously forgot it from when I was sucking YOUR boyfriend off earlier." I glanced at Edward who was smiling from ear to ear, obviously not mad by my comment.

"FUCKING BITCH!" She screamed as she tried to jump over Emmett to get to me. Emmett pushed her back down, trying to keep the situation under control.

"Actually… I think he said 'fuck me harder, bitch!'"

I don't really know what happened next. All of a sudden, Edward had me thrown over his shoulder and was rushing me out the back door of the club. I noticed Alice running behind, us and in the distance Emmett was still at the booth trying to hold back about seven whores who were ready to fuck me up.

"PUT ME DOWN!" I screamed.

"HELL NO…. Bella, you need to calm down." Why the hell would I calm down? If this bitch wants to talk shit then she better be able to hold her own because after ten years of keeping my ass tight with kickboxing three days a week, I was ready to go. I felt like Mike Tyson, my adrenaline was rushing and I wanted to knock the bitch out or at least bite off a chunk of her ear.

As I semi-laid there, while he walked me to the parking lot like some type of caveman, I realized how stupid I probably looked. Fire crotch really didn't say much to me and I'm pretty sure that my comments were much worse. Something literally took over me when she referred to Edward as her boyfriend. I met the guy only an hour before, and yet I was already willing to kick some girl's ass over it. Wow! I really need to make that shrink appointment.

"Where's your car parked?" He asked me, while gently putting me back down on the ground.

_FUCK!_ My cousin… oh my god! She was going to kill me. I totally ditched her and her friends, and I'm sure my cell phone had at least 50 missed calls from her. I had turned it off when I walked into the club, not wanting to be disturbed with a reminder as to how crappy I was. How do I explain this to him?

"Actually, my cousin drove me here." Which really wasn't a lie, more like a half truth.

"Well, we can wait for a taxi, but I'm sure that can take hours at this time of night." He looked down at his watch and then back at me. "If you want, I can take you home."

Alright, so the freak show theory has never been proven or disproven. However, he was fucking hot and something about him just made me throw all of my logic thinking out the door.

"That would be great… if you don't mind of course."

"No problem at all." He put his arm over my shoulder, I assumed he did it because it was cold and I was practically naked but I forced myself to believe he also felt the same spark. Then he led me over to the valet booth and handed the young guy a ticket.

"Edward… Bella… wait up." I heard Alice calling from behind us. I expected her to be a little pissed because I just ended their night early, yet, she sounded way too happy. She had to be on something… seriously. When she walked up closer to us I started to stare at her nose, hoping to find some left over powder which would solve my confusion. But there was nothing. _Fuck!_ A part of me was hoping to see a little powder, because right now, that shit sounded like a great idea.

"What's up sis?" Hmmm… Edward just called her sis. I never really noticed any similarities in the two, so I just assumed they were friends. I guess I probably should have gotten to know them better before I undressed them with my eyes, or imagined me doing X rated things to them, and tried to start fights with their friends.

"You can't just leave and not tell me where you're headed to."

"Oh… I was just going to take Bella home."

"Ummm… it's not that late. And, we haven't even gotten a chance to hang out with her yet. How about if we meet up at Twilight's?"

I looked up at him, trying to figure out what the hell Twilight's was. He noticed me staring and shot me another crooked smile, which made me gitty like some school aged virgin. "Bella," he whispered, "would you like to go home or would you rather stay out longer with us?"

My heart melted when I heard him use the word "us". I have no idea why, especially since "us" didn't really include me. But, whatever, he could have asked me to go with him to take a crap in some port-a-potty and I would have gone. "I would love to keep hanging out with you guys."

"YEAH!" Alice started to jump up and down. I could see her boobs bouncing and realized that she didn't have a bra on. _Fuck me!_ God seriously must hate my guts. Why would he be doing this to me right now? I have the most amazing looking man in the world holding me and his hot ass sister is doing a little dance for me, without a bra on and her nipples were definitely standing at attention. I need a cold shower, or a vibrator, or maybe even both.

Alice ran back inside the club to most likely tell Emmett what was going on, and I followed Edward to the Aston Martin that had just pulled up in front of us. The valet opened up the passenger side door for me and helped me get in. As I sat down on his soft cold black leather seats, I looked over to him and leaned across the stick shift trying to push my body as close as I could to his ear and whispered, "So, is that girl really your girlfriend?"

I could hear his breathing speed up and he tightened his grip on the steering wheel. I was expecting him to say something, but instead he just shook his head no. I let out a little giggle and smiled. Sitting back into my seat, I fastened the seatbelt and decided to let my feelings out.

"Good, because I would need to ask my doctor about getting some type of vaccination against herpes or at least an unlimited refill for penicillin. That chick definitely looked used."

Dead silence… and it seemed to last forever. I didn't want to look over at him, just in case he was pissed, so I decided on looking straight ahead, reading the signs on the freeway. _Where the hell are we going and why the hell are we driving so fast?_

"So, you didn't like Amanda?" he said while still driving at an extremely high rate of speed.

"Ummm… if Amanda is the birth given name for 'Fire Crotch', then no… not so much." I turned my head towards him and noticed that he wasn't paying attention the road, instead he was smiling and looking at me. "KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD!" I screamed. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"What are you talking about?" He asked while looking back to the road in front of us.

"You really need to get your eyes checked because I'm pretty sure that sign we just passed said something about only going 65 miles per hour, and I would bet a lot of money that you're going much faster than that. Not to mention, if you're going to drive at this speed, keeping your eyes on the road would probably help." I pushed my hands under my thighs, hoping to hide the fact that they were shaking. If he knew my past, I'm sure he would understand my fear, but there was no way I was going to open up to him. Well, open my heart that is… my legs were a different story.

"I'm sorry," wow, his voice was so sexy, "I didn't mean to upset you. I'll slow down."

The awkward silence appeared again and I was trying to figure out where the hell we were going.

"We better not be headed to Mexico," I tried to say in a joking manner. However, I really was starting to get nervous.

He let out a huge laugh. "Why? Do you not like Mexico?"

"Mexico is great and all, but I'm warning you now…. I don't do donkey shows!"

I thought we were going to crash when his laugh turned into hysterics. I kept watching him, hoping that he was still breathing. Wait, maybe it would be better if he stopped breathing. I've always wanted to practice CPR. Yum.

"Well, what about donkey shows" I could hear him trying to calm down his laugh and actually put together a full sentence, "don't you like?"

"Oh, I don't have anything against a donkey show. Bestiality can be hot, especially this one time when I saw a video of a girl going down on a billy goat. I mean the billy goat was totally in to it and I actually think I heard it-"

"WHAT? Bella, you're seriously sick."

"Umm…. That's an understatement. Anyway, I just can't participate because honestly, animals don't really do anything for me and not to mention, I've tried to give change out of my hoo-haw before and it doesn't work. No matter how many kegels I do."

"OK… you really need to tell me that story, and you really need to set up an appointment with Dr. Higgins, an excellent shrink at the hospital. She'd be able to help you with your sexual problems. Seriously though, did someone touch you as a kid?" He laughed.

"Actually… yeah," I looked down at my hands, "once my neighbor's dad…"

"Bella, I'm so sorry, I was just kidding. I didn't mean to offend you. I'm so sorry. I feel like such an asshole." I could feel the sincerity in his voice and now I was feeling bad.

"Yes, you are an asshole. However, don't worry about it. No, I've never been touched, however, the next girl you make fun of might have been… so watch what you say, dick." I let out a little giggle.

"You're a bitch."

"Thank you, and yes, doggie style is one of my favorite positions."

"Seriously Bella, you need to consider talking with Dr. Higgins." We both broke out in laughter, even though a part of me was actually wondering if I could get her number. You know, just in case my school didn't have anyone I could talk with.

"We're here," Edward broke my thought about talking to a shrink and trying to work out all my shit that seems to affect my personal life on a daily basis.

I looked up to see that we were literally in the middle of the ghetto, or at least something close to it. We were parked in front of some dumpy dive bar, that had some cheesy neon light that read "Twilight" with a bright neon blue moon next to it. I could smell urine, even though all of the windows were rolled up, and there were girls who charged in five minute intervals were standing by the front door. Classy.

"Yeah, I'm going to wait out here. I'm all about a good time but a bar that is filled with half gang members and half trailer trash, doesn't sound all that exciting to me."

"What? Are you too good for this bar, or are you just scared that I will kick your ass at pool?"

Damn him, he was giving me that crooked grin again. Do you think he can read minds? Maybe he has this amazing sense of smell and can tell what it does to me. He sucks. Wait, hmmm. Ok, I'm trying to think clean thoughts. Yes, clean thoughts.

"Yes, I am too good for this place," I said with my own version of a hot grin, "although, I _never_ back down to a challenge. And I should warn you… I always win."

"Is that so?"

I kept the grin on my face and nodded my head yes.

"Well, it looks like we're going to have to make this game really fun. Up for a little bet?"

Hmmm… hell yes! I wonder if it's too soon to bet sexual favors. Like, I win he goes down and if I lose, then he still goes down. Yes! That sounds like a perfect bet.

"What do you have in mind?"

"Well, how about… if I win you do my laundry for a week?" What the hell… clean his laundry? Do you think that laundry is code word for penis? Like I can do his penis for a week? Seriously, he has a smoking hot chick in his car, wearing this amazing outfit, and he's asking me to do housecleaning? OH SHIT! Please God, don't let him be gay. If Emmett and he are gay lovers then I will seriously be in my own personal hell.

"Laundry? Seriously?" I raise my eyebrow, hoping he will change his mind.

"Yup… laundry. Your turn."

Hmmm, so if he said laundry then I need to revise my sexual favor theme. "Ok, if I win, then you wash my car... by hand."

We both smiled, shook hands, and made our way into the skanky shack. I really hope I packed my hand sanitizer!

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**Alright, did you enjoy it? Please let me know what you think.**

**I'm all about giving… yup… I'm a HUGE giver. So, if you leave me some love (or hate, whatever works for you) I will give some in return. Yup, leave me some feedback and I will send you a teaser from the next chapter! ******


	3. Chapter 3

_I want to give some major love to a few awesome people:_

_Pamela0201_- She is the best beta **ever**, thank you for stepping in while my beta's computer is down and really helping me out. I wouldn't have a chapter without you, and I owe you BIG time.

_Edwardsho-_ Thank you for also helping read my shit. I love you.

_Sweet ciccio_- You just rock, thank you for everything.

_IcelandGirl1812_- Thank you for the great tips!

A thread was just started for this story over at Twilighted. We talk about anything and everything, and I post teasers through out the week. It's a lot of fun & we would love for you to come over and say hello. Here is the link (please replace my words with the correct symbol:

www (dot) twilighted (dot) net/forum/viewtopic (dot) php?f=44&t=4591&start=0

**Disclaimer: Please don't sue me!!! Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I'm just a lame newbie writer trying to entertain a few people.**

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**Chapter 3**

This place looked like the typical dive bar you would find on any corner in any shitty town. It had dark wood paneling on the walls, more cheesy neon signs hanging over the bar, and the décor was straight out of the Salvation Army's fall catalog.

There were about 20 patrons in the bar, who I assumed were regulars. They were easily classified into five groups: junkies, hookers, skin heads, gang members, and people who talk to themselves. And since the group who talked to themselves seemed to be having the most fun, I decided that I wanted to join their group.

I smiled at all the men who were staring at me while I followed Edward over to the bar. I guess a part of me should have felt dirty for being eye fucked by a bunch of scum, but I kinda liked it. The idea of being the wet dream for these men tonight gave me some type of satisfaction which in return made me swivel my hips just a little bit more than normal while walking.

"What would you like to drink," Edward asked while placing his hand on my lower back and pushing me closer to his chest. I made a mental note that not only did Edward find the need to protect me from the cat-calls, he also seemed to be slightly jealous. This could definitely be used to my advantage later.

"Ummm…. Whatever you're having is fine."

As Edward ordered our drinks from the straight-out-of-prison bartender, I made my way over to the back of the room where there was a juke box calling my name. I started to push the button to scroll through their play selection; it consisted mostly of the typical bar songs like _I got friends in low places_, _Sweet Home Alabama_, _Margaritaville_, and _I love rock and roll_. Nonetheless there were a few songs that seemed to be perfect for livening up the joint.

"Here you go," Edward said placing a draft beer down on a table near the juke box. "Whatcha gonna play?" he raised an eyebrow.

"Hmmm… wouldn't you like to know?" I couldn't help but giggle. I was having an internal debate on whether I should go subtle or if I should just lay it all out there and let it be known that I wanted to do the horizontal tango with my possible future roommate. I kept looking back between him and the juke box until I noticed him licking his lips. Yup, the long luscious tongue reached out of his mouth and slowly moved from one side of his upper lip to the other in what looked to me as a welcoming sign. I decided at that moment that subtlety has never been my strong point. I put a quarter into the ancient machine, made my selection and took a sip from the draft beer that was sitting on the table in front of me.

"What is this crap?" I asked while spitting it out on the floor next to another puddle which I could only cross my fingers wasn't piss.

"Red Dog, it's kind of the beer of choice in this place."

"That is the nastiest shit I've ever tried. How can you drink that crap without getting sick?" I kept trying to wipe the taste out of my mouth with my arm but it wasn't working.

He started his laughing, again. I wish I could have reached over and smacked him but my stomach started making noise and I was afraid that any fast movement would result in some upchucking.

"Sorry Bella, is there something else you would prefer?"

"Ummm… I would like some sex on Mission Beach?"

"What? You mean you would like a sex on the beach"

"Yeah, isn't that what I said?" I smirked. He knew that I slipped on purpose but was trying to play dumb. Hmmm. I love the word dumb, it rhymes with…

_It's been a while since I've seen your face._

_Gotta say I'm happy to see you come around my place._

_Not, I think we've talked about it,_

_And I think I know whats coming up next._

_Let's put our minds away,_

_And let our hormones do the rest._

"Is this the song you picked?" I could tell he didn't know the song which made me internally giggle. I was so excited to see his face when the chorus started that I could feel my legs start to shake up and down.

_So don't be afraid when my pants start to leak_

Yup, like their doing right now.

_You know damn well I'm in my sexual peak_

_Well…_

_Why don't you have some dirty hot sex with me?_

At this point it was my turn to lift up an eyebrow and let him decide what it means. Instead of doing an internal giggle like I did earlier, he spit his drink out! I don't know if that was a good sign or not, but seeing as though he hasn't ran, I'm going with it being a good thing.

_It ain't like I'm asking you to give it up for free._

_We can start it right now_

Please, let's start it right now.

_Baby get on your knees._

Or, I can get on mine, which ever works best for you.

_Don't make me beg again._

Unless, you're into that sort of thing and want me to, then we can work something out.

I could tell that he was uncomfortable with the situation. He kept wiggling in his chair, which either meant he was debating on running out the door, or his third leg was making an entrance. But, before I could think about his third leg anymore, the jerk decided to make small talk.

"So Bella, tell me a little bit about yourself." His hand reached down below the table in an effort to adjust his third leg.

"A little bit about me? Okay, I'm from Seattle, Washington home of Nirvana and Starbucks; although, I've never liked either one. I have a small addiction to Twix candy bars and I'm a virgin. Is that enough information for you?" I had to throw in the virgin part, he looked so edible and all I wanted to do was jump over the table and see if he was willing to pop my cherry.

He let out an adorable laugh. "I'm going to ignore the virgin portion, because I find that hard to believe. Anyway, what do you like about Twix candy bars? I've never really enjoyed them."

"What do you mean you find it hard to believe? Do I look like some type of tramp or a CD, like the girls you were throwing yourself all over earlier this evening?" How dare he not believe that I was a virgin. Fuck him. Now I'm not going to share with him what part of my body still needs to be… violated.

"I never called you a tramp. You're just so beautiful and I assumed that men throw themselves at you all day long. I'm sure someone like you, with a huge following, eventually finds it hard to say no. You know?" He smiled, thinking that I actually bought his shit. "Oh, and, what the hell is a CD?"

"First off, I'm not going to eat that shit you just tried to spoon feed me. Second, Twix is the best candy bar around because you get two for one, not to mention once you bite off the top chocolate and caramel you're still left with the rock hard cookie, which is my favorite part. And third, a CD is a device used to store music on. They replaced cassette tapes and are now looking to be replaced by Mp3's."

"You're a tease. You buy a candy bar with two bars in it so that when your 'friend' is done with their snickers, you still have another one to eat. And, I bet you don't share. Oh, and I know what a CD is but why would you call my friends one?"

"I would tell you Edward, but you know me, I'm a tease."

His grin turned into a look of frustration. It made me grin in return. The idea that I was getting under his skin, sexually or not, was a major turn on.

"So Edward, tell me a little bit about you." I looked at him from under my eyelashes as I spoke; I've used this trick many times before and it has never let me down. Tonight was no different.

He grit his teeth, obviously deciding if he even wanted to answer my question. Then reluctantly he responded, "I was raised here in the San Diego area, I have two siblings who you already met, I have no animals because I can hardly take care of myself, and I'm a defense attorney. However, don't call me when you get some DUI or in trouble for selling yourself on the streets, I deal with more 'high profile' cases." He winked.

"Okay, well, I'm glad you enjoy insulting me. First, you call me a liar and doubt my sincerity when I tell you I'm a virgin. Then you call me a tease, a drunk, and a prostitute? Well, for the record, if I'm hooking it on the streets I guess the whole tease thing just got thrown out the window?"

"No, I bet you're a tease to the guys you like and a full on dirty, take charge whore to the ones who pay you."

"Well, sounds like our professions are pretty similar to each other. We both sell our souls to the highest paying piece of shit out there."

"Touché Bella, Touché."

Neither one of us had anything further to say. Our eyes met and for the first time, I didn't just look at him as some super hot piece of ass that I wanted to tap at least 100 times this evening alone, he seemed like someone I could really get comfortable with. Now, I'm not throwing around the whole 'L' word because I don't believe in that shit. All that crap about one perfect person out there for you is a bunch of shit that Disney made up in order to sell a few movies. Yet, I could see him being more than just a one night stand. Hmmm…. maybe.

"Well, well… don't you two look adorable?" I knew that voice anywhere. As I looked up to confirm my suspicion I saw Alice walking towards our table and Emmett standing at the bar ordering some drinks.

"Hi Alice, I've missed you." If only she knew.

"Thanks Bella, I've missed you too." She walked over to my chair and threw her tiny arm around my neck embracing me in a semi-hug. I took in a deep breath and tried to just enjoy the closeness of her breasts to mine. "So Edward," Alice asked, "Are you ready to get your assed kicked at pool?"

"Actually sis, Bella and I already made a little bet. So I'm going to have to give you a rain check. But don't worry, next time we come back, I will be more than happy to hand you your ass on a plate." He stood up, walked over to Alice and grabbed a huge chunk of her ass. And although it probably should be a little weird watching two siblings be so sexual with each other, I fully enjoyed it.

"What's this about a bet?" Emmett asked while walking up holding two beers and four shots.

"Bella is going to be doing my dirty laundry if I win, and if she wins then I will be washing her car." As Edward was explaining the bet to his brother and sister, I was picturing that commercial with Paris Hilton on top of the car, washing it with that black leather one-piece bathing suit covered in soapsuds while eating a hamburger. Except on Paris's body I'm picturing Edward's head, and it looks damn good. I zoned out the rest of their conversation and started to think about where I could purchase a black one piece and stripper heels that would fit Edward.

"Bella," Emmett nudged me and handed me my shot, "you need to join us for our toast before you start your game." We all lifted our shot glasses, filled with what smelt like some low budget tequila, and Emmett said the toast, "Bella, may you never go to hell, but always be on your way…. Like the rest of us!" My gay football player was a poet. I'm in love.

Edward _allowed_ me to break, mumbling something about women first. He didn't expect me to sink four balls, allowing me to pick stripes. I sank a few more before I fouled by scratching the cue ball. I looked over at Edward and he had a smug grin on his face. I hate him! He has this way of turning me on, even when he's totally being a fucking jerk. I crossed my fingers and prayed that he would follow suit and scratch. Of course he didn't and instead sunk two balls before setting the table up so that I had absolutely no shot when it became my turn.

We played in silence, focusing on our game and the lingering bet. Eventually Emmett and Alice got bored watching and walked over to some of the regulars and began swapping war stories. A few times I heard Emmett telling one of the drunks about his experiences during the Vietnam War, which cracked me up seeing as though I'm sure he wasn't even born then. The stories that Emmett was spewing started to get more elaborate and over the top with every drink he took. I was more focused on his bullshit than on the game when it happened. As I walked passed Edward to try and line up my shot, my hand accidently swept the back of his pants. Yup, I touched his ass! I didn't get to feel it for that long, but what I did feel would have turned the straightest man gay.

He immediately flinched and threw me a look of confusion. I knew that I had a choice, either admit it was an accident or explain to him that if I intentionally did it then I would have shoved both my hands down his pants and pretended to make bread. But, this felt like an opening -ha ha ha- to start up some major flirting. So I arched my eyebrow and licked my lips. He in return flashed me his Oscar winning grin, and I knew that it was on like Donkey Kong.

Slowly our flirting started to progress, at first it was just an occasional ass grab or a quick feel of my breasts while he passed me during the game. I in return would walk up and gently rub his inner thigh or sweep my hand quickly under his shirt to feel his abs. Yes, his abs. Those wonderful, God created wash board things he was trying to smuggle in his shirt. I fully planned to use them if I lost the bet and was forced to clean his laundry. Yum. Him naked in a bathtub filled of laundry soap, while I took his dirty boxer briefs and slowly rubbed them up and down his six pack. If there was a stain that needed some extra scrubbing I could use his-

"Bella, wake up, it's your turn." Fuck him for ruining my dreams.

I tried to concentrate on the game but Edward decided to get scandalous. I bent over to tap the 11 ball into the corner pocket when I felt his hand reach from behind me, in between my legs, and make itself extremely comfortable there. FUCK! I already had the Pacific fucking Ocean in my pants and now he's applying pressure and rubbing my clit through my pants. His hand lingered there a little longer then I expected, and after I missed my shot -dickhead- I turned around to look at him. He smiled, brought his fingers up to his nose and he smelt it. YUP! He fucking smelt me on his fingers, as I just stared at him with my mouth hanging open not knowing what to say or do.

I knew that it was my turn to pay him back. I imagined shoving him down on the table and riding him like a bull, while using the white trash Budweiser chandelier that was hanging over us for balance. I didn't care about the audience or anything; I just wanted to see how long he could last. As he passed behind me to line up his next shot, he whispered, "You sure don't smell like a virgin."

FUCK!

It was time. As he bent down and leaned into the table, I pressed my hips into his back, putting one hand on his pool stick, acting as if I were teaching him how to hold it correctly, with my other hand I slipped it down the front of his pants grabbing the base of his other stick and with a firm grasp, I slowly made my way up, taking my time to enjoy the feel of his body tense up with excitement. When I reached the tip, I circled my finger in the wetness of his pre-cum and pulled my finger slowly up his body, pulling my hand out of his pants. I brought my finger that was dripping in his cum to my lips and rubbed it on like lip gloss. Lil' Mama would be so proud.

He let out a soft moan and I pushed up closer to him reaching my lips to his ear and whispered, "My lips are pretty chapped… I'm going to need a lot more _lip gloss_." His knees bent and he lost his footing, stumbling over and almost falling to the ground before regaining his balance by holding on to the pool table. I love bringing men to their knees.

I knew that he was going to feel the need to one up me again, and I didn't know if I could handle much more before I lost all sense of self-control. So, I decided that it was time for some more liquid courage. I walked over to the bartender, ordered four shots, and brought them back to the table near the juke box. I waved the group over and explained to them that we needed one last shot since we were almost done with the game and I was about to win the bet. They all agreed and raised their glasses.

"Bella, I think it's your turn to do the honors." Emmett tipped his glass towards me in encouragement.

"Fine, Here's to the hookers and CD's from this evening, may their Christmas stockings be filled with lots of Valtrex."

The laughter exploded as they all chugged their shots. "Bella, that was delicious, what kind of shot was that?" My little pixie asked.

"It was a redheaded slut, in honor of fire crotch." The laughter exploded even loader and I could hear Edward choking a little on his drink.

"And what's a CD?"

How could I resist Alice and all of her charm, I smiled at her then brought my eyes over to Edward who looked like he wouldn't be able to handle much more. He was obviously starting to feel a major case of blue balls and after telling him about the shot I think some of it came out his nose. But like I said, I enjoy bringing men to their knees. I winked at him and decided to answer, "Cum Dumpsters."

We drove home in silence, he was still pretty pissed that I won the bet. I was comfortable with the silence, though, I was still feeling the sexual sparks and the idea of pulling down his pants right now kept crossing my mind. A small, tiny, itsy bitsy part of me knew that it wasn't a good idea to be flirting so much with my soon-to-be roommate, but I couldn't stop myself. We've already made it to second base and I could hear the coach waving me home.

Before I could make my move we pulled up in front of my cousin's house. Fuck me! I've been so busy dreaming that I forgot about ditching my disease infested cousin and her friends at the bar. Shit. I started to think of excuses in my head. I lost my phone, I went into a public bathroom with holes in the wall and got a little preoccupied once I stuck my hand in it, or maybe I can just say that I ran into Rob and Johnny and told them about my fantasy in which they both agreed that it sounded like fun so we left to find a hotel room or at least a clean looking back alley. Fuck I was screwed.

Edward parked his car, quickly got out, and opened up the passenger door. He held out his hand and helped me up. Damn, if he didn't already finger fuck me through my jeans tonight I would have almost bought that he was a gentleman.

"Well, Bella, it was a pleasure to meet you." He kissed my hand before releasing it. Damn Rico Suave mother fucker.

"Thanks Edward, I had a lot of fun."

He reached into his back pocket and grabbed a business card out of his wallet. "Here is my card, give me a call in the morning and we will set up a time for you to check out the condo and sign the lease. Don't worry about the security deposit or the first months rent, it's on the house."

What, seriously? Before I could speak he kissed me on my cheek and told me goodnight. I stood there and watched him get back into his car and drive away. My body ached when I could no longer see his car. I wanted nothing more than to run after him and beg him to stay. But, I wasn't that type of chick. I didn't beg anyone… Ever!

As I walked to the front door of my cousin's apartment, staring down at his business card, an amazing plan formed in my head. It involved doing a little shopping, buying a black one piece bathing suit, and making him pay up on his bet. Ha ha ha. He will learn pretty quickly that I am one sick, perverted, unfiltered, whore who has a very twisted sense of humor!

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Did you enjoy it? I would love some feedback.

The song that Bella played in the bar was Give it Up (Dirty Hot Sex) from Pepper

The commercial I talk about is from Carl's Jr. featuring Paris Hilton (you can find it on

You Tube). Here is a link (replace my words with the correct symbol):

www(dot)youtube(dot)com/watch?v=xPiR9q_MRlc

Don't forget to come and chat with us over at Twilighted

(the link is posted at the beginning of the chapter)

**Feedback Question: **

**What excuse do you think Bella should give to her disease infested cousin for ditching her at the club? (New ideas are welcomed)**


	4. Chapter 4

_Pamela0201 (AKA- Ms. Comma)- I'm in love with you, you're the best, I worship the ground you walk on! ___

**Disclaimer: Please don't sue me!!! Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I'm just a lame newbie writer trying to entertain a few people.**

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As I approached the front door I could hear laughter and the muffled sounds of REO Speedwagon coming from inside. What fucking loser under forty listens to that crap? It reminds me of all the times I would go on driving vacations with my mom and Charlie. They would put this tape in and Charlie would sing every word to her. I would vomit in my mouth watching them make googily eyes at each other. Fuck, new topic. How the hell am I going to explain to my slutty cousin that I ditched her ass at the club because I was embarrassed to be seen with her?

I knocked softly at first, and after about ten minutes I started to pound on the door. Seriously, what the fuck was going on in there? Finally the door swung open and there was Jessica swaying at the doorway holding a beer bottle and smelling like cheap whiskey. Her shirt was unbuttoned and she was holding her pants up with her other hand. I wonder if venereal diseases are hereditary, because she has already fucked up my family tree and I don't want it to look any worse.

"Oh, it's you. Sorry about earlier, I ran into some old friends and got distracted. Hope you had fun alone, I'm sure you're use to it."

Hell yes, there truly is a god. This fucking bitch seriously thinks she ditched me. I would hate to burst her bubble. I love guilt trips, they are almost as good as boxed wine… almost.

"Yeah, well that was pretty fucked up. I waited for a good three hours before catching a taxi and taking it to the local free clinic. I assumed you stopped by there for some free condoms and some cream for your daily itching."

"Fuck you Bella, the itching is because of my dry skin."

"Sure it is sweetie, whatever helps you sleep at night."

I pushed passed her hoping to catch a few z's on the sofa when I noticed some nasty ass low budget 70's wannabe porn star sitting on it. He had short blonde spiky hair in the front, with a very noticeable receding hairline, and long stringy hair in the back… yes, a fucking mullet. I looked back at Jessica and she was staring at him like a piece of grade "A" beef. Seriously, what the hell? I guess even trailer trash needs to get laid, but I don't really understand it.

"Dude, Jess, can you take this shit into another room? I'm tired and I don't want any nightmares."

"Bella, this is my friend Mike. Mike, this is my cousin Bella. Ignore her, she's a bitch."

He stood up to shake my hand and I noticed he was missing his pants. Holy crap! He was hung like a newborn and completely shaved. I'm assuming he did this to help people find his love stick. I'm sure if he didn't, it would get lost in his forest of pubes.

"Umm, it's nice to meet you Bella." He put his hand out like he wanted me to actually shake it.

"Yeah, that's cool, no need to touch me. I would rather catch my diseases licking grocery carts. If you'll excuse me now, I need to find a sleeping bag."

Before I could make my way to the hall closet, in an effort to find something to sleep on, two new guys walked out of the bathroom, naked. Oh my fucking god. I seriously just walked in on an orgy. A fucking redneck barbeque, and the meat they were serving had obviously expired years ago. I didn't know if I should laugh, run, or break out my camera to post it on You Tube. None of my friends would ever believe this shit unless I had video proof.

"Bella, I can explain. I ran into Mike, Eric and Tyler in the parking lot of Leather and Lace. And we ditched my friends to come home and well, catch up."

"Catch up? Is that what you call this? Well, I'm sure all of you will be catching a lot of shit tonight. I'm out of here. This is too fucking weird, even for me." I grabbed my suitcase from the living room and walked to the front door. I was just about to turn the knob when I realized that there was no way I could leave like this. I dug through my purse for a second, pulled out my cell phone and quickly snapped some pictures.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Jessica screeched, running towards me.

"Sorry, but I need pictures to go with the story. Thanks for the laugh. And Mike, seriously honey, please invest in a haircut and a penis pump." And with that I stepped out of the door and ran to my car. I needed to find some bleach to cleanse myself and a Wi-Fi connection to download my pictures to Facebook. Jessica is a bitch, and so is payback. Glad her mom is one of my friends. Ha ha ha. Good luck explaining that shit.

White trash seemed to be my theme for the evening and I didn't feel like switching it up, so I did what anyone else would have done in my situation. I parked my car in the 99 cent store parking lot, turned on some Kid Rock, because it seemed appropriate, and tried to fall asleep in the backseat of my car. Tried being the key word in that sentence. I couldn't imagine my day getting any worse.

The whole time I laid curled up in the fetal position reminiscing back on the evenings events. I couldn't get Edward out of my head, his voice, his smile, his touch. My mind was filled with thoughts of him and I needed it all to stop. Nothing was going to come of it, he was going to be my roommate. Like in Three's Company, the girls flirted with Jack but no one ended up sleeping with him. It breaks rules. Right? But Jack Tripper gave out major gay vibes, so maybe he didn't hook up with the roomies because he was too busy sucking Mr. Roper off. Yum, I just got a great visual of sucking off Edward. I bet he would stare down at me with his amazing smile as I nibbled on the vein that runs on the back side of his penis, moaning my name softly, encouraging me to take him in my mouth. Stop, fuck me, I'm so screwed.

When the sun came up I knew I needed to take a shower, but I had no idea where. I drove around for an hour before I decided on my only option. I pulled up to the showers on the beach and shivered at the thought of the cold water and the cold air outside. I almost considered buying some baby wipes and calling it a day, but I was meeting up with Edward and I needed to at least smell nice.

I wiggled my bathing suit on while sitting in my front seat, and made a mad dash to the shower. When I pushed the button, fucking shit, cold wasn't even the word to describe the water temperature. It froze my fucking nipples right off. No joke. I started to scream and hurried as fast as I could to wash my hair. As I lifted my arm to shave I looked up at the mansions in front of me and it took everything I had not to breakdown. How did I get here? How did I end up in some city I didn't even know, taking a shower on the beach? It's been a long time since I've felt like this. My life is full of regrets, from getting caught making out with my best girlfriend to never apologizing to my mom for being such a horrible daughter. I was hoping for a new beginning, a fresh start.

Wiping away my tears and trying to regain my confidence, I decided to call Edward and set up a time to swing by the condo. I had already arranged a meeting with Alice for noon, but after last night it seemed like Edward wanted to do the honors and show me around. I debated between being alone with the pixie or the sex god and the sex god won out. He could probably meet me earlier than noon and I can't go another night sleeping in my fucking car. As much as I love my baby, it's not very comfortable. I dug out his card from my purse and smiled at his name. _Edward Anthony Cullen_. It had such a sexy ring to it. He was sexy. He dripped sex. And all I had on my mind was licking him dry. I don't think you could ever really lick something dry, but I was more than willing to try.

The phone rang a few times before he picked up, "This is Edward." His voice was so serious I almost broke out in laughter but my nerves held it back.

Fuck. How could one person make me so fucking nervous? "Hey Edward, it's Bella Swan." Crap, would he remember my name?

"Oh… Hello Bella, what time would you like to meet at the condo?" His serious voice remained, which surprised me. I would have assumed that after last night he would be a little bit more relaxed. Hmmm, maybe he's more uptight than I pictured.

"Whenever you're available, I'm pretty free all day." Because I just took a shower at the fucking beach, dressed in my car and I'm hoping that I won't need to use the gas station bathroom soon. It may be good enough for Brittney Spears, but Bella Swan is not cool with gas station crappers.

"I have some errands to run this afternoon, can you come now?"

Damn, did he have to say 'come'? My mind is always in the gutter and he's not helping me out. Or, maybe he's propositioning me. Hmmm…. "I can be there in about 15 minutes."

"Alright, see you then Bella." Damn him. My name sounds so amazing rolling off of his tongue. Like it was created by god just for him to say. I'm stupid and need to get my shit figured out. I can't daydream about this man forever.

Before I could say goodbye he had hung up. I finished getting dressed in my car and headed to Lo Jolla letting the GPS lead my way. It wasn't a far drive, and thankfully it was a Sunday morning so there wasn't any traffic. When I pulled up to the building my mouth fell open. Why the fuck would someone who lived here need a roommate? I kept looking down at the address on my paper to confirm that I was at the right place.

When I made it up to the fourth floor, my heart pounded in what I assumed was nerves or excitement, or maybe a little of both. I don't think I've ever been so excited to see someone before.

I knocked only once before the door opened and standing right in front of me was Edward, my walking wet dream, wearing a brown fitted shirt with khaki cargo shorts and flip flops. He smiled that adorable grin and opened the door wider, allowing me to step in.

"So, you found it alright?" He grabbed my purse out of my hands and put it on the table near the front door. Immediately my eyes tried to take in the amazing condo. It had a very modern industrial feel with exposed beams in the ceiling and air ducts. The furniture was contemporary yet warm and inviting. It looked like it was professionally decorated, which I'm sure cost more than my college tuition.

"Yes, it was very easy to find. Thanks."

"Great Ms. Swan, would you like me to show you around?" Seriously, I'm so fucking confused by the formal conversation. The night before I witnessed some skank jacking him off in the middle of a club, which then lead to us at some hole in the wall crap bar, where he rubbed my crotch and I used his cum as chapstick. Did I make all that shit up in my head? Seriously, maybe someone slipped something in my drink and it made me imagine this shit.

"Yeah Edward, that works." He walked in front of me and showed me around the living room, kitchen, and dining room. Then he pointed out that on one side of the condo there were two bedrooms, and on the other end was the master room.

"I lost a bet with Emmett when we moved in, so he gets the larger room. You'll be on the other side of the condo with me." I was trying to pay attention to Edward but once I heard the words "Emmett" and "larger" I immediately pictured Edward and his brother sitting on a sofa, naked, comparing the sizes of their penises. And after feeling little Eddie, my new nickname for his penis, last night I'm sure I will be in for a good time when I eventually see it in the flesh. Oh my god, if Emmett is larger than Edward then I feel very sorry for any of his lovers. Holy crap, they better invest in a lot of fucking lube.

He walked down the hall and casually pointed to his bedroom door, then to the bathroom that we would be sharing. Damn it. In my head, the idea of sharing a bathroom with him consisted more of sharing the shower at the same time, not me having to bang on the door for him to hurry the fuck up because I was running late. Or taking a cold shower because he spent too much time cleaning off fluids left on his washboard abs by some skank. Oh shit, we would be next door to each other! I would not only see the skanks coming and going, but I would hear them. Where is the balcony, I should just jump now.

When he opened up the door to my room I almost jumped in excitement, completely forgetting about Edward hooking up in the room next door. It was fully decorated with a huge king size bed, a dresser, and a desk. "I hope you don't mind the furniture. My mother decorated it assuming that a girl would be renting the room. If you don't like it, please don't feel obligated to keep it." The furniture was extremely expensive, a lot more than what I was going to be paying in rent. None of this made any sense to me. Oh shit. Oh shit. Maybe they are circus freaks. Damn, my mom always told me that if it seemed too good to be true, then it probably was. Fuck me. What the hell was I getting myself into?

"What's the catch?" I raised my eyebrow at him waiting for some little person to jump out and handcuff me to the headboard.

"I'm sorry Bella, I don't understand the question."

"Cut the shit Edward, you can't grab my crotch one day and then act like some fucking saint the next."

He stood there with a stunned expression on his face, as if he assumed I would just forget about last night. He squeezed the bridge of his nose while looking down at his feet, I could tell that he wanted to say something.

"Spit it out." I couldn't control my anger at this point, his mood swings were giving me whiplash and I was tired and so fucking confused.

"Well… I was going to talk to you about it. But, well, I wanted to apologize for my actions last night." Is he fucking serious? He's apologizing?

"Why?" I asked.

"I shouldn't have disrespected you the way I did, and I shouldn't have lead you on."

"Lead me on?" Oh hell no. He was trying to fucking dump me without even going out with me. No way. If he was going to give me this speech then I should have at least been fed dinner or taken to the movies. I can't believe this shit.

"Yes Bella, I can't get close to you like that. You seem like a great person and all, but we're roommates. So whatever happened last night needs to be left at just that, last night." I started to feel tears collect in the corners of my eyes. Fucking traitor tears. I can't believe I was about to cry. I hardly even know this guy, why should I care if he wasn't interested in me. I could do way better than him. I was Bella-mother fucking-Swan.

"It's just.. you're not really my type." .'T. He couldn't just leave it at that, he had to spit on me while I was down. No one does that shit to me. No one.

"You're right, I don't have any non-curable diseases, I didn't get my hair color out of a fucking box or a bleach bottle, and I don't kiss your fucking ass."

"That's not what I meant. I didn't mean to offend you. I just wanted you to know how I feel." Didn't mean to offend me? Did he seriously think that telling me that I wasn't "his type" would come out as some form of flattery?

"Whatever Edward. I don't give a fuck about you or your feelings. I was drunk last night, and lonely. I've been sitting in my cousin's apartment for weeks, bored out of my fucking mind, and just wanted some excitement. You provided that. Thanks for the help, now move on. Like I said, I don't care." Lies. All of it. But, he didn't need to know that. He obviously didn't care and I needed a place to live.

"Great Bella, I'm glad we can agree to move past this situation and just be roommates." He didn't even make eye contact with me. Instead he walked down the hallway and stopped at the dining room table and picked up a large manila folder.

"Here is the lease, your keys, and any other information that you'll need. Alice was hoping that you could still meet her for lunch today to go over everything. Her number is inside the folder." He had yet to look at me. Was I seriously that ugly that he couldn't even look at me sober? Did he regret his actions that much?

I couldn't really say anything to him. I typically rely on my humor to get me through this type of crap but now, I couldn't spit anything out. I just kept looking at him, hoping that he would laugh and throw me on the dining room table to finish what we started last night.

"Well, you have the key, so just make sure to lock up when you leave. I have some things to do today, so I'll see you around." And with that he left, taking my pride with him.

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If you'd like to chat with me, take a peek at my profile where you'll find links to the Twilighted thread for Sandwich Dreams and my Twitter account.

**Feedback is my own personal heroin… please help a sister out and feed her addiction!**


	5. Chapter 5

_Pamela0201 (AKA- Ms. Comma)- I'm in love with you, you're the best, I worship the ground you walk on! ___

**Disclaimer: Please don't sue me!!! Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I'm just a lame newbie writer trying to entertain a few people.**

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I looked around the condo in utter shock at our conversation. I couldn't believe that he would tell me that I wasn't his type in one sentence and then follow it up with leaving me alone in his home. What a fucking dumb ass. Like I said, no one fucks with me or my heart. I walked down the hallway and made my way to Edward's room, which I assumed would be locked, not that it mattered, because I would have picked that shit. However, it surprisingly opened when I turned the handle. The first thing I noticed was a huge bookshelf filled with enough novels to keep me occupied for months. As I looked through the shelves I saw some of my favorite classics, which made my heart flutter. The idea that he's hot and reads was almost too much for me. But, then I remembered what he had said to me and my bad feelings towards him came right back. He's a douchebag and I'm pissed.

The other walls were consumed with a huge picture window that had a view of the ocean, a flat screen television, and a four poster king sized bed with a plush down comforter that screamed for me to lay on top of it and explore myself. But again, I remembered that I was getting sidetracked from the whole point of my visit. So, I saved the idea of touching myself on his bed for another day.

Snooping is an art form that I've perfected over many years. I've mastered the skill of breaking into almost any room and have yet to leave behind any evidence of my investigative work. The first thing on my agenda was to dig through his closet, where I quickly found out that he was more of a boxer brief guy then a tighty whitey. Which I already knew since my hand slipped down them the night before, but I honestly just wanted to touch the items that snugged up against his penis on a daily basis. I was so jealous at that moment of a fucking piece of cotton. When I'm reincarnated, I want to come back as a pair of white Armani boxer briefs. And if I'm lucky I can be worn by not only a super hot dude but maybe his tight assed girlfriend can wear me as pajamas.

I went through his size 13 shoe selection, which made me tingle all over. As the saying goes, "Big feet, big dick." Yum. Looking through the boxes of shoes I came across a box that just didn't seem to fit in. It was white with the very famous "Manolo Blahnik" printed across the top. I knew that Manolo's don't have a men's line so since I'm Inspector Gadget and shit, I decided that it needed to be opened. But I regretted my decision instantly.

There were about 20 pictures of Edward and some redheaded chick. What the fuck is his deal with dating a bunch of gingers? Maybe he likes a chick with a fire crotch? Some sick fucking fetish or something.

I looked through the pictures and noticed some were of the two of them out on the town, some were of her by herself in random shots like sitting in the passenger side of his car, and then there were four shots of the two of them in very compromising positions. No body parts were shown in the pictures, bastards, but you could tell that they were naked and enjoying themselves. Under the pictures were three pairs of woman's panties. Two of them were black lace and the other was a leopard print crotchless pair. The panties didn't look cheap and I made a mental note that I should probably upgrade my generic white cotton thongs from Target to something a little bit sexier, or at least a little bit less cotton.

As I dug more into the box I found a few random love notes written in bubbly lovey dovey chick writing that said things like, "You will always have my heart" and "My heart beats because of you." Seriously, who the fuck writes that shit? My heart beats because I'm alive, not because of the guy I'm dating. If your life is only because of a guy then you need to consider talking with a shrink. Because that shit isn't healthy.

Well, just as my stomach was about to tell me that it couldn't take anymore my fingers felt a small box. Yup, the size of box that typically makes women wet. When I pulled it out from under all the crap I noticed the blue color right away. Fucking clichés, I never really thought people bought shit from Tiffany's. I mean, if I had money I would buy my jewelry from Harry Winston or Bulgari. Any place that didn't sell their jewelry in a fucking blue box. As I opened it I didn't expect the feeling that overcame me. I was jealous. I starred at the huge squared shaped diamond and closed my eyes. I pictured a man kneeling down in front of me, asking me to spend the rest of my life with him. I've never wanted to get married, the idea made me nauseous. Yet, the man in my dream made me almost excited and giddy over the fucking idea. The man was Edward, shit for brains motherfucking Edward.

I shoved all the crap back into the shoe box and left the closet. I felt the need to get some type of revenge so I turned on his television and deleted all of his shows from his TiVo and then deleted all of the shows he had scheduled to record. Yup, no man likes his television fucked with just like no girl, not even the mean ones who pretend they don't care, like having their hearts fucked with.

I've never been the whole suffer in silence type, my motto in life is "misery loves company". If I felt like crap then I wanted everyone else to feel like crap with me. Whenever I'm sick and should stay away from my friends and not spread my germs, I don't. Instead I enjoy getting them sick too so we can all snuggle in bed together. The thought of me being sick in bed while everyone else is out partying and having a good time sucks. Not to mention, I'm just a bit of a bitch.

I knew that I had done enough damage at the condo for the day so I locked up, got in my car and drove to the nearest Starbucks which wasn't too hard to find, since I've seen at least three on every block in this damn city. As I pulled up I remembered how much I fucking hated them, but they did have WiFi. So I pushed aside my issues with their regular clientele of conforming losers who only wish they were hardcore rebels and walked in through the door.

I got in line to order a drink, standing in front of me were two anorexic Barbie dolls wearing itsy bitsy shorts, string bikini tops, glasses that covered 99% of their heads, and purses that they could literally live in. They both obviously brought their only source of reading, US Weekly, and could not stop talking about Hollywood gossip. I tried to ignore their conversation, but even I get sucked up into Megan Fox's relationship status. Especially when I was sure Megan would give me a chance when she finally realized that my lips would give her way more pleasure than that white rapper dude from 90210.

As they approached the young guy at the register I couldn't control myself from laughing at their order. "I would like a tall sugar free vanilla non-fat extra-ice blended latte, just like MK. You know, if I'm going to get her kick ass figure I need to seriously start copying her eating habits." One of the girls said to her friend. Who the fuck is MK and what they hell did she just order? Was that even in English?

"Yeah, Mary-Kate does have a great body," the other friend responded. Mary Kate Olsen? Are you fucking kidding me? She has no body! That bitch is one ice cube away from heart failure. What the hell is wrong with our society?

The other girl stepped up to the counter and ordered her drink, "I'll go with a grande half caf soy latte, like Katie." Again, was that in English? Starbucks needs to have a dictionary at the counter so people can understand their fucking lingo.

"Kelly, her name is Kate not Katie. Tom changed it like four years ago. I think it's a Scientology thing. By the way, we so need to convert. I bet we would have like a ton of celebrity friends once we joined." At this point my head was about to explode and I started to count backwards from one hundred in an effort not to grab both of their bleach blonde heads and smash them together. I had no patience for these ho-bags and their ideas on why all girls should weigh less then a ten year old boy.

As they paid and walked away I found myself thinking about Edward and wondering if these cum dumpsters were more his type. Maybe if I dressed more like them, only used one syllable words in a conversation, and found all my news of TMZ then I wouldn't be here right now. Instead I would be straddling him on the dining room chair, with him begging me to talk dirty. But, I'm not like those girls. And no matter how fucking gorgeous he was, if he didn't like me for me then he can go fuck himself. And, if he does go fuck himself then I need to be invited to at least watch because hot damn. A man sucking his own penis is almost worth the ego blow I received only a few short hours ago.

"Excuse me miss, are you ready to order?" I looked up at the young man who was standing behind the cash register wearing his neatly pressed uniform with a hello kitty watch on his wrist. Obviously, we were batting on the same team.

"Oh yeah, what has the most calories?" I asked while scanning the large menu printed on the wall behind him.

"The most calories? Umm… I don't think I've ever been asked that. I would probably go with the Strawberries and Crème Frappuccino Blended Crème."

"Yum, I love strawberries. That sounds perfect, I would like a large one of those."

"So you would like a venti?"

"Umm, no. I wanted high calorie not high quantity. Do you think my ass can handle 20 of these fucking drinks?" Yup, another thing I hate about this joint. Who the hell named their sizes? You have a tall for small, obviously trying to make someone feel like they were getting a lot while actually only getting a mini sample. Then you have a grande which is Spanish for large, even though it's considered a medium. And then they switch it up to Italian and use the word for 20 as their official large. Their marketing team is full of a bunch of crack heads that need to lay off the pipe.

"No, I meant venti is the name of our largest drink." He reached down and grabbed a clear cup and held it to me, "Is this large enough for you?"

"Honey, there isn't such a thing as large enough. But that will do for now. Thanks."

He let out a large laugh and I could hear someone standing behind me clear their throat.

"Oh, and don't forget the white stuff on top. I love sucking it off my, not large enough, drink." The cashier's mouth fell open in shock as he handed me my change.

When I turned around I couldn't make eye contact with the three businessmen that were standing behind me. Instead I looked straight down and I noticed some slight bulging going on in their pants. I laughed to myself, not being able to contain the enjoyment I received from their obvious discomfort. Yup. I love that shit. The power I feel when I see the reaction I cause in men is seriously addicting. And the feeling I get when they don't react is down right depressing. Fucking Edward, he seriously needed to stop acting like a jizz muffin. I don't know how I'm going to handle the rejection, especially since I'm now living with him. Fuck me. Hell. I seriously live in hell.

I waited for the guy to call out my drink order then I found a comfy sofa in the back corner were I could have some privacy. I opened up my laptop and immediately logged into my Facebook account. I ignored the 30 plus messages from worried friends wanting to know if I was alright, and posted my pictures from last night's orgy. I downloaded them into a file labeled, "Fun times in San Diego." I'm sure my lovely Aunt will enjoy those bad boys. However, after posting them I still didn't feel fully satisfied. So I started to search for random family members to add to my account. I found a few uncles and some cousin's. It only seemed fair that they understood the drama at the next family picnic. I would hate to have to explain the story over and over again.

Before I logged out I searched for my new roomies accounts. I first found Edward and looked through his 641 friends. Most of them were a bunch of cheap looking whores, no surprise there. I then came across Emmett and Alice. Emmett had over a 1,500 friends and Alice was in the back of the pack with only 82. Poor Alice, I bet she would make a great friend, or at least one damn good tasty tuna taco. I have issues. My mind is always in the gutter. All I could think of was making Alice's pussy whistle. Oh my god. Well, since the little pixie isn't my roommate then maybe I have a chance at getting her to moan my name. A girl can dream, right?

_If you're horny, let's do it_

_Ride it, my pony_

_My saddle's waitin'_

_Come and jump on it_

As I grabbed my phone from my purse and flipped it open, I made a mental note to switch my annoying ringtone.

"Hello?"

"Hey Bella, its Alice." Holy fucking shit, does she read minds? Maybe her ears were burning. Crap. I need to clear my thoughts. "I was just wondering if you still want to meet for lunch."

Shit I had forgot all about it. "Umm… that works. Where do you want to meet?"

"Let's meet in 15 minutes at the Roppongi sushi bar. I'll text you directions. Does that work?"

What had I done so wrong in life to deserve this? I bet god was looking down at me during that moment and laughing. Alice had to fucking call at that moment and invite me to sushi. SUSHI! So while sitting across the table from her, I'd be eating raw fish from the ocean while thinking about the kind that comes from the Cullen Clan. That is so fucked up.

"I'm so sorry Bella, do you not like sushi?"

"Oh, Umm… I'm sorry, I got a little distracted. Yeah, no, that's fine. I've never tried it but I'm sure I'll love it." More than you'll ever know.

"Perfect, see you soon." Her voice had such excitement to it as she hung up, it was as if she knew what she was doing to me. Maybe she felt power in my misery much like how I enjoyed the discomfort earlier of those businessmen. Karma is one mean motherfucking bitch.

When I entered the restaurant I noticed Alice waving at me from a corner booth in the back of the room. As I walked over to the table to sit down, I looked around at the very modern Asian décor of the restaurant which had a sexy vibe to it.

Alice jumped up and greeted me with a huge hug that literally took my breath away. I tried to hug her back but my arms were pinned down at my sides under her tiny, yet surprisingly forceful arms. After she broke off the embrace we sat across from each other at the booth.

"I'm running kind of late so I went ahead and ordered. I hope you don't mind. I got the sample ship so I'm sure that there will be plenty of things for you to enjoy."

"Umm… that sounds great. I've never actually had sushi before so I would have no idea what to order." I tried not to giggle when I said the word 'sushi'. I couldn't stop thinking about the tuna roll hiding underneath her adorable sun dress.

"Bella, how have you survived for so long without sushi? I mean seriously, you haven't lived until you've sucked down some raw tuna."

I couldn't hold it in any longer, I spit my water at her and my whole body turned the shade of a fucking tomato. No joke. I was bright red. Which then made her break out in laughter. I'm sure that the people at the tables around us thought we were fucking crazy but I didn't care. I am crazy, and I felt no shame admitting to the truth.

Our laughter was silenced when a huge ass boat was brought to our table. Seriously, it was like a pirate ship filled with different pieces of sushi. I had no idea what anything was, and I had no idea how to use the piece of shit wooden sticks they laid in front of me. Let's keep it real, if I wanted to use sticks to eat then I would have gone to eat in the park with the homeless. Who invented this crap?

"Have you never used chopsticks before?" She smiled at me already knowing the answer to her question.

I looked back down at my plate, almost embarrassed to admit the truth. I felt like a non-cultured piece of shit. I wondered if using a butter knife to eat my food when I ran out of forks and spoons but didn't want to wash the dishes counted.

"Silly Bella let me show you." She walked over to my side of the booth and sat down beside me. Pushing me over some, she picked up the wooden chopsticks and grabbed my right hand, "Now you need to put these between your thumb and forefinger." Her hands forcefully grabbed my fingers and started to spread them around the chopsticks. "The chopsticks should rest against the tip of your thumb." I could tell that she was really concentrating on teaching me how to use the fucking sticks because she didn't notice that I was staring. Our shoulders, our thighs, our fingers were all touching. I wanted her fingers. I wanted her.

"I think I've got it," I said while I tried to add some distance between the two of us.

It didn't work. She shoved closer to me while yelling at me to keep the chopsticks parallel to each other. But when I heard the word parallel I started to think of us lying in bed with her on top of me nibbling on my neck.

"Bella, you're not paying attention." I heard the anger in her voice. I wanted to pay attention but she was so fucking distracting.

I tried to hold the chopsticks in my hands like she showed me, but it was no use. I clearly hadn't paid attention. She laughed and picked up a piece of sushi with her chopsticks and brought it up to my lips. I smiled at the fact that she was about to feed me. I opened my mouth and slowly stuck my tongue out. She let out a giggle and gently placed the piece in my mouth. I looked into her eyes as I chewed it a few times then swallowed.

"That was the best raw fish I've ever had." I lied, but hopefully she bought it.

She winked at me, "Obviously, you need to eat more fish then." Holy fucking shit. Alice was flirting with me. My day was turning around. Fuck Edward and his head games, if he didn't want to take a ride on this crazy train then it was his loss.

I picked up a piece with my fingers and brought it over to Alice's mouth, she opened up and sucked it in also taking in my middle finger. She sucked the tip of it for a few seconds before she released it. I couldn't hold back a small moan as I felt her teeth drag along the tip of my finger. I was still imagining her mouth around my finger when all of a sudden I felt something on my leg. I looked down and saw Alice's hand on my thigh. Holy fucking shit.

Part of me wanted to fall under the table and onto my knees to finish up lunch, but when I looked back at her hand on my thigh I noticed the huge engagement ring on her finger. My thoughts went back to Edward's closet, to the ring I found in his closet. His face with those beautiful green eyes filled my brain and I felt guilty for allowing this to go too far with Alice. Even if Edward wanted nothing from me, it didn't stop my heart from caring.

"Excuse me, I'll be right back." I got up from the booth and walked into the ladies room. I needed a few minutes to collect my thoughts. I was so confused. I was holding out hope for someone who straight out told me that he wasn't interested. But, that's exactly my problem. I'm fucked up. I knew I had issues that I dragged in a huge motherfucking suitcase behind me, and because of that I went for people I knew I couldn't get. I use to think that it was the chase I was addicted to. But now, I think it's the whole idea that I could never have them. If I couldn't have them then nothing would ever start, which meant that nothing would ever end. Therefore, I would never get hurt. As fucked up as that sounds, in my head it made complete sense.

I splashed some water on my face, took a few deep breaths and walked back to the table. I noticed that Alice had moved back to her original spot across from me at the booth and she was typing on her phone.

"Is everything alright?" She asked.

"Yeah, everything is great. Sorry about that, I have a small bladder."

After I sat down an uncomfortable silence took over the table. I kept trying to think of something to say but nothing would come out. I tried using those fucking chopsticks to eat my food but I didn't pay attention to the lesson she had just given me. So I sat there scared shitless. Scared, that our silence was actually screaming some type of truth. A truth about us and a connection that couldn't go any further then it already had.

"Well Bella, I wanted to talk to you about your living arrangements with my brothers. I probably should have explained more about it from the beginning, but it slipped my mind. Anyway, you should really understand the purpose of you living with them."

I couldn't look up at her, I knew what was coming and I wasn't ready to listen. I needed a place to stay so bad but the idea of joining their fucked up circus was just too much for me. I looked to my left and saw a beautiful woman sitting at the sushi bar talking and laughing with what appeared to be her very hot boyfriend. She was so put together with an amazing figure. All I could think about was how easy she must have it, her life was probably perfect and everything was probably handed to her on some silver Tiffany's platter. And here I was, trying to just find a place to stay so I can go to college and pretend that I was worth something. All I wanted to do was make my mother proud. And yet, as always, I was fucking everything up. Joining the circus with some douchebag who has an obsession with redheaded whores, and his pixie sister who won't stop eye fucking me. I'm sure my mom was looking down at me right now filled with shame. My life sucked.

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If you'd like to chat with me (or get some teasers about the next chapter), take a peek at my profile where you'll find links to the Twilighted thread for Sandwich Dreams and my Twitter account.

**Feedback gets me motivated to write… so if you leave me some, maybe I'll post Chapter 6 sooner! ******


	6. Chapter 6

_The Comma Queen (Pamela0201)- You're fucking amazing and I love you. I would recommend your beta skills to everyone, but I'm a selfish bitch who wants to keep you for myself. So for those needing a beta, check out Project Beta they're great. Hands off my Pam!_

_Melissa (mcc101180)- Thank you for being an extra set of eyes (I make lots of mistakes) and dealing with my emo ass. You rock. _

I want to thank everyone for all of the great feedback and support. I can't believe we're almost at 100 comments. YEAH! Every time I get a review or see someone put the story on alert, I seriously get all giddy like a virgin on her wedding day. Wait, does that even happen anymore? More like a virgin on her 13th birthday (trying to keep up with the times). Anyway, my point… THANKS!

**Disclaimer: Please don't sue me!!! Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I'm just a lame newbie writer trying to entertain a few people.**

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Chapter 6

I knew that Alice was talking to me, I could see her lips moving, but nothing was coming out of them. My ears literally shut down. I kept trying to focus in on her, leaning over the table trying to get closer. I even tried squinting my eyes, as if that would help me hear. Nothing worked. I was left to just sit there and imagine the worst. But really, what was the worst? I would have to have sex with Edward or Emmett or Alice, or maybe all of them at the same time? Is that really something to cry over? Maybe I should stand up and hug her. I've never sandwiched a whole family before, it could be a new experience. Another notch on my bedpost.

Years ago people would have considered me some type of goodie good virginal nun. The idea of even kissing a boy seemed all sorts of wrong to me. After a date, when a guy would walk me to the door, as they were going in for the kill I would turn my head so they would get stuck kissing my cheek. I was a known tease. I was so scared of becoming my mom. I assumed that if I had sex then I would end up pregnant and alone like she did. I wasn't strong enough to go down the same road. I didn't want to work three jobs just to put macaroni and cheese on the table. I didn't want to use food stamps in order to buy milk. Or beg my neighbors to babysit my child while I went to work, worried the whole time that something would happen to the baby.

My mother thought she had it all planned out. She married her college sweetheart and decided to start a family soon after. He left three months after I was born and was never heard from again; even his family stopped contact with my mother. She signed up for the happily ever after story book tale, but instead got stuck with a baby and a dead beat sperm donor. Once I started school I noticed that I was the only kid without a dad, and since my mother worked so many hours I was practically an orphan. I wasn't allowed to have friends over because my mother was afraid that people would find out that I was left home alone until very late in the evenings. So there I was, a child, left to raise myself.

Charlie came into our lives when I was 13 years old. I thought that with him in our lives my mom wouldn't have to work as much and we would have more time together. I never considered that they would want to spend so much time alone, enjoying their new found love. Disappointment started to become a regular emotion for me. However, I put on a smile and played the part of the well behaved daughter, the loyal friend, and the good student. My role playing lasted right up until my 16th birthday. I don't know what caused me to snap, but I did. I was tired of carrying around all of my pain, and I just wanted to hurt people the way that I hurt.

I will never forget the first time I decided to close my eyes and rip the band-aid off. His name was Trevor, I was 16 and he was my best friend's boyfriend. I cried like a bitch. I never expected it to hurt so badly, but before I could regret my decision or focus on the burning sensation coming from down below, it was over. When he got off, he threw my clothes at me as I laid in the backseat of his Honda Civic curled up in the fetal position. He told me to walk home, that the cold air would help me calm down. The walk home took about 20 minutes, and by the time I got there I came to the realization that things for me would never be the same again. When I laid down in the backseat, closed my eyes, and let Trevor take control my body, all of my emotions went numb. The numbness took away all of the feelings of hate and sadness I carried around over my fucked up family life. It also gave me some type of control. I could control how much pain I wanted to feel at that moment.

Life after Trevor spiraled downhill. I found myself in very compromising positions in many more backseats with random men. Each one leaving me a little bit more detached than the last. I never wanted more than one night, I never wanted to be held or cuddled. I just wanted to feel numb. They all thought that they were using me, little did they know that I was the one really using them.

I didn't care about being safe. I didn't care about anything. My mistakes started to pile on top of each other until they became too much for me to handle. When I turned 18, my life changed forever. I can never take back what happened. I don't know if I would want to change it. It made my numbness a constant state, instead of just one that I felt on occasion. By 19, my life took an even darker turn, leaving me to regret my rebellious stage. I was alone.

I looked back over to Alice and noticed that she had finished talking and was now just staring at me with a look of confusion.

"Bella, did you hear anything I just said?" I could hear the annoyance in her voice which seemed to be a regular thing with her.

I didn't know what to say. _Sorry Alice, I'm a piece of shit loser who was too busy sitting here in a constant state of hate and self-loathing._ "Sorry about that Alice, I must have zoned out." And surprisingly my zoning out was not sex related.

"Bella, are you on drugs? I did a very thorough background check on you and though you dabbled in some a few years back they said you were clean now."

Wait, is this bitch serious? She did a fucking background check on me? How the hell did she… holy crap, maybe she can teach me. I would love to find some juice on my ex fucks. Maybe I can find out where they work and leave them messages. Hmmm, maybe I can find out where Danny lives. That guy was hung like a fucking two liter soda bottle.

"Bella, seriously, what the fuck is your deal?"

"I'm sorry. I tend to let my mind drift. Okay, I'm paying attention now. Please tell me, what or who am I going to have to sleep with first?" I gave her a smirk, hoping that she would take it as a joke. Unless, she really wanted me to be some sex slave, than she could take it as a sign of willingness.

"Alright, you're going to have to piss in a cup for me when you get back to the condo." She stood up from the booth and grabbed her purse from underneath the table. "You're not sleeping with anyone, it's a rule. However, you will need to keep an eye on my brothers and make sure they don't get into trouble. They like to fuck up often, so my family needs someone to keep them in line. Do you think you can do that?"

Wait, she wants me to babysit her brothers? This still didn't sound right. "What's the catch?"

"There is no catch; I would appreciate it if you could help out with grocery shopping and some cooking. And just make sure that they respect the rules of the house."

Aren't her brothers adults? Rules of the house? Who the fuck has to follow rules when they're adults? And how ironic that she wants me to make them follow the rules when I'm typically the first one to break them. "What exactly are the rules of the house?"

"Don't worry Bella, they're nothing that serious. My mom will be by some time this week to go over the small details with you. Until then, please make sure you don't mention this information to Emmett or Edward. They believe you're living with them to help out with chores and stuff."

Oh, it hit me all of a sudden. "I'm a fucking spy. You want me to spy on your brothers. Alice, they're adults."

She walked up to me and leaned down slightly to make our eyes level. She tried to whisper, but I'm sure the tables around us heard everything, "I will not have my brothers fuck this up for our family. If you would like a nice room to rent for a very cheap price, then you'll do as I say. Got it?"

Fuck, this little pixie can be a real bitch. Even if I wanted to say no to her I was pretty sure she would jump on my back and rip me apart. I wanted to ask more questions, but as I sat there being stared down by a fucking midget, I got nervous so I just nodded my head yes. She turned around walking towards the front of the restaurant and waved goodbye to me over her shoulder. I was so pissed off, a part of me wanted to throw my fork at her back and the other part of me wanted to grab that tight little ass of hers.

A few seconds later the waiter walked up and explained to me that Alice had already covered the bill. He also mentioned that she left the tab open if I wanted anything else. I giggled to myself, obviously Alice didn't do a lot of research on me or she would have known better than to leave me with an open tab at a restaurant with a fully stocked bar. Before I finally stumbled my way outside I had downed five shots of saki and two tall Asahi's.

I sat down in my car and put the keys in the ignition. Before I could turn it on, I looked down at my feet. I usually wore Converse back home, but due to the whole "when in Rome" shit I was wearing black flip flops. I could see the two flowers tattooed on the little indention between my ankle and the top of my foot. I had one forget-me-not blue flower on each foot. One to remind me of my loss at the age of 18 and the other for my loss a year later. They were daily reminders of my past. I never wanted to forget either experience.

My whole body trembled and I wanted to break down, but couldn't. This was my fresh start. I was going to be funny, easy going Bella. I didn't want to look pathetic in front of people. I didn't want anyone's sympathy. I didn't deserve it. I had made me own bed and now it was time to lie in it. I opened the door to my car and took Trevor's advice from years ago, I walked it off.

When I finally reached the condo my head was spinning from all the alcohol, though I didn't feel finished with my evening. I was ready for more. If I wasn't going to fuck the whole Cullen Clan and make my self numb, then I was going to do the next best thing, get completely wasted.

As I reached the door, I fumbled through my purse looking for the key when it swung open. Standing in front of me was the fucking Jolly Green Giant, also known as Emmett.

"Holy crap fucker, you just scared the shit out of me." I grabbed my chest hoping that my heart was still in its place.

"Wow Bella, kiss your mother with that mouth?" What a douchebag, I hate it when people assume shit. Because he has a mother, that means I do too. I remembered this same feeling on Father's Day every year. In school they would have us make cards and presents for our dads. But, of course I didn't have one. So, when it was time to fill out the part of the card where we wrote what we loved most about our dads I would make shit up. _I love my dad because he always reads me a book before kissing me goodnight._ If only I had the nerve to write the truth. _I love my dad because before he skipped out on my mom he left her with a wonderful parting gift, me._

"She's dead." He looked at me with horror. I knew that he would feel bad, but I didn't care. Like I've said before, I believe people should suffer with me.

"I'm so sorry Bella… I didn't mean to…" He looked like he was about to cry. This grown fucking man who looked like he was almost seven feet tall was going to shed a tear over hurting the feelings of someone he hardly knew. What a pussy.

"No worries." I pushed passed him and started to head for my bedroom. It had been a long day and I thought it would be nice to rest for a little bit before running down to the store and buying some boxed wine.

"Umm… Bella, I was wondering if you're not busy tonight would you like to maybe go to dinner with me? I mean, not on a date or anything. Just to celebrate you moving in."

I didn't turn around to make eye contact. I was afraid that he had let a tear escape. "I'm not really hungry Emmett, but I am thirsty. How about going for a drink?"

"That would be perfect. Meet me at the front door at seven?"

I looked over my shoulder and winked at him, "It's a date." The corner of my mouth pulled up into a small smile as I walked to my bedroom. That would give me about four hours to take a nap and have a shower before I got my party on.

Of course I didn't make it to the door until around 7:20. I tried to be there on time but there is something seriously wrong with me that makes me constantly late. As I made my way out of my bedroom and to the door I heard Emmett whistling at me.

"Holy shit Bella, maybe I need to bring my baseball bat with us so I can beat off all the guys."

I looked down at my outfit and smiled. Maybe I was trying a little too hard, but it had been a crappy day and I just wanted some attention. When I was younger I would have thrown a rock through a window or left the milk out on the counter. Now, I dress like a skank and let the boys drool over me. It seemed to always make me feel better

Emmett interlocked arms with me and led us down the elevator and into the parking garage to his pimp mobile. Not even biting my lower lip would have held my laughter back. It was ridiculous.

"Emmett, nice car." I tried to hide the sarcasm, but I was pretty sure he wasn't buying it.

"Bella, every girl wants to date a guy in a blacked out slammed Navigator. Anyway, stop talking shit. This is a hard time for me right now and I need to start fucking drinking."

I felt bad for laughing at the car, but the rims were so fucking big I couldn't even see the tires. And seriously, the inside had gold accessories. Fucking gold. It looked like one of those "Pimp my ride" cars with the television screens in every open space and an overkill speaker system. I wanted to slump down in my seat so that no one would notice me. Obviously Emmett was dealing with some small dick issues, which answered many of my past questions. So during the sandwich between him and Edward, he would have to be the one sucking on my boobs while Edward pounded me from behind.

"Bella, do you want to pick something?" He threw me his iPod and I started to scroll through the selections, each one surprising me even more. He had music ranging from Depeche Mode to Dr. Dre. It reminded me of my own. I kept scrolling through the artists until I found Too Short. I laughed internally at how perfect this would be in his wacked out fucking car. I pushed the play button and looked over at Emmett who instantly started to bop his head back and forth. We looked hysterical bumping this shit through one the wealthiest, whitest cities in California. He obviously didn't care though; he turned it up louder and rolled down all the windows. Just in case someone didn't notice us already.

"Good song choice Bells, do you actually like this song? Cuz you're screaming more indie than rap. You know?"

Fucker just called me Bells. I hate that fucking nickname. The last person that called me that got a knee to his nuts. It reminded me too much of that stupid Disney Princess whose life was all fucked up until she met a monster, fell in love, got married and had a whole litter full of perfect kids. Barf. I may be fucked up with issues and shit, but even I know that guys don't solve problems, they bring more to the fucking table.

"Yeah Emmie, I guess I like a whole variety of music. Similar to you I guess." I waved the iPod, reminding him of his music library.

"Oh yeah, half that shit isn't mine. Edward thought I needed to break out of my mold of gangster rap music which was polluting my mind with shit like putting down women and other minorities or some crap like that."

"HA! He should know." Oops, did I just say that out loud? Fuck. What a fucking hypocrite though. Mr. Player asshole who said I wasn't his type after flirting with me all night has some issue with others making women feel like shit? Whatever. Emo douchebag boys who give girls whiplash fucking suck.

We thankfully pulled up to the bar because I was in need of a big fucking drink. When we got out of the car everyone kept walking over to Emmett and shaking his hand telling him things like, "I'm sorry about your knee" and "better luck next season." I felt like a total asshole because I haven't even tried to pretend that I cared enough to get to know him any better.

After stopping to talk to a few random people and sign an autograph we made our way into the place and walked straight over to the bar. He ordered all of our drinks; obviously his new music choices didn't help him learn more about woman because last time I checked, I thought we liked to order for ourselves. He handed me some foofy drink while he had what looked like a Jack and Coke. When he sat them down at the table I switched them. I wanted to get fucked up, not just look cute while slowly sucking some watered down shit through a straw.

The music was pounding and the drinks were being poured left and right. Within about an hour I started to feel pretty fucked up. Emmett was talking to a few people sitting near us and I was drinking his drinks for him. Which pissed him off, since every time he would grab for his drink it would be empty.

"Bells, why do you keep drinking my fucking drinks?" He reached over and grabbed my glass of Jack which only had a sip left.

"Sorry Emmie, I'm thirsty." I wanted to say something funny about trying to destroy my liver or some shit, but my words were starting to slur and I knew that I needed to keep my answers short and to the point.

He shook his head at me in what looked like disapproval. I flipped him off in return, got up, and walked over to the dance floor. I needed some attention from men who liked the kitty and not the peen. It didn't take long, a few minutes of grinding my shit up and down and popping it like I owned that place drew a crowd of hot dudes.

Hands suddenly started to wander to places that should have been touched by invitation only, but I didn't really care. I closed my eyes and pictured it being Edward touching me. I wanted to forget about my day and his revelation and just pretend that our conversation never took place. Some guy with dark brown hair and sparkly blue eyes spun me around and I was caught off guard by how close the two of our faces were. He stared at me with an eager look I knew all too well. I tried to focus on him, but all I could do was picture Edward's face and his fuckhot green eyes.

He leaned down and gently took my bottom lip into his mouth, sucking slowly at first. I could feel his tongue trailing back and forth on my lip right before he softly bit it. I closed my eyes even tighter and moved my head back some in pure excitement. I was ready to jump this guy, who in my head was Edward, right here on the dance floor. His hand slid around to my butt and up my skirt where it decided to nicely cup my ass. Every part of my body wanted his fingers to keep moving passed the panties and through my legs. I wanted his fingers to pleasure me in front of everyone. I didn't care who was watching or what anyone thought. I wanted to enjoy this moment forever. I finally opened my mouth and allowed him to enter. His tongue slid inside and I then felt his piercing rub the roof of my mouth. Fuck! Edward doesn't have his tongue pierced. This wasn't Edward.

I placed my hand on his chest and started to push him away but he shoved me closer and started to kiss his way from my neck up to my ear. He stopped for a moment before I felt some warm heavy breathing in my ear and he whispered, "My place or yours?" I normally would have jumped on that shit but I knew he wasn't Edward and though my body ached to go numb again, I didn't want Emmett to know about my slut tendencies this soon. So I shook my head no and headed back to the table.

As I pushed through the crowd I saw some trampy looking girl trying to stick her tongue in Emmett's ear. What the fuck? He's obviously way too nice to explain to her that he doesn't like chicks. I started to feel the need to protect him from dirty ho bags that have issues and no gaydar.

When I walked up to the bar, I gave Emmett a smirk before looking over to the tramp. She rolled her eyes at me and continued giving his ear oral sex.

I couldn't take it anymore, so I moved closer to his chair and placed my hand on his knee. I was only a few inches away from her face when I whispered, "He's not your type" to the trollop.

She pulled her tongue out of his ear and stepped back, furthering the distance between the two of us, "Oh, and you think he's yours?"

I love it when chicks feel the need to continue a conversation with me. Obviously, they didn't catch on that I was a fucking bitch and had no problem dragging any skank out of a club and beating the shit out of her. "Well, seeing as though I have no gag reflexes and can stick my whole fist down my throat, I'm pretty sure I'm EVERYONE'S type."

She didn't catch on to my badassness and continued again, "You're a fucking slut."

Seriously, slut was the best she could do? I may think someone's a slut in my warped twisted head, but if I'm going to attempt some kind of bitch fight in a bar I'm going to bring some better shit than that. "Sweetheart, until I fuck your boyfriend or your dad or even your mom, you can't refer to me as a slut. Instead you can just wish you were me. Now please get your ugly fucking face out of my way, you're blocking my view of the hot guys on the dance floor."

"Jealous, you think I'm jealous of you?" She started to point her finger in my direction and shake her head back and forth like she was on some reality show, "Are you fucking serious?" she screamed.

Umm, yes I'm serious. Did she not look in a fucking mirror before she left her house tonight? Her outfit is straight up trailer. "Seeing as how my shit is tight and you… well,"

Not letting me finish my sentence, she pushed her finger closer to my face. "My shit is tight. Obviously you need to take a closer look."

Emmett stood up from his chair and pushed his enormous body in between the two of us. If it wasn't for him standing up, I would have almost forgotten he was still sitting there. With the grin on his face you would've almost thought he enjoyed watching two girls fight over him, I could only imagine what it would be like if it were two guys. This dude would probably be jizzing in his pants by now.

"Bella, I think it's time to go." He bent down and said to me while grabbing my arm and started to pull me away from the bar.

As we made our way towards the door to the bar, I screamed at her, "If by tight, you mean that your beef curtains are shoved tightly into your panties leaving your camel toe to only hang three inches below your twat, then I guess you're right."

Emmett chuckled as he threw me over his shoulder like a fucking caveman. I wanted to yell at him to put me down, but I was so hammered that I knew I would probably end up crawling to the car.

"Bella, do you always start fights with girls at clubs or is it just the pleasure of my company that makes you so feisty?"

I didn't want to answer him back, so I ignored the question and focused more on not throwing up. Every time he took another step my stomach would push further into his shoulder.

The ride home was lacking conversation, but was far from quiet. I swear to god, Emmett has to be fucking deaf from listening to his music so loud. I could feel the base rattle my seat, which then would shake my stomach, which then led the vomit I was trying to hold down to move closer to my mouth. Right as I was about to lose it, we pulled up to the condo and parked in the underground parking structure. I didn't have any time to think about it. I opened up my car door, bent my head down, and just started to puke up everything that I had to eat for the past month.

After I finished, Emmett came around to my side of the car while plugging his nose. "Holy shit Bella, I hope you're dead because if you're not, Edward will be killing you tomorrow when he see's the vomit on his car." Fuck me. I didn't think my day could get any worse. I pulled my head up some, wiped any leftover chunks off my face and looked over to the car parked right in front of me. Fresh vomit was pouring down the side of his beautiful Aston Martin.

"Fuck me," I whispered as I slid out of the car. I quickly glanced around looking for a hose or something to clean it up with. But I knew that my stomach probably wouldn't handle much more movement. "Do you think he'll know it was me?"

Emmett said something, but I couldn't hear him over his fucking laughter. I was getting pissed that he was laughing at me instead of trying to help me out. Before I could start screaming about him being an insensitive prick he grabbed me again like Fred motherfucking Flintstone and carried me to the elevator.

"Don't worry about it Bella, I'm sure he won't notice."

I knew he was lying but I felt so shitty that I didn't really care anymore. I laid my head down on his shoulder and closed my eyes. The sooner I fell asleep the sooner this shitty fucking day would end.

When we walked through the door he lowered me back down to my feet in the living room and grabbed me into a huge bear hug. He thanked me for a good night and lowered his head down to my forehead to give me a little kiss. Right when his lips touched my skin I felt goose bumps take over my whole body. It was an incredibly odd moment because I wasn't attracted to him, and I knew he wasn't attracted to me. Yet, something about him got me excited. Maybe it was the thought that I could meet a genuinely nice guy who wasn't out to fuck me or fuck me over.

"Sorry to interrupt."

My head twisted to the hallway when I heard the velvety voice. I looked at him and smiled. "Yeah, thanks a lot." I snickered. No need to explain my awkward position to him. I didn't owe him anything. He was my roommate. He wasn't interested. Emmett fucks guys.

He didn't laugh back at my joke. Instead he gave me a look which if I didn't know better I would say was best described as sad or maybe hurt. Either way, every part of my body hoped I'd never see that look again.

I broke the eye contact between the two of us and tried to focus on the ground as I walked into my room. I closed the door and slipped into the very fucking comfortable bed and tried to rest my head. Instead the room started to spin and my stomach decided it wanted to do flips like a fucking gymnast. I curled up and tried to will my pain away, but nothing was working. I felt like shit and hearing some muffled arguing from Edward and Emmett wasn't helping the situation. Right before I finally started to doze off I heard two doors slam at the same time. Issues, all boys are full of fucking issues.

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Don't' forget to come chat with me on Twitter and Twilighted (check my profile)

**Feedback gets Edward very horny. ******** Just sayin'**


	7. Chapter 7

_I first want to apologize for taking so long on this update. With summer, vacations and working on a one-shot contest I was just too busy. However, I've decided to try to set up a posting schedule. My goal is to post every other Wednesday (not counting tomorrow). So the next chapter will be posted on August 26__th__._

_I also need to give out a lot of love:_

_The Comma Queen (Pamela0201)- You're the sexiest thing since Ashley Greene posed nude for the world. I can't wait until we meet up in Vegas and make it official with actual vows and honeymoon sex! HA!_

_mcc101180- You're an amazing preview reader who is a pro at catching all of my mistakes._

_The Reunion girls- If you haven't started this fic yet, you should! It's listed in my favorites and will seriously make you all hot and bothered. BTW- there are three writers to this great story: Katie, Trin & Meghan. They all crack my shit up weekly on Skype. _

_Stavanger1- She is an amazing writer with more fics than I can list. She is listed under my favorite writers, and you must check out her shit. Also, she has a very cool website called The Little Known Ficster (you can find a link in her profile). The site rec's less popular stories in the Twilight FanFic world, and I was very honored that they choose to write up a little something about this little story! So, go send her some major well deserve love!_

**Now, I mentioned that I've been busy writing for a one-shot contest. My o/s is "900 Ways to Make Money" written for the Tattward/Inkella contest. I'm amazed that it currently had over 160 reviews and it has made it to the final public vote stage!**

**Voting is now ope( closes Friday! **

**http://www (dot) fanfiction (dot) net/~tattwardandinkella**

Disclaimer: Please don't sue me!!! Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I'm just a lame newbie writer trying to entertain a few people.

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_As I stepped inside the shower, my trembling was quickly calmed with the warmth of the scalding hot water spraying over my body. I closed my eyes and tried to be patient, allowing my body to fully relax. Without any warning, I felt a pair of large arms wrap around me from behind sending a shiver of excitement up my spine. I leaned back against his chest, as he pulled me in tighter pressing his large cock up against my back._

_The tip of his tongue ran a trail from my neck to my ear, pulling it between his lips and sucking gently. He moved the wet hair from my shoulder, leaving my neck open for his lips to ravage. The forcefulness of his kisses caused my knees to weaken and I was about to lose my balance when another set of arms grabbed me from the front. _

_I lifted my head up and stared into his emerald green eyes for a moment before closing them in complete satisfaction as his hands pressed on my nipples. The hot water poured down on him as he took one into his mouth, holding the top of it with his tongue before sucking it in even further. I bucked back, when the hands that were around my waist slowly made their way up to my breasts. I could feel one god caressing them while the other one nipped at them with his teeth. I was in heaven. _

"Bella, wake the fuck up," I could hear as my bed started to shake. I tried to see what was going on, but one of the real down pillows, not that cheap synthetic crap, that were piled up on my new bed was covering my face. I took a deep breath, enjoying the smell of Spring Lavender fabric softener on the Egyptian cotton pillow case. It was hard to believe that only the day before I was taking a shower at the fucking beach, and now here I was sleeping in some amazing condo which put all the Real World houses to shame. I squeezed my eyes shut, and tried to just enjoy the moment wishing I could finish the fucking awesome dream I was just having.

"You better wake your ass up now," his voice sounded slightly irritated as the shaking of the bed continued. My stomach started to twist and turn and though I wanted to respond to him, I was afraid that if I opened my mouth, more than just words would come out of it.

I finally lifted the pillow slowly off my head hoping he would stop fucking with my stomach, "Unless you're here with Emmett to finish what you both started, you need to get the fuck out of my room." I dropped the pillow back over my head and tried to snuggle into the warm spot that my body had created in the mattress overnight.

"First of all, you really need to learn to talk like a lady. And second, what the fuck are you talking about?" His voice was way too loud for the headache which had just decided to pay me a visit. And, I was pretty sure it wasn't very "gentleman" like to come into my bedroom and yell at me while I was recovering from a alcohol induced coma. Fucking asshole. I obviously needed to buy him an Emily Post book on roommate etiquette.

The bed started to shake violently and I nearly fell out and exposed my purple lace boy shorts and the fact that I didn't like to sleep with a top on. I've never had a sibling and at that moment I started to realize that being an only child was by far the best thing that ever happened to me. "Go away, I'm giving my pillow head and unless you're going to join in then _fuck off!_"

This guy was seriously crazy, who the fuck did he think he was to come into my bedroom before the butt crack of dawn and tell me to get out of a warm and extremely comfortable bed? I wanted to grab one of my stilettos off of the ground and stab him in the throat. Maybe sounds slightly overkill, but I was never a morning person and definitely not a happy drunk morning person.

"Bella, I think of myself as a pretty easy going guy. However, I don't appreciate it when people disrespect me or my property. The decent thing would have been to at least attempt to clean it off." I could hear his voice getting closer to me as I pulled on the sides of the pillow, allowing it to mold around my face. I wasn't in the mood to be lectured by this prick on decency. How quick he was to forget about our _encounter_, but I guess in the typical male fashion I was the whore and he was just being a man. You know because as long as a guy thinks with his dick then it's accepted by our society. But once a girl even thinks of or mentions her vagina, then we immediately get the fucking scarlet letter tattooed onto our foreheads

I was over the conversation before it even began, and was willing to do anything to get him the hell out. "Whatever Edward, I'll make it up to you. Now please, just leave." I hoped he would feel bad that he just got me to beg like a fucking puppy dog.

"I can't hear you Bella! Can you please remove the pillow?" My head was banging more than my headboard after a night of dropping too much E. So, I didn't even think twice about it when I quickly sat up and started to point my finger in his direction, reminding Edward that this was my room and that he had no right to come in here in the morning and wake me up. I explained to him that if someone, not wanting to actually admit fault, had disrespected his property then he should do what most Americans do; pay someone else to fix it.

I was ready for a battle to start between the two of us, and I was prepared to go. I caught a glance of the stilettos on the ground and realized it would only take me about 5 seconds to grab them and skull fuck him with them. I also spotted my keychain with the mace on it, and knew that if he blocked my shoes that I could at least paralyze him with the pepper spray and make my way to the kitchen where weapons would be easier to come by.

I sat on the bed waiting for a few minutes. I didn't know what I was expecting, either a response or at least a fucking movement, but he did nothing. His eyes were all crazy and bugged out and I could tell that he was incredibly uncomfortable. My insecurities started to shine through and I immediately assumed it was my bad breath or maybe the stamp from the club had transferred on to my forehead. I looked down at my hand to see if the stamp was smudged or missing and that's when it hit me. Yup… I was fucking topless and only a few feet away from Dr. Do-me Douchebag

I wanted to grab the blanket and cover myself out of pure humiliation, but instead some sick fucking part of me wanted to just sit there and wait for him to react. I'm sure a psychologist would have a field day with my crazy mind, but I didn't care. I enjoyed my sick sense of humor. So, instead of covering up my incredibly perky tits I looked back up at him, lifting one eyebrow in an attempt to push him off the bridge he was already teetering on. It worked.

He quickly turned around and started to walk towards the door, stopping for a moment before closing it. "You can make it up to me by making dinner tonight. I'll be home at six."

It was hard not to crack a smile once he had left the room. I may not be his type but he sure didn't mind the view, and realizing that screwed with my head. Every part of me, especially my girly bits, were begging him to get closer. I wanted more than just sex with him. But unfortunately being the crazy fuck that I was, I didn't want some type of marriage and kid thing. I wanted to make homemade porn with him, tie him up with that red tie he was wearing, and whip the shit out of him before fucking his brains out.

The thought of breaking out my sex toys and showing Edward all the fun I could offer him, helped me fall back asleep. A new vivid dream came into my head, I was dressed in head to toe leather and Edward was chained up to a wall. I was taking my time looking though my bag of tricks debating on what toy to start with, sort of like a warm-up, when all of a sudden someone else decided to cockblock my dreams. I jumped up, startled by the ringing of my cell phone, and although I should have thrown it out the window I was so sleep deprived I actually answered it using my typical greeting when hung over and in the middle of a fuckhot dream.

"What?!" I screamed into the phone, not taking the time to look at the caller ID beforehand.

"Excuse me, is this Bella?" The voice of an older woman, who was most likely old enough to be my mom, rang in my ear. I probably should have cared or at least shown some type of respect for my elders but I didn't give a fuck at the moment.

"Last time I checked." Telemarketing calls to a cell phone should be seriously outlawed. It's bad enough to get some salesperson trying to sell me shit early in the morning, but even worse when they waste the precious minutes that I enjoy rolling over month to month.

There was a pause on the phone, and I hoped that she had hung up, not wanting to waste her time with a bitch like me who wasn't going to extend my car warranty or ask for her help with keeping my house from falling into foreclosure; especially since I didn't even own a fucking home. "Yes, well… this is Mrs. Cullen. I'm Edward and Emmett's mother. Alice was supposed to tell you that I would be calling in regards to our arrangement. Did I happen to catch you at a bad time?"

Well fuck me sideways and call me donkey. I had just made a complete ass out of myself. Cursing internally about how fucking stupid I just sounded to my roommates' mom. I was speechless and didn't know what to say to her. And, instead of offering me a little help with the situation she clearly noticed I had made for myself, she stayed quiet, waiting for me to break the painful silence.

"Umm… well…" I tried to come up with something to say but nothing was working, so I responded in the most dreadful Mexican accent, which probably would get me banned from ever celebrating a Cinco de Mayo if anyone else heard. "Me no speak English."

I was just about to hang up the phone and look for the nearest balcony to throw myself off, hoping that there wouldn't be an awning to block the fall. "Bella, cut the crap. We need to go over a few things and I was hoping to meet you sometime this week. Wednesday is best at eleven, before my weekly lunch with the ladies from the country club."

It was bad enough that she called me out on my shit but then she told me what we were doing as if I too was her child, squeezing me in between her daily facial and her girl time which was probably spent gossiping about their ugly, bald, fat husbands. I never listened to my mom and I sure as fuck wasn't going to listen to this rich bitch. She desperately needed to be shown that the world didn't revolve around her schedule.

"Yeah, that's not going to work for me," grabbing my calendar out of my purse, "September fifth works at noon, because I too need to eat."

There was a pause and I could hear her typing in what was probably her Palm Pilot or some other high tech scheduling device, "That's fine. We can meet at the Del Mar Turf Club at noon." I was about to hang up the phone, not even caring to ask what the fuck the Turf Club was when she decided to show her snobby 'I'm better-than-you' attitude, "And, there is a very strict dress code. Think _classy_. If you have problems with figuring out what that means then by all means call Alice. She would be more than happy to help someone like you out." The call immediately disconnected, leaving me stunned that she had seriously suggested I would show up to lunch wearing daisy dukes, a wife beater, and a fucking Bumpits in my hair.

I laid in my bed, tossing and turning, hoping that god would feel bad for my already shitty day and reward me with a few more hours of sleep, but he didn't. Instead he graced me with another horrible fucking migraine, because I'm a whore and god hates whores. Well, I know they don't really teach you that in church but if you looked back at my life you would think he hated me for some reason. I'm going with the fact that I have panties that tend to drop on the ground on their own and my legs are allergic to each other, forcing me to constantly leave them open. I tried to see a Dermatologist about it once, but he was incredibly turned on by the panty dropping and open leg situation, so we didn't get far enough to really discuss the problem.

My headache wasn't going away with me pouting over the fact that I couldn't go back to bed, so I grabbed some sweatpants and my Betty Ford Clinic shirt out of my suitcase and made my way across the hallway and into the bathroom. I opened the medicine cabinet hoping to find some form of aspirin or maybe a Lithium prescription for some shits and giggles, but there was nothing in it but condoms. Yup, the motherfucker had a whole medicine cabinet full of them. However, what cracked my shit up was that all of them were Snug Fit. This was condom marketing code word for "small dick." I tried to think back to when we were at the bar, and whether it was large or not, but I was so drunk that night I couldn't remember the details. Either way, his short man syndrome started to actually make my head feel better.

I closed up the cabinet, making sure that all of the boxes were lined up exactly like they were before I found them. I resisted the temptation of blowing them up and decorating the apartment or making a mixed CD for him with songs like "Short Dick Man" and "Little Dick." I assumed his ego was damaged enough from all the women who either made fun of him when they saw it or asked him where it was as if it were hiding. My imagination was more entertaining than reality, as I sat down on the toilet and pictured the look on some poor girl's face as they were rounding second base and headed towards third. Disappointment is a motherfucking bitch.

After I was finished up in the bathroom, I made my way to the living room where I found Emmett cuddled under a Snuggie blanket while watching morning cartoons. He looked like an overgrown child as he giggled at all of the immature jokes, and though most people would make fun of the buffoon, I shoved him over and stole his blanket. Always wanting to buy one, but never wanting to pay for the shipping and handling fees.

We spent hours watching everything from Diego to Yo Gabba Gabba! to his personal favorite, Sid the Science Kid. Every time Sid would break out in a song, Emmett seemed to know all of the words and even the dance moves. I wished that I had a video camera because Tom Bergeron would have loved that shit. Easy fucking way to make ten grand, with a possible chance of a hundred grand without having to do anything but press the record button.

When I finally noticed that it was four in the afternoon I knew that I had to get up soon if I was going to be making a nice dinner for Dr. Dbag, in an attempt at showing how sorry I was for throwing up on his piece of crap foreign car. Although, to be quite honest, I only wished he would have had his window rolled down, because if I was going to get in trouble for doing something while completely wasted, then I would have preferred to have done something really fucking funny. And hot warm puke on Italian leather would have been perfect.

"Hey Em, I'm going to make dinner tonight. Will you be around?"

It took him a few minutes to tear his eyes away from the cartoon to answer. "Make? As in make reservations?" He had a look of confusion on his face, as if it were hard to believe that I could cook.

"What the fuck Dickface? You think I can't cook?" I threw a pillow at his face, wishing it hurt him but steroid monkey boy didn't even flinch.

"Well, it's not that I don't think you can cook. Though, I highly doubt it. But, if you haven't taken a peek, we have no food in our cupboards." Fuck, I didn't even think about buying food. I just assumed there would be something for me to make.

"That's not a problem, grab your shoes. We're going to the grocery store." I stood up and started walking to my bedroom to throw on some flip flops.

I could hear him yelling to me from down the hall, "No, I can't go. I've been banned from those stores for years now."

Banned from a grocery store? Is that even possible? What the fuck? "Emmett, stop talking shit and get your damn shoes on." I yelled back.

"No one appreciates my humor, and though I try to tame it, I can't. It's like some invisible force makes me do it." I had no idea what the hell he was talking about, but I was starting to figure out that my job title as "Babysitter" was looking like it might cause me a few migraines.

I walked back into the living room, and was happy to see that he had thrown on some Nike's and looked ready to go. I grabbed my purse and started to head to the door, "Now, you're going to be on your best behavior, right? Cuz I have no problem with spanking."

It only took a second to feel his huge hand smack me hard across the butt, "Don't worry, I'll like it."

We drove in his car to the store in complete silence. Em told me as we got in that we couldn't talk or play music because he needed to concentrate on his good behavior, obviously some type of bullshit line his mom fed him as a child to keep his damn mouth shut. And though I still think she's a fucking bitch, I was impressed by her parenting skills.

As we walked in to the store it didn't take long for his expression to change from pure concentration to a goofy smirk. I knew we were fucked. He grabbed a cart and told me that he would catch up with me, leaving me to figure out what to make on my own.

I decided on doing some chicken rolls since I was running low on time and they were easy to make. I made my way around the store grabbing all of the items I would need. As I went to grab the box of Stove Top Emmett came plowing down the aisle not even attempting to put his feet down to break before smashing his cart into mine.

"What the fuck are you doing?" I screamed at him while trying to pick up all of the boxes that he knocked off the shelves when my cart smashed into it.

"Sorry Bells, I guess my brakes went out."

"Umm, first of all my name is Bella. Second, knock off the shit and help me find some Cream of Chicken soup." I tried to look at him when I spoke, but I couldn't. His whole cart was filled with boxes of Snug fit condoms, making it pretty apparent that small dicks run in their family.

I restrained from looking in his direction as I stood up and followed him down the aisle. As we turned the corner Emmett decided to breakout into 007 mode, and slipped a few boxes of condoms into a poor old lady's cart. The unaware great-grandma kept on walking by as Emmett turned his head back towards me and gave me a little wink. I continued to follow him to the soup aisle, watching him throw more condoms into other passing customers carts. Each time he would try moving his hand in slow motion as if he was some sort of super hero, however, it just made him look like he was dropped on his head while being kicked out of the short bus.

Before Emmett waved good-bye and told me that he would catch up with me shortly, he whispered, "You should see how I once decorated Edward's whole bathroom in these boxes." I sighed in relief, realizing that I no longer needed to picture Dr. Dbag with a small dick. After that, I didn't give a fuck what Emmett did. I was just so happy for some odd reason.

As I made my way to the checkout with a cart full of ingredients to make dinner tonight and some of my necessities, including Cookie Crisp, Top Ramen, and Coke, I was stopped dead in my tracks by a nerd wearing a pocket protector and a name badge.

"Excuse me Ma'am, but we're going to have to ask you to leave." He grabbed a hold of the side of my cart and started to pull it towards him and away from me.

"What? What are you talking about? I didn't steal anything. I stopped doing that shit years ago. And though I did eat a Snickers bar, I left the package in the cart so I can pay for it. Promise." I started to look around, assuming I'd find some cops surrounding me like in the movies. But all I saw was some overweight Rent-A-Cop clutching his leather mace holder which was attached to his belt.

"Ma'am, our customers are complaining about your friend and our store frowns upon his type of behavior. We need you to please take your friend and leave before we have to contact the authorities." The cops? He's going to call the cops because of a lame condom prank?

"Are you seriously threatening to call the cops?" I tightened my grip on the cart and started to get into a tug-of-war fight with the dork. I thought the prank was pretty funny, and if it wasn't for the massive headache that came back, I would have joined Emmett.

"Look, I'm going to be very clear with you. We don't appreciate people putting items into other people's carts. We also don't appreciate people fondling our produce, especially while moaning very inappropriate things. Our deli clerks don't like being asked questions like _how much pasta salad would it take for two people to comfortably wrestle in _or if the _marshmallow salad can be used as a lubricant_. Do you get where I'm going with this?"

I hung my head down, trying not to bust out in laughter. I hated Emmett at this moment for not only pulling all these pranks but for not letting me in on them. "Can I at least just pay for these? I really need the groceries." I looked up at him through my eyelashes, which were always my home free ticket.

"Well…I guess you could," he didn't get a chance to finish that sentence. Emmett disrupted him by walking over to me, holding an empty can of tomato sauce and pushing his cart filled with the condom boxes and a few more empty cans. Before I could even imagine what the fuck he had done, I looked down on the ground and noticed a trail of sauce behind him. The manager dweeb walked passed Emmett and started to follow it, as I quickly followed behind him, already knowing what to expect but wanting to watch the expression on his face once he realized.

Less than a minute later, I made it to the end of the trail which just happened to be right in front of the tampons. I let out a loud laugh, unable to control myself anymore. I didn't even need to ask if I could still pay for my shit, I walked towards the door grabbing Emmett's arm on my way out. As we made it to the parking lot the fuck head actually tried to sit on a motorized handicapped shopping cart, saying something about bumper cars. It probably would have been fun, but it was now passed five and I had run out of options for dinner.

We again drove in silence, this time I think he was too afraid to speak. Worried I might yell at him like I'm sure his mother did on an hourly basis growing up, if not every fucking minute. When we got into the condo I started to rip apart the cabinets looking for anything that I could scrape together. I eventually found something, and though it wasn't gourmet, it was a specialty of mine.

When Edward walked through the door, I'm pretty sure he was expecting to smell some amazing Italian dish or maybe even a steak. Either way, I'm positive he wasn't expecting homemade biscuits and gravy. He walked into the kitchen and gave me an uncertain smirk, as if to ask what the hell was going on. I told him to go sit at the dining room table and dinner would be served in a few minutes. Yup, I was the perfect fucking housewife; dinner was ready for my bipolar roommate when he walked through the door. A part of me thought that I could actually get used to being a little domestic goddess, staying home and raising three kids while my husband worked. But then the sane part of my brain remembered how much I hated kids and how I would most likely sell them on ebay once I got bored.

We all ate in silence; I imagined Emmett was afraid that I was going to tell Edward about our earlier near run in with the law. And Edward seemed just as uncomfortable with the whole situation. I sat in my chair and remembered back to my childhood, Brinner was my mother's favorite thing to make. We would have everything from waffles to doughnuts. But, the very best were her banana pancakes. I could still picture her in the kitchen stirring up the mix and smashing up the bananas. My job was to scrape the bananas off the plate and into the mix. Then I was allowed to gently mix them all together.

They were always fluffy, perfect golden brown circles that made my mouth water. And she never forgot to make a little plate out of the drippings for my dolls, which she referred to as "Barbie pancakes". I never told her how much I enjoyed the pancakes but I knew in my heart that wherever she was, she knew that my life would never have been complete without them.

"Bella, are you listening?" Emmett asked from across the table.

"I'm sorry, I must have zoned out."

"I wanted to thank you for dinner, that was delicious. I'm on my way out to hang with some friends, would you like to come?" He stood up and took his plate over to the kitchen sink, making sure to first scrape it off into the trash can like an obedient child.

"Thanks for the offer, but I think I'm going to stay in tonight. Maybe next time."

"Alright then, I'll see you guys later." Emmett grabbed his keys off of the counter and walked out the door, leaving me alone at the table with Dr. Dbag.

We stared at each other for a few minutes until I couldn't take the discomfort any longer. I stood up and started to clear the table, ready to clean up and go to bed. It was a day from hell and I was officially done with it.

"Let me get that for you," Edward said as he appeared out of nowhere, grabbing the plate from my hands. "I'll clean up. You cooked." Something about his smile gave me goosebumps every time. I smiled back like an idiot. I had never had a guy offer to help me clean, let alone tell me he would do it all.

"Alright, if you don't mind I'm going to take that bottle of Cabo Wabo I saw in the cupboard earlier and take a bath."

He smirked, fucker. I hated his smirk. I hated it so much that I wanted to shove him on the ground, rip off my panties that I never wear but should, and sit on it. I hated that he could fuck with me so much without touching me or even talking. He could smile or smirk and he had me.

While I was busy with my internal rant, he had gone over and grabbed the bottle of tequila and was holding it in front of me. "If you take this, then you must come out after you're done and finish the rest of it with me."

Fuck me, how about if you just join me in the tub? "Who said there will be any left?"

He moved closer to me, using one hand to pull me by the hip. He leaned down to my ear, allowing me to feel the warmth of his breath on my neck. "Please." Fuck me, fuck me hard. He just begged. Well, not a full on beg but it was close enough.

When I walked into the bathroom, all the lust escaped my brain and my earlier thoughts of my fucked up life came back. I could still smell the gravy as I laid down in the tub filled with bubbles, drowning my tears brought on by my past with alcohol. All I wanted to do was forget, I was tired of small things triggering my memories of a time that I took for granted and now I lay there wishing I could go back. I started to feel dirty for all of my bad decisions I'd made, even the ones that I swore I would forget. I wanted to scrub them all away, to cleanse myself somehow of my choices.

I grabbed the loofah off the side of the tub and started to slowly run it up and down my leg, making sure that I pressed down hard enough that it caused my body to sting in response. The harder I pressed down on it, the less my mind wandered. I didn't care about being a whore at the moment. I just took in all of the pain, I welcomed it. I hadn't even realized that I moved from my legs to my stomach, ripping apart the skin with every stroke I made. Soon the clear bubbles were tinted pink, as I took more sips of the tequila.

A part of me wanted to just close my eyes and slip under the water, taking one last breath of air before visiting my mother. I wanted to join her. Even though I knew I couldn't. I was only vulnerable for a minute, taking one last chug I stood up and decided to get out before I did something that was crazy, even for me.

By the time I had dried off, the scratches had stopped bleeding, leaving only streaks of red lines all over me. I put on some sweats in an attempt to hide my weakness, over time I had perfected my emotionless mask and I was afraid for anyone to catch on. I wanted to be made out of marble. I wanted to be cold and hard to the world. I wasn't worth much more.

I grabbed the bottle of tequila from the bathroom counter and headed back towards the living room, stopping to notice that the kitchen and dining room was spotless. I assumed Edward was some sort of OCD freak who cleaned the kitchen with a toothbrush, making sure not to miss a single spot. Which could be fun to fuck with actually, everyday I can put a tiny spot of ketchup some place and see how long it takes him to notice it.

"Enjoy your bath?" He was sitting down on the sofa, cuddled in the extremely comfortable Snuggie blanket wearing what looked to be a wife beater. I was surprised to see him dressed so casually, he was always so dressed up. I assumed he ironed his pajamas or something.

"Umm… it was fine thanks. Whatcha watching?" I nodded towards the television.

"Nothing actually, there is absolutely nothing on. Unless, of course, you enjoy watching infomercials or a documentary on breastfeeding men." He raised an eyebrow at me, curious to hear my response.

"I can pass on the infomercials, but I'm game for the breastfeeding thing. That sounds interesting. It seems only fair that if girls have to give birth to those ugly creatures then men would be responsible for feeding them."

"What the hell is wrong with you Bella? They are babies not creatures. And a man's job is to go out and work so that the family is fed. That's what men do."

"Well, how come no one told that to my dad? Maybe he didn't get that memo."

My comment was enough to dampen any conversation, so feeling bad for saying it I decided to throw him the bottle of tequila. Maybe he too could drink until he forgot how fucked up I was.

As he tilted his head back, I was drawn to his neck. Something about the way his Adam's apple bobbed up and down while swallowing turned me on. I wanted to walk over to him and just bite it. Or at least lick it, or touch it, or even give it a fucking Eskimo kiss.

Against my better judgment I sat down next to him and grabbed the bottle away from his hands, needing more alcohol before I passed out for the night. Once the bottle was emptied, Edward got up and grabbed a new one that was hidden on the very top shelf. We were like stoners, except it was more like drink, drink, give. I could see the lights starting to go off in my head, when out of no where I decided to ruin this beautiful sharing moment.

"Ever play _I've Never_?" I asked him before taking another shot.

"I invent… I invented that shiiit." His words were starting to slur as he took the bottle from me.

"Great, me first," I started, "I've never… kissed a girl." He took a gulp and I reached over and grabbed the bottle for my own shot, which led to a funny look from him. I assumed everyone would know that I enjoyed me some lady love sometimes too. I didn't realize that it would be such a huge confession.

"Okay," he begun, "I've never ditched school." I let out a huge laugh, for someone who invented the fucking game he seriously sucked at it. I paused and waited for him to take a sip, but he didn't. I should have known that he was some fucking saint who never ditched class. I yanked the bottle out of his unworthy hands and took an extra long gulp, in honor of his shitty excuse for a question.

I could feel the sleep coming on even faster as I grabbed a corner of the blanket and pulled some of it over me. As it lifted up, I realized he was only wearing boxers and his wife beater. I started to get all flustered, not able to really think of a question to ask.

"I've never done a threesome." I spit out while taking another shot.

His eyes looked like they were about to fall out of his head due to my admission. Maybe revealing that I was a whore would turn him off enough that he would stop oozing sex appeal. But, like I've mentioned before… god hates me, so instead of turning off the sex appeal he turned it up a notch when he reached across my chest, gently brushing his fingertips over my hard nipples as he grabbed the bottle and took his own shot. Fuck. He had to admit to group sex, I knew that there was a dirty boy hiding underneath the good boy façade.

His face started to turn a funny shade of red, similar to when I get embarrassed. I couldn't tell for sure if he was nervous for his admittance or if it was from the very unhealthy amount of alcohol we were consuming. He glanced back down to the bottle before whispering, "I've never masturbated to a Disney movie."

I couldn't control my laughter, and actually spit some in his face. He quickly wiped my DNA from his face before lifting the bottle up to his lips and taking a large gulp. "Are you fucking kidding me? Who does that? To a fucking Disney movie? Do you have no shame? Wait… what movie?" The questions seemed to fly out of my mouth, one right after another. I was so shocked by his confession that I just had to know all of the details.

"Bella, must I remind you of the game? No questions can be asked to someone's response. You either need to take a shot or keep quiet." He had a very serious expression on his face as I started to roll around in a fit of laughter on the sofa, only stopping when I realized that he wrapped his legs around mine to control me. However, once I stopped with the seizure, his legs never left. We sat there, wasted and twisted up like a fucking pretzel.

"Whatever. You can't throw that shit out there and not fucking follow it up with some more information. Jacking off to Little Mermaid is a fucking weird admission, you should maybe go talk to someone about that." I rubbed my leg up his a little, making sure he realized it was a joke.

He grinned at my touch, "Who said it was Ariel, I'm personally more into girls named Belle. Wait… I meant I'm into that Belle chick."

His slip of the tongue was probably just a mistake, but hearing that he liked girls named Belle brought a smile to my lips. I felt like a little girl waiting for my crush to give me some kind of sign that he liked me, whether it was checking off yes or no or pulling my hair. Anything, I wanted to know that I wasn't the only one feeling a connection.

My eyes started to shut, and though I was trying to fight the sleep I knew it was about to take me. He gently nudged my shoulder to wake me up and handed me the bottle. When I grabbed it his hand went back down to his side and his fingertips fell on top of mine. He curled them up some and underneath the blanket we were now not only interlocked by our legs but also our fingers.

Right before I officially passed out, I decided to finish up my turn, "I've never had a sexual fantasy about another person in this room." I didn't care about the repercussions for my actions, or any awkwardness it might cause down the line. I was too tired to think clearly. I took a huge gulp of the warm tequila before he swiftly grabbed it out of my hand. Out of the corner of my closing eye, I could have sworn he also took a sip. But before I could really digest what he just confessed to, I was asleep.

Some time later, I felt like I was floating through the air landing on a cold cloud. I nuzzled into a comfortable position and was preparing for all the wonderful dreams I was about to have. Just as I started to see Johnny Depp, I felt something warm on the top of my head. I tried to open my eyes, but they were glued shut. The warmth slowly went away, leaving me with a warm feeling all over.

"Good night sweet Bella, may your dreams be filled with nothing but happy thoughts." I didn't know for sure who whispered that, but I had a strong feeling that it came from the same green-eyed god who had just entered into my sandwich dream.

Over the next few weeks, Emmett and I continued to go out at night, only to come home to an angry and irritated Edward. I had first thought that he was just mad that we were loud and coming in late, but after a few incidences I started to see jealousy in his eyes. I could never really understand it, since we always invited him and not to mention the fact that Emmett didn't swing my way.

A few occasions Alice would join Emmett and me out on the town. On those nights, she would do most of the talking which typically revolved around her ring, her fiancé, and her shopping addiction. She would also beg me to go shopping with her, and though part of me craved having a close girlfriend to hang out with, I felt like her offer was slightly insincere. It was hard to forget the memorable phone call with her mother, especially since everyday brought me closer to our lunch date.

On the nights that I didn't go out, I would stay home and watch television. I sat on one sofa and Edward would curl up on the loveseat. We never cuddled under a blanket again nor played human pretzel. But, there was the occasional touch here and there. Sometimes when I would walk down the hallway he would pass me and let his fingertips graze my skin, when I would look back at him he would wink. He would also come up from behind me in the bathroom and press up against me when grabbing something. I was probably reading too much into the occasional touch or nice gesture. But either way, I enjoyed having him near me.

August was almost over, and before I knew it I was sitting in my car with my backpack thrown on the passenger seat. The first day of school had arrived and I was stuck looking for a parking spot for over an hour. It then took me over 45 minutes to actually find my fucking Art History class, leaving me fifteen minutes late to class ruining my plan on being early. The thought of just skipping the class and trying to find a bench to nap on crossed my mind a few times. But I knew that if I started my school year that way, then I would most likely keep up the same routine. So I approached the door and slowly tried to open it, hoping to make a quick entrance and sit down before anyone noticed me. That didn't happen. The door squeaked more than my old bed in my mom's house, which said a lot because even small dick Jared, who had no rhythm and hardly even moved, made enough noise to wake up the neighbors. So needless to say, that stupid fucking door needed to seriously take a bath in some WD-40.

Once I entered the classroom, all eyes were on me and I noticed that there was only one desk open in the back right corner, which was perfect since I never sat in the front. I pushed through all the people saying my "excuse me" and "pardon me" bullshit lines, most of the girls didn't even try to make an effort to move. Instead they rolled their eyes and turned their heads. One girl in particular was such a bitch she actually stuck her foot further out in front of her, in an effort to block my path. Obviously, the bitch needed to learn to be more perceptive because I purposely kicked her fucking purse as I stepped over her. I looked back at the mess I left behind and gave her a nice grin. Stupid girl.

When I made it to the desk I sat down and grabbed my notebook, ready to start taking notes or at least pretend to take notes as I acted like a child and wrote my name followed with numerous last names like Depp, Pattinson, and my new favorite… Cullen. Yes, I'm fucking lame. As I looked up at the front of the class I noticed that our Professor wasn't there yet, which was amazing and gave me hope that my day could at least end on a good note, unlike how it started fighting idiots for a parking spot.

After about 15 more minutes of sitting around twittering random people on my cell phone the door squeaked open again and in walked a Greek God. I have no idea what this fucking city put in their tap water but holy shit, the men here made it almost impossible to go a whole day without changing my panties at least twice. He had shoulder length honey blond curly hair that was just begging for me to pull and his blue eyes reminded me of sapphires. He was dressed in a pair of jeans, a white plain tee and a fucking hot ass pair of black creepers. When he approached the desk in the front of the classroom he threw his messenger bag on the table and I literally heard moans come out of all the skank's mouths. It dawned on me why there were no seats open in the front, obviously the girls all wanted a nice view.

"Good morning class, my name is Jasper Hale. You can call me Jasper or Professor, but if you refer to me as Mr. Hale or Professor Hale then I will ask you to leave the class. Mr. Hale is my father and Professor Hale sounds like someone who has a stick up their ass."

All the girls in the class started to giggle and I could have sworn that underneath all of the laughter I heard the guy next to me mumble, "_I wouldn't mind sticking something up that ass."_ After hearing that comment I knew that I had just met my new best friend. I turned to the side and squeezed into the desk beside me was a giggling Indian or Native American or whatever the fucking PC term is. I could see his muscles and tight fucking abs through his tiny wife beater tank top. He had long brown hair that was pushed behind his ears and an adorable smile. When we finally made eye contact I winked at him and whispered, "If he's a lady's man, he's mine. And if he's and man's man, I'll share him." His laughter filled the room, which made the whole class look back at us. We didn't keep their attention for long since Professor Sex God started his lecture, but before I started to doodle again I heard him whisper, "deal." Yup, I knew right then that we were going to be very good friends.

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_Thank you so much for reading! Feedback is better than a Bella, Edward, Heels sandwich… so please, make this poor pathetic housewife's day… and leave some love!_

_Also, don't forget to read, review & vote for:_

_**900 Ways to Make Money:**_

Bella is a broke grad student looking for a job. Edward is a lonely doctor looking for some company. Their worlds collide during this one-shot for the "Tattward & Inkella" contest. Due to some juicy, wet, lip puckering lemons this fic is rated M. AH

_**http://www (dot)fanfiction (dot) net/s/5234228/1/**_

_**Vote:**_

_**http://www (dot)fanfiction (dot) net/~tattwardandinkella**_

_**(link for voting is on the top of the page)**_


	8. Chapter 8

_I wanted to thank everyone who voted for 900 Ways to Make Money (my Tattward/Inkella o/s). It took 3__rd__ place, only to be beaten by the amazing HunterHunting. For those of you interested, I will be turning it into a multi-chapter story very soon. If you would like to receive teasers here and there, please check out the Sandwich Dreams thread over at Twilighted._

_The Comma Queen (Pamela0201)- You seriously are amazing. Thank you for always keeping EmoBriana in check and for staying up WAY past your bedtime (time zones fucking suck)._

Disclaimer: Please don't sue me!!! Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I'm just a lame newbie writer trying to entertain a few people.

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I tried to pay attention in class, but Professor Fuck Me was too distracting. Anytime I looked up at him I saw his adorable curls. I was just dying to go up there, wrap my fingers around them, and give a nice little tug. And when he slipped and used the word "Y'all" every once in a while, I wondered what it would be like for his tongue to make the same movement in between my legs.

His boyish charm was obviously hard for anyone to resist. Every time he walked by the front row of Barbie sluts, a pen or notebook would mysteriously drop from one of their desks. We all held our breaths as he bent over and gave us an amazing view of his ass. I closed my eyes and envisioned biting on it, I honestly just wanted to eat his juicy ass like a rare piece of filet mignon.

However, as distracting as my professor was, it was also hard not to notice the guy sitting next to me who was also drooling over the same piece of meat. Occasionally, when he would turn his head and catch me watching him eye-fuck our teacher he would give me a little wink before dragging his gigantic tongue over the top of his upper lip, as if trying to show me all that he had to offer our professor. And me, being the girl that could never resist a pissing contest, would retort by sticking out my tongue and showing him how I could do the wave.

Once class was dismissed, a line of girls formed at the front of the class to ask Professor Fuck Me ridiculous questions that could most likely be answered if they just read through their syllabus. But, these bitches didn't give a fuck how dumb they appeared, they just wanted to get close enough to smell his body wash or feel the warmth of his rock hard body while standing next to him.

I, on the other hand, had a different idea. I walked quickly out of the classroom and Bee-lined it for the vending machines to squash the hollowing monster that was hiding in my belly. Once I found them, my eyes went straight for the Twix bars and the Twinkies, two of the best creations known to man. I grabbed my wallet and tried to shove my dollar bill into the fucking machine but like the asshole that it was, it kept denying it. I stood there trying to smooth it out on the side of the machine, knowing that one little wrinkle on the bill would cause it to be declined.

Finally, after a few minutes, the machine took the whole dollar in, paused a moment, and spat it back out at me. I was so fucking pissed, feeling like a dude who was just spit on by a prostitute. It just wasn't fair. It was the machine's job to take my fucking dollar just like it's the whore's job to swallow down the jizz. Even if it tasted like warm salty egg whites, she should be begging for more.

I couldn't control my anger, so like the dumb shit that I was, I started to kick and punch the vending machine. Hoping that it could feel just the slightest amount of pain. I pushed on it, attempting to break something loose from the grips of the metal coils that held the sugary good stuff out of my reach.

Finally, I heard something drop to the bottom. I was so excited that my effort was successful, I did my own personal fist pump in the air letting everyone who was around me know. If they didn't already think I was fucking crazy they certainly did now. I knelt down and pushed the black door open, excited to see the prize I had just stolen. As I grabbed the package, my mouth started to water. However I didn't get the Twix bar or Twinkie like I wanted, I didn't even get a fucking Nutri-Grain bar. I stole a packet of unsalted peanuts.

It didn't take long for me to lose my shit even more. Kicking the machine again, as I yelled at it for fucking with my brain.

"You know, kicking it won't work." I heard from an incredibly deep voice coming from behind me. I wanted to turn around and see who was mocking me, but I assumed it was probably some rent-a-cop warning me about destroying school property.

"Fuck off, I'm busy," I replied, as I continued to kick at it.

I felt two hands grab my shoulder and gently pull me away from the fist fight I was currently having with the metal fucking box. As I turned around, I was ready to be escorted off of the premises by some overweight college drop out who now worked on the campus of the college he gave up on over thirty years ago.

To my excitement standing behind me was a very tall, overly worked out, gay guy. He had a contagious goofy little grin on his face which made me break out of my shitty mood and smile back.

His hands had dropped down to his side and as my eyes scanned over his whole body I was left wondering if he might have been bisexual. Because, the only thing that would have completely distracted me from my candy bar that was robbed from me was sucking on the Twix bar he kept hidden in his unbelievably perfect pair of jeans.

"So, have you given up on stalking our professor and taken up following me around?" I tried to wipe the fucking dorky grin off my face but I couldn't. Everything about him made me smile; he was drenched in good mood vibes.

"I can't help myself, you're adorable." He snickered as he pointed to my worn out Chucks that were peaking out from under my long summer dress.

"Um, so you're like a stray dog?"

"Kind of, except this stray dog has enough money to buy lunch. Wanna join me?"

I thought to my next class, Yoga, which I had to take because I was short a unit when trying to figure out my schedule. I hated to exercise, and the idea of doing downward dog without being naked and in bed with some hot guy seemed like a waste of fucking time. If I wanted to workout it was going to be in a room full of sweaty men not a bunch of sorority girls gossiping about their lame lives.

My answer was pretty obvious when I grabbed my bag off the ground and started to walk towards the parking lot. I didn't even take the time to nod my head, my stomach was growling loud enough I'm sure people in the surrounding classes could hear that I needed food.

"Do you have a car?" He asked, trying to catch up to my fast pace.

"Yeah, it's right there." I pointed to my car which was nicely protected from the hot Southern California sun under the shade of a palm tree.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" He didn't give me enough time to answer him as he started to literally fucking run to my baby. I knew that his dick was growing, just like most men when they see her for the first time.

He walked around a few times, making sure to absorb all of her beauty. He never touched her, which meant he was a smart man and didn't want to be punched in the gut like I had done to so many people in the past.

"I was going to offer to take us to the restaurant on my bike, but fuck… I can't now." I sensed a small amount of disappointment in his tone. As if he was looking forward to impressing me with some kick ass motorcycle only to be one-upped by a bitch.

I unlocked my baby and allowed the stray dog to enter into my own personal heaven. There hadn't been too many passengers before, so even though he didn't know it, he was very lucky to be sitting down on my black leather seat.

"Where are we going?" I asked as I revved the engine, looking over to my side so I could see the excitement in his face. He was like a little kid on Christmas morning, running down the stairs to see what Santa had left underneath the tree.

As I sat there waiting for an answer I thought back to my reason for buying the car. I sold the house that I was raised in and bought their dream car. It was something that would always remind me of my mom and Charlie. I knew that they would agree, for once, with my decision. I could feel the traitor tears start to collect in the corner of my eyes and I rubbed them as if I had something in them.

"Does In-N-Out sound good to you?" His question brought me out of my daydreaming, reminding me of the screaming sounds coming from my stomach

"Yeah, that sounds great. That place has the best hamburgers ever, and seriously I wonder how I ever survived without having one near my house while growing up."

"What? You didn't have an In-N-Out by you?"

"Um, no. They didn't have any where I lived in Washington." I pulled out of the parking spot and started to head towards the main street.

"Well, lets go pop Eleanor's In-N-Out cherry." I noticed right away that he obviously knew his cars, and the nicknames that often accompany them.

He asked me questions about my Shelby Cobra the whole ride there, only stopping a few times to tell me directions. When we finally arrived I almost felt bad for pulling him out of the car. It looked like he wanted to move in, or at the very least jerk off while driving it at 100 miles per hour down a curvy mountain road.

We ordered our food and took a seat at the back corner booth, allowing us a little bit of privacy before the place got swarmed with the lunch time crowd. Our conversation was pretty generic at first, we actually introduced ourselves and talked about why we were taking the Art History class with Professor Fuck Me. He told me about how he was raised in the area on a local Indian reservation, and how the reservations around San Diego had casinos on them, which was fucking awesome to learn about. I knew that Vegas wasn't too far of a drive, but to have a casino only a half hour away and still live by the beach… well, that was just paradise.

I told him about life in Forks, which took all of about two minutes to describe. Nothing very exciting going on in the middle of fucking no where to tell him about. Then the conversation changed to a topic that I always hated talking about.

"So Bella, are you dating anyone?" He asked while licking their trademark hamburger sauce off his lips with that enormous fucking tongue of his.

"Why Jake? Are you into fucking the other hole?" I was hoping that my crude remark would help change the topic. But, like the new best friend that he was, it only sparked his curiosity.

"Well, I tried that other hole once or twice before and it just never did anything for me. I prefer my dick to look like a fudgesicle when I pull out. Tuna dick is just not very appetizing." His face stayed incredibly serious as he spoke, I on the other hand broke out into a fit of fucking laughter. I imagined his dick actually being a chocolate popsicle, watching it melt down his legs. I bet some guy would have loved to feel his cold cock press inside their ass.

"You truly are a sick little fucker aren't you?" I eventually said in between my snorts.

"Stop talking shit on my sex life, I'm sure you've had a few experiences with fudge packing yourself."

"Umm… no, not so much. My asshole is one of the very few parts of my body that I can still claim as being… virginal."

"Oh, you haven't done the dirty deed yet. Well, give it time. When you meet the right guy, I'm sure you will be more than happy to let him check your oil levels with his dick stick." I almost spat out my fucking french fry listening to him. He was a male version of me, which was really fucking scary.

"I'll take your word for that, I don't date. I fuck them and leave them. I never stay around for much more than a quick encore." He leaned in closer, with a look of irritation on his face.

"What the fuck is wrong with people nowadays, no one wants to have a relationship anymore. It's seriously starting to piss me off." He was trying to keep his voice at a whisper but being a fucking giant with arms the size of my waistline, his whisper was very similar to my yell. "Every time I meet a nice guy who I would like to enjoy a few dates with, they stop calling me. Always feeding me some bullshit line about being too young to get involved seriously with another person, or the whole 'I just got out of the closet and the last thing I want to do is settle down'."

A part of me felt almost bad for him, I at first wanted to go find the fucking assholes that would say that type of shit to Jake. I wanted to go kick their queer asses, but then I realized that I was that guy. I had said similar things to people in an effort to avoid a second date. Unless the second date was purely a late night booty call, I was never one to enjoy repeat business.

"Maybe you should stop complaining about the guys who don't want commitment and start to join them. Enjoy your life before it's gone." It was a pathetic attempt at some sort of encouragement.

"Whatever Bella, haven't you ever wanted to fall asleep in someone's arms? To wake up next to him and feel completely happy that you're there. Instead of having to search around for your underwear which you find hanging from the ceiling fan, running out to your car before daylight so that no one witnesses your walk of shame?" Huh, panties hanging from a ceiling fan? I seriously need to try that shit. I would love to watch the guy spend an hour searching his room for his boxers only to have his mom ask him why they were hanging from the fan!

"No, I don't think I've ever felt that way. I leave before getting attached. I don't ever allow myself to get hurt." I hated getting serious with him, especially since we were having such a fun time. But I knew that he was being honest with me, and it was only fair that I do the same. Or at least attempt to do the same.

"Girl, you need some fucking help. You have issues. Maybe you can find some sort of rehab, like a twelve step program for relationship retards." Fuck this prick, did he just call me retarded. I hate that word. It's fucking rude, and even I don't step down to that level.

"Fuck you Jacob Black," I spat at him while getting up to throw away my trash.

As I was walking for the door to head back to my car, I felt his arm lock around mine. "Listen Bella, I didn't mean to piss you off. It's just that, I think maybe you should consider taking some sort of baby steps to help you and your commitment issues. You know, like taking it slow. Sleeping in the arms of a guy that you like will not kill you. Well, unless he has a major case of fucking gas. I mean what the fuck, why would you bring home someone if you can't control your fucking-"

"Okay… okay… I've heard enough. I got your point. Baby steps, yeah… I'll think about it."

After taking Jacob back to school I made a date to meet him the next day at In-N-Out for lunch again. It was going to be our new routine. We would try to squeeze in as many lunches together as possible in order for him to help me deal with my relationship issues, and for me to help him loosen up some and just enjoy fucking and dumping. We were also going to support each other through this semester, especially since both of us seemed to have our plates full with shitty classes.

At our last lunch of the week I decided to invite Jacob out to dinner that evening with Edward and Emmett. I had talked to him a little bit about my roommates, but I never told him that Emmett was gay or that I was crushing a little on Edward. I thought it would be fun to introduce all of them together, not to mention, Emmett and Jake would look so fucking cute together. Well, if not as a couple than it would be at least a fucking hot sex tape.

"So, do you have plans tonight?" I raised my eyebrow in his direction while biting into my hamburger. I was trying not to make a mess out of it, but since Jacob insisted on me ordering it animal style, it was hard not to.

"Depends, what do you have in mind?"

"Well, I would like to have you meet my roommates tonight. We were planning on all going to Latitudes tonight for dinner and drinks." I didn't want to say too much to him, but I knew that he didn't look very interested. "Not to mention, one of my roommates is fucking adorable… and gay."

"Well, god damn it Bella… why didn't you tell me about this sooner? You're a fucking bitch for keeping secrets. I _will_ make you pay." He grabbed out his cell phone and started pushing a bunch of fucking buttons way too fast.

"What the fuck are you doing?" I pointed to the phone.

"Canceling plans with Seth, my new bottom boy." He kept texting so fucking fast that I hardly even saw his fingers move, I could just hear the buttons as he pressed them.

"Don't cancel plans, we can always do this another time." I felt kind of bad, especially if he didn't like Emmett and I'm blocking him from getting some dick tonight.

"No, it's cool. Seth was going to a butch bar with his sister Leah tonight anyway. He was trying to get me to join and I was hoping to come up with an excuse. This is perfect." He set down his phone and looked back up at me. "Now, tell me about this fucking hot roommate of yours."

"There isn't much to tell you about him. He's tall and super fit like you; he is actually an athlete by profession. Though his exterior is rough, he's a fucking teddy bear at heart. And if he were straight and if I didn't want to fuck his brother, I would totally jump on his dick."

"Wait, hold up. Did you just say that you want to fuck your other roommate?" Fuck me, he had caught my slip. He was fucking good at catching my mistakes, which made me want to shove my foot through his ball sack underneath the table.

"Whatever, it's not a big deal. I flirt with him on occasion and when we first met we kind of fooled around a little. But then he told me he wasn't in to it, and I realized that fucking my roommate wouldn't be such a great idea. So here we are, just friends. Even though, for some reason, every time I see this so-called friend I want to fuck his brains out. Whatever… You better keep your fucking mouth shut though. My fucking slip doesn't need to be repeated. Not that it really matters. I'm sure that it is a normal reaction when you put two people from the opposite sex and different family trees under one roof."

"Umm, no. That wouldn't happen to me. If I were stuck in a house with a chick I would be giving her make-up tips and begging her to go shopping with me." I started laughing, picturing Jacob hitting the mall with Alice.

"Well, if you hit it off with Emmett than you will become best friends soon enough with his sister, Alice. You guys would be like too prissy peas in one motherfucking pod." Before I could finish my sentence he was throwing french fries at me like a prick. He apparently didn't give a shit if his grease sticks left a mark on my white shirt.

"Don't ever call me prissy again," He stood up, towering over me, "I'm no one's bottom bitch." HA! I wanted so badly to fucking buy his homemade porno. I would love to watch him railing some frail little boy underneath all of his muscles. I'm sure he left bruises on their hips from holding on too tight.

"What time should I meet you guys there?" He asked while pulling out his helmet from under the table.

"We will be there at eight, and please try to act smooth. I don't want Emmett to realize that he's being set up. Okay?" I knew that Jacob was probably fucking horrible at being smooth, just like me, but I still needed to at least try to warn him. I would hate to have Emmett upset at me for taking it upon myself to help him find a man.

"Hey baby, I'm just like butter," he smiled while getting ready to turn around and leave.

"You know what they say about butter girls..."

"Fuck you whore," he waved while walking out. I couldn't help but smile. He was my male counterpart. I loved everything about him, and the fact that we could exchange tips on blow jobs made our relationship even better.

When I got home that night I quickly got dressed, deciding to wear something a little bit sexy. So I pulled out my metallic silver skirt with a black shirt and some adorable black bootie sandals. I made sure to put on a little more makeup than normal, especially since I hardly wear any, and styled my hair to look more like wavy just-got-fucked hair.

I took a quick glance in my mirror before heading to the front door to meet up with Emmett, who had been waiting for over a half hour for me to finish. He gave me a quick glance before telling me how badly my skirt made him want to fuck me on the kitchen counter. This would have almost been a compliment if I thought he really meant it.

When we got to the restaurant we decided to be seated right away and order some drinks, rather than wait for Edward and Jacob to arrive. Both of us seemed nervous for some reason, and wanted to hurry up and get the buzz started as soon as possible.

Three drinks later, Jacob arrived looking very fucking hot in a white dress shirt and distressed jeans. I looked over at Emmett's reaction, hoping to see at least some sort of smirk. But he didn't give me anything. The fucker's eyes roamed passed Jake as he stared at a group of bimbos standing at the bar. I wanted to kick him under the table and help wake him up from his obvious day dream.

Jacob squeezed into the booth and pulled himself extremely close to me, wrapping his arm over my shoulders. Emmett looked over to us and gave me a like wink, like giving me approval on my new boyfriend. The thought of dating Jacob made me choke on the piece of calamari I had in my mouth. Both guys quickly came to my rescue, with Jake patting my back and Emmett grabbing my hand asking me if I was alright. I felt like a bitch in the middle of their gay love sandwich.

"I'm fine, I was just… fuck, a little caught off guard." I grabbed my drink and downed it before waving to the waiter and asking for another one. I was already feeling a little tipsy but I was in the mood to slur my words so a few more sounded perfect.

Emmett moved back to the edge of the table and continued his people watching, while Jacob scooted even closer to me and started to whisper into my ear.

"Your gaydar is seriously fucking broken," his breath on my ear and his hand massaging my shoulder was such a fucking turn on, something about this dick sucker turned me on.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" I tried to whisper back to him, making sure that Emmett didn't overhear me.

"Your friend, Emmett, he's about as gay as Brad Pitt."

"What? Brad Pitt isn't gay, last I heard I think him and Angelina were looking into adopting a whole African tribe." I looked over at Jake, our noses almost touching, trying to understand what he was talking about.

"My point exactly, Emmett isn't gay. How the fuck did you ever come to this conclusion anyways."

I sat there looking into Jake's dark brown eyes, trying to think back to how or why I ever though Emmett was gay. I tried to remember if he ever told me about any guys in his past, or if he had ever flirted with guys while we were out. But, I couldn't think of anything. I guess it was the lack of flirting with me, then I started to just assume. Fuck, I felt like such an asshole. Obviously, I just wasn't the Cullen brothers' type of girl.

"Don't worry about it sweetheart, it happens to the best of us. You should have been there when I made a move on one of my fraternity brothers last semester. Needless to say, I decided that the frat life wasn't for me." I couldn't help but giggle at his confession. He pulled me in tighter, giving me a hug as my head dug into his neck.

"Um, sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt." The voice from my dreams quickly broke me from my embrace with my gay lover.

I looked up and saw Edward staring at Jacob, and not some type of friendly nice to meet you type of look. I swore that it looked like Edward wanted to seriously rip Jake's head off and eat it for dinner.

Trying to break the discomfort of their stare down I introduced them, "Edward this is my friend from school, Jacob. Jacob this is my other roommate, Edward."

They shook hands, though I could tell that the shake was a little bit more of an attempt to prove their masculinity to the other. Edward shoved his way into the booth and we all continued to drink in silence. Any time Jacob and I would giggle at some sort of inside joke, Edward would give us the death stare. I didn't know for sure what crawled up his ass and died but I was willing to pay for someone to reach up and pull it out. Fuck, never mind that, I'm sure Jacob wouldn't have had a problem grabbing it. Though he thought Edward was a little bit of a drama queen, he too couldn't deny that he was a fucking sex god.

The dinner went by slowly as everyone tried to come up with something to say. You know, those forced conversations that you pretend to be interested in but really you're just checking your cell phone begging that someone would call you so that you could run out the front door. I felt horrible that the night wasn't going as I had planned, and was ready to just get going.

Right when I thought that nothing else could make the evening any worse, Edward started in with the questions. He kept quizzing Jake about where he lived and worked. He wanted to know what he was studying and how his grades were. Questions about his future career goals and even what fucking religion he practiced were involved. I wanted to hide under the table, I was so fucking uncomfortable. It was like witnessing an interrogation at Guantanamo Bay, I felt bad for anyone who had ever had to deal with his questions while on a witness stand.

Before long Emmett had excused himself, mumbling something about plans he had made months ago that he couldn't cancel. Shortly after that Jacob said that he was going to meet up with Seth and at least end the night with a good fuck. This left me sitting alone at the table with just Edward, who was now my ride home.

I still felt like he had a chip on his shoulder, so the conversation between the two of us was non-existent as he paid the bill and we walked out to his car. As I sat down, I was quickly reminded about the last time I rode in it. I remembered the feelings of wanting to give him road head or at the very least a great hand job. And now, here I was. Sitting in the same car, praying that we would get home soon.

The silence that fell between us was incredibly uncomfortable, making me fidget like a crack whore. I started to dig through my purse a little, not looking for anything in particular but not wanting to just sit there. I reapplied my strawberry Bonne Bell Chap Stick, only to lick it off a minute later. That shit tasted so good. It always left me pissed that I was actually getting chapped lips from the addiction I had to licking off my chap stick. Now that was some major fucking irony.

After I played with my side of the temperature gauge, moving it from hot to cold and back to hot again, Edward had finally had enough. His cold hand reached over to mine and gently squeezed it, letting me know that he was annoyed.

I placed my hand in my lap and waited patiently like an obedient child who was waiting for their father to discipline them. However, in my mind, I was hoping this daddy would take off his belt and smack me, followed up with a little doggy style action. Just thinking about him behind me, pulling my hair, made my hands unknowingly slide up my lap and settle between my legs.

I started to feel my body heat up at the thought of us fucking, but Mr. Cockblocker himself decided to snap me out of my moment.

"So Bella," he began, "are you and Jacob dating?"

His question caught me off guard, and though it was completely ridiculous since Jake was so clearly more attracted to cock than pussy. Though, in true Bella style, I wanted to fuck with him a little bit. There was a side of Edward that was starting to slowly show through, a side of him that tended to be slightly protective of me. I didn't know for sure if it was the whole big brother deal or if he had some small amount of feelings for me. Either way, I loved fucking with him.

"Nope," I looked over at him, making sure to pause long enough to get the full effect. "We're just fucking."

Edward gripped the steering wheel so fucking hard I honestly thought he was going to rip it off. He started to speed up and I knew that something about what I said had really pissed him off.

"Is everything alright Edward?" I bit my lower lip, making sure I didn't laugh.

He took a few seconds to snap out of his thought, "Yeah, it's just… well," his voice was dripping in anger and frustration and for a moment I actually felt bad for fucking with him. "Don't you think it's a little soon to already be sleeping with him? I mean, didn't you just meet him?"

Great, he was worried about his baby sister catching some STD, "Don't worry about it dad, I learned how to use a condom correctly in elementary school. I'm fine."

His grip on the steering wheel somehow got even tighter, which I honestly would never have imagined being possible. He pulled the car over to the shoulder of the freeway and slammed on the breaks, taking a minute to calm himself down.

"I honestly don't know which is more disturbing, the idea of you fucking that guy or trying to use a condom on your Barbie dolls."

"Oh don't worry, I wasn't practicing on a doll… no need to practice on a plastic object when you have the real thing in front of you. You know what I mean?" Yup, in another typical Bella fashion, I took it one step too far.

Edward looked over at me and I could seriously see fucking steam coming out of his ears, like some Saturday morning cartoon character. His eyes had changed from the typical emerald green color which made my panties instantly drop to a darker shade of forest green. He wasn't in the mood to be fucked with, that was pretty clear.

I knew I needed to fess up before he kicked me out on the side of the freeway, "Calm down psycho, I haven't been fucking Jake. I guess you didn't notice but my new friend Jacob wants to fuck you, not me."

His eyes went from a serious almond shape to completely wide opened and surprised. His hands that were gripping the steering wheel relaxed and eventually one hand made its way into his hair, roughly combing through it and even giving the ends a little tug. As I sat there and watched him play with his hair my mind started to wander, surprisingly. I wanted to scream at him to knock it off but I couldn't stop staring. Every part of my body wanted to climb over and find out how far back his seat reclined.

I gave him a few minutes to calm himself the fuck down. Finally he reached over and placed his hand gently on mine, which was now resting on the arm rest. "Bella, I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to be a jerk. It's just that… lately I've been feeling a little… protective of you."

I grabbed my hand out from under his, I was done with the conversation. I hated when people pitied me. He didn't even know why I was fucked up yet and he still felt the need to be some sort of protector of me. I wanted so badly to punch him in the face, I wanted to watch his nose bleed and his eyes tear. I wanted to prove to him that I could take care of myself.

"I'm not your sister. I'm not your fucking daughter. I don't need your protection from the world. I'm a big girl, I can take care of myself." I stared out the window, not wanting to make eye contact with him. I was afraid of my own actions, assuming that one wrong look would get me, and my fist, in a lot of trouble.

His laughter filled the car, which pissed me off even more. I quickly turned my head back in his direction, making sure he knew how fucking serious I was. Mr. D-bag obviously didn't care about his fucking health too much, because the laughter just started getting louder.

"What the fuck are you laughing at?" I spat out through gritted teeth.

"I'm sorry… I… umm, is that what you think? You think I see you as a sister or a daughter?"

I was so over the fucking conversation. My right hand started to feel around the door, looking for the handle. I was ready to get the fuck out of there, even if I had to walk along the freeway. I'm sure some horny truck driver would have given me a ride home for a blow job. As a matter of fact, I'm sure my world famous BJ could have gotten me dinner, a movie, and a fucking ride home.

"Bella," his hand reached across and cupped the side of my face, the warmth of it causing my face to blush, "another word for protective could be… jealousy."

We stared at each other as I swallowed in a deep breath. I sat there so fucking confused, seconds ago wanting to punch him in the face and now wanting to suck his cock. My mind was so incredibly fucked up that not even Sigmund Freud could figure my shit out.

"Jealousy?" I asked, baffled as fuck with what he meant. This was the same guy who told me I wasn't his type. He didn't like me, though he was jealous of another guy being with me.

"Yes, jealous. The idea of you being with another person just… well, I just don't like it."

Holy fuck, Edward was jealous! I wanted to laugh at him, I wanted to stick my tongue at him like a child and tell him he deserved to watch me grope other men because he denied me. You don't get to flirt with me one minute, then tell me I wasn't your type the next, then later flirt with me some more. He needed a shrink almost as bad as I did.

"So, are you going to get all Mark Wahlberg on me? Like in that movie _Fear?"_ I tried to break the awkward moment with some humor, because that's what I do. I rely on humor to hide how uncomfortable I am with a situation.

Before I could come up with something else funny to say he leaned over towards me, our eyes still locked. It seemed like he was moving in slow motion as his head moved even closer, the anticipation almost killing me. I closed my eyes and just tried to enjoy the moment.

I could feel the heat from his lips but he stopped right before I could feel them touch mine. "The only part of that movie I want to replay with you, involves us on a rollercoaster."

The distance between us didn't take long to close, as I felt his lips touch mine. They were softer than I expected, as they lingered for a moment. With the sudden rush of emotions and the adrenaline pumping through our veins, our kiss started to get rough and forceful as if we were pushed together by some outside force. I kept picturing Reese Witherspoon pushing Mark's hand up her skirt as they were slowly pulled to the top of the rollercoaster. I wanted to feel his fingers in me; I wanted to have him feel what he did to me.

As my intensity grew, Edward shifted back some, allowing his tongue to tenderly caress my lower lip. The softness of his touch did more than just turn me on, it actually gave me butterflies. And not just a little bit, these butterflies were having fucking grand mal seizures in my stomach.

A part of me was so scared of this new feeling that I wanted to push him away. I wanted to escape from the pain that would eventually come from this relationship. And even more, I wanted to drown myself for even using the fucking word _relationship._ It had always been a word I swore I would never use. But, in this moment, I thought back to my conversation with Jake. And I knew that he was right, I needed to change. If I was ever going to be happy, I would need to take small steps.

I slightly parted my lips, allowing him to enter. His tongue slid inside for only a moment, as if just testing the waters. Our kiss started to increase in intensity as our tongues danced together. His hand moved from my cheek up to the back of my head, pressing me even closer to him. I could feel the warmth of his body, the warmth of our tongues, and the warmth of our kiss.

As his body started to pull back, he bit down on my lower lip, dragging his teeth slowly against my skin. I wasn't ready for the moment to end, but knew that it was time. Not because we were sitting on the side of the fucking freeway, but because we both needed some time to understand what the fuck just happened.

He gave me one sweet little kiss before pulling completely away from me and putting the car into gear. My body was in shock over what had just happened and even if I wanted to say something, my lips were frozen. For the first time in my life, I had actually felt something and not just lust. I didn't just want to fuck his brains out, although that did cross my mind, I actually wanted to take my time. I wanted to enjoy him. As stupid as that fucking sounded.

Before pulling out into the traffic, he turned back towards me. The look in his eyes was more than want or passion, it was as if he was about to pour his heart out to me. I tried to keep my eyes locked on his, afraid to turn away when he finally spoke.

"I will never get used to seeing you with another man. And… if I have it my way, I never will."

When we arrived home, Edward, being the gentleman that he always pretends to be, ran over to my side of the car and opened up the door for me, grabbing my hand in an attempt to help me with my balance. I was surprised when he didn't let go of my hand, but instead held it as he led me out of the parking structure.

As we walked to the elevator, I could feel him softly squeezing my hand with his own. There was something so innocent about the way he led me inside and used his other hand to press the floor button. Something about the scene made me feel like I was in some cheesy romance movie, like the elevator door was going to close and the credits would start rolling. I wanted to let go of his hand and shove some distance in between him, remind him of a little thing called _personal space,_ but I didn't. Something about the situation pulled me in to experience it.

He opened the front door and let me enter first, making sure to not let go of my hand. As we walked down the hallway I was starting to get some sort of complex. I had never held anyone's hand for this long, even as a child my mother would yell and scream at me, and I would try to tell her that she had germs. My mind started to wander to all of those late night commercials about people needing help with their sweating problems as I felt a drip of sweat run down my wrist through our conjoined hands. I started to pray that Edward wouldn't feel it. And maybe if he did, he would just realize that it was some sort of medical problem that I couldn't control, just like that doctor would explain on the commercials.

The closer we got to his bedroom door the more I could feel him gently rubbing circles into the soft spot between my thumb and finger. I wanted to enjoy the moment, and appreciate the tender gesture but instead my hand started to instantly itch like I had some fucking rash on it. I was dying as we stopped, I wanted to scratch my hand so fucking bad and he was looking at me like he never wanted to let go.

He turned towards me, looking down at our interlaced fingers, "I'm not ready to say good night."

It took me a minute to stop thinking about my fucking itching hand to realize what he was saying. Edward wanted me to stay with him. He wanted me.

I knew that I wanted to fuck him, or at the very least see him naked. God, I had had so many damn dreams of fucking him that the idea of doing it in real life was almost too much for my body to comprehend. But, I knew that I wasn't ready. I never spent the night in someone's bed, I never allowed myself to get that connected with a guy. He wanted me to stay with him, he wanted me to cuddle into his arms and lay with him in his bed. And though, many girls would be begging for this, I was scared shitless.

I needed to try baby steps. If I was going to attempt to have some sort of relationship with him, I knew that I needed to take my time and do it correctly.

It took a lot of self control to look up at him and respond. But he needed to be told the truth. "I don't want to say goodbye either… but…. I need to."

His eyes showed his confusion, but like the wonderful person that he was, he didn't push me any further. He leaned down and gave me a soft kiss on my forehead before letting go of my hand and walking to his bedroom.

Before he closed the door completely he leaned out of it slightly. "I'm not giving up," he whispered.

A tear ran down my cheek as I walked towards my room. I had never had anyone ever say that to me. I was always the failure that no one thought twice about dropping. I was the easy fuck that you kicked to the curb two blocks away from her house because you didn't have time to take me the full way home. I was the four in the morning booty call that had no problem sneaking into your home after your girlfriend left all pissed off after some ridiculous fight. I wasn't meant to be loved. I was meant to be used.

I walked into my room and grabbed my notebook out of my book bag. As I sat down at the desk, I started to think about the idea of changing my life. I wanted to be worth his fight. I didn't want to have him regret caring for me. And though, I doubted any attempt would work, it was the very least I could do. I could try.

It took me a minute before I scribbled the words on to the top of my page, _12 Steps to Fixing Bella's Fucked-Up Life._ I needed to think of this like foreplay, and though I never really enjoyed foreplay I needed to embrace it. I thought back to all of the low budget pornos I had watched with various men and all the absurd shit they would do before finally sealing the deal. I remembered wondering why the fuck they would take their time and not just fuck each other and get it over with. But now, I knew. You needed to take your time and do it right.

I knew what my first step was, I knew it when I was sitting in Edward's car driving home. And though the concept was hard for me to accept, I knew that I needed to embrace this new found idea. _Step 1: Not every kiss has to end with fucking._

As I closed my notebook, I felt good about my decision. I didn't really believe that it would work, but I felt good that I was trying. I too wasn't ready to give up.

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_Thank you so much for reading! Feedback is better than Bella & Edward's dancing tongues!!_

_Also, don't forget to check out the Sandwich Dreams thread, at Twilighted, for teasers to the upcoming chapter and teasers for 900 Ways to Make Money:_

http://www (dot) twilighted (dot) ?f=44&t=4591&start=0

Next chapter will be posted: Wednesday, Sept. 9th!


	9. Chapter 9

There are a few others I wanted to thank:

**The Comma Queen (Pamela0201**)- She by far is the most amazing bitch, ever. I wuv her! I've said this a million times but honestly, her name should be listed right next to mine because she is practically a co-writer.

KeepersoftheNaughtySparkle – These 3 amazing bitches write the epic fic, Reunion. I want to thank them not only for being great friends but for also slipping me into their story. Yup, that fucking hot Flight Attendant was ME!

Ssherrill115- She has a great blog where she rec's different Twilight FanFic stories, including Sandwich Dreams. Go check it out, you won't be disappointed:

http://www (dot) southernfanfictionreview (dot) com

**I Love 80's Music NaughtyHeels Anonymous One Shot Contest**

I'm co-hosting an amazing contest with my kick ass friends KeepersoftheNaughtySparkle (pkitten21, SnozzberryFaery, & TFX).

Entries are due Sept. 30th, find all of the details here: http://www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/2060377/naughtyheelsanonymouscontest

There is a very hot, lip puckering lemon example posted for you to check out. "_As if I could resister her…"_ (based off of The Vapors classic, _Turning Japanese_) is written by the talented pkitten21– so go check it out!

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own Bella's fucked up personality, and all of the psychologist bills that come along with it.

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I should have had a wonderful night full of crazy sex dreams involving Edward and myself, and maybe even a little Megan Fox action. But instead, my night was repeatedly disrupted by my cell phone buzzing every five motherfucking minutes. Every time I started to go back to sleep, it would buzz again. I tried to throw it against the wall, in an attempt to break the piece of shit, but it didn't work. Instead the buzzing just got louder like a possessed sex toy. The main problem was, it wasn't fucking me… well not literally.

After a few hours of uninvited sleep interruption, I decided to drag my lazy ass out of bed and see what the fuck all the fuss was about. I swore to myself that if it wasn't The Publishers Clearing House letting me know I had won a whole lot of fucking money or the police finding some random family member floating in the Pacific Ocean, then I was going to have to cut a bitch.

It took my eyes a minute to adjust to the bright light coming from the screen. When they finally did I was able to recognize that a flaming fucking gay asshole had been sending me harassing texts all night and not the PCH Prize Patrol. So instead of receiving a million dollar check I was rewarded with a bunch of fucked up messages such as "Are you enjoying his cock right now?", "I know he wants to fuck you, so just bend over and give that hot fucking man a piece", and my favorite "Can you please send me a picture of his dick? I need to get Seth's miniature dick out of my head, and far away from my ass."

Before crawling back into my bed and trying to get a few hours sleep, I scribbled down a reminder to change my phone number and never give the new one out to that fucking prick, also known as Jake. I didn't care how adorable and funny he was at times, if you fuck with my sleep you get pushed out of the inner circle. I think it was actually a commandment, 'Thou shalt not fuck with other people's sleep'. Motherfucker should have read the bible.

A few hours later I was awakened by not a vibrating cell phone this time, but an irresistible smell. Looking at my clock I realized that I got at least a few hours of sleep, so I decided to accept the fact that my beauty sleep would have to wait until I was dead, or at least fucked into a mild coma.

I slipped on a wife beater, not even bothering with a bra, and some sweatpants before making my way down the hallway and into the kitchen which was filled with the aroma of eggs. Yes, eggs. And not that nasty rotten egg smell that you have to endure when trying to get a glimpse of the top of a fucking volcano. The smell of eggs cooked with bell peppers, mushrooms, and onions. My mouth was watering like a broke-ass hooker walking the streets looking for her next patron.

"Good morning, Beautiful," I heard his velvet voice whisper. He didn't look at me, too busy using the skillet to flip the omelet. So I scanned the room to make sure he was really talking to me before I answered and made a fucking ass out of myself.

"What's up?" I tried to sound all nonchalant as I took a seat at the kitchen bar. Though, I really just wanted to jump on his fucking dick right then and rock his world. He looked so fucking banging, wearing a little red apron. I wanted to be the Big Bad Wolf, and take advantage of him.

"Are you hungry?" He turned towards me, grabbing a plate from the counter. "This is yours." He slid the omelet out of the skillet and placed the plate down in front of me.

I didn't know what to say to him, it was almost an awkward moment for me. I knew that he was just trying to be sweet but it was so hard to accept his kindness. I wasn't sure if I just didn't feel like I deserved it or maybe I would always question a person's authenticity. Either way, I tried my best to give him a genuine smile, hoping he wouldn't catch on to my ridiculous moment of weakness, which I've had one too many of lately.

"Coffee or orange juice," he asked while holding one of each in his hands. I wanted to rip through the walls, looking for some sort of fucking video camera. Maybe this was a new reality show. It could be called "Head Games" or "Testing the Tramp."

"Um, coffee… please." The least I could do was try to show that my momma raised me with some manners, just in case the whole fucking world was watching. I would hate to have her rolling over in her grave because I was acting all trailer on national television.

"Do you like sugar or anything in it?" he asked, setting the mug down in front of me.

"No thanks," yup, still remembering the fucking manners, "I enjoy having black things in my mouth, coffee being one of those things." I couldn't continue to keep the good girl talk up for too long, I suffered from Swears Leakage of the Mouth. It was a pretty fucking serious disease; the side effects were similar to the anal leakage of those who take the Alli diet pills or eat food with Olestra experience, except with this condition swear words randomly ooze out of the person's mouth without notice.

He leaned over the counter, trying to get closer to me. I could see the smirk on his face, and I knew that behind the good boy act he had a naughty little Eddie side too. "It may not be black, but I promise you… You will be begging for more."

We ate in silence, as Emmett joined us a few minutes after Edwards's declaration of having an amazingly talented cock. Emmett stuck around long enough to eat a majority of the food, make a complete mess, and then explain that he was in too big of a hurry to clean up after himself. I would have personally left the dishes there forever, buying new ones if needed, but Edward scrubbed them and cleaned up the whole kitchen. I sat on the barstool, staring in some type of mystical trance wanting to at least stand up and help him dry, but he was too fucking beautiful. So instead I sat there entranced by something I didn't even know for sure I wanted.

I watched his soft hands slide into the sink full of bubbles, as he pulled out a plate his fingers would curl over the edge and separate in a way that confirmed my dreams of him being double jointed. My eyes were fixated on him as he grabbed the sponge and squeezed it gently. Watching the water slowly escape, made my legs spontaneously rub together. I wanted to feel his long piano fingers slide deep inside me. I wanted to feel him squeeze me until I started to leak fluid. I wanted to be finger fucked by him.

"Go change," his voice broke my concentration of his flexible fingers.

I looked up at him, wondering why the fuck he felt the need to tell me to get dressed. I had a long week at school, and the last thing I wanted to do was put a bra back on and pretend that I was an actual productive citizen. I enjoyed looking like shit on my weekends. And if he had a problem with my smell, then he could fuck my smelly armpits.

He clearly noticed my frustration with his need to critique my outfit. "I was thinking that you and I could maybe hang out, if that's alright with you?" He looked down at the countertop more than me when talking and I could feel the nervousness rolling off his tongue when he spoke. We both knew that this "hanging out" moment could mean something completely different, and I didn't know if either one of us was ready for that. But, like my mom use to say to me "_You will never be ready for life, so just sit back and stop over thinking everything."_

"Anything specific I should wear?" I asked, getting up and walking towards my bedroom.

As I made it to the door, I could hear him yell, "YES! A FUCKING BRA!" I made sure that my response of laughter was loud enough for him to hear.

I ripped apart my whole wardrobe looking for the "perfect" outfit, until I finally settled on something a little sweet with a conservative top but mixed in some short shorts, making sure to remind him how sexy my legs were. I went into the bathroom and did the smell check, failing all areas. To try and resolve the issue I brushed my teeth, wiped my body down with a washcloth, layered some deodorant over an old layer, covered my body with some of that Victoria Secret's body spray, and rubbed some lotion over my legs. I was a walking hot fucking mess. I needed a shower more than RPatz, which was saying a lot.

By the time I made it out of my room, Edward was already waiting patiently for me on the sofa in the living room. He looked fucking edible in his board shorts and plain white tee.

"What's up with the trunks?" I asked, pointing to his shorts.

"Oh, I should have been clearer. I thought we could go to the beach."

"I asked you if I needed to wear something specific and you said that I just needed a bra." I was trying to hide that I was annoyed. Not only did I rip my room apart and tried to "freshen" up, but the thought of now squeezing into a bikini when I haven't been waxed in a couple of weeks was not sounding like fun.

"Sorry, it's pretty obvious by now that I change my mind… often," he winked, "I just thought the beach would be fun and… casual."

I made loud stomping noises like a two year old as I made my way back to my room, shaking my ass at him before walking in. I was irritated but the thought of him in just shorts, no top, and oil all over his fucking body was so nice. I couldn't stay mad for long.

Under my huge pile of shit, I found a bikini and threw it on. I rushed into the bathroom and as I picked up the razor to clean up the fucking hairy grass that was starting to grow back on my field, I realized that it would probably just leave red bumps which would look horrible. I thought about tweezers but fuck, picking each pube one by one sounded like some type of torture. I dug through my shit and finally found some Nair for facial hair. I had used it on my upper lip in the past which most bitches with dark hair have to do, especially if they didn't want handle bars growing on their face.

I squirted the smelly shit all over my bikini area and waited patiently until the time was up. Wiping it off, I was so fucking proud that I came up with the idea. I looked perfect. Completely smooth, like a baby's butt. I pulled back on my bikini bottoms, threw on a cover-up dress, and grabbed my beach bag. I was ready to knock him dead, or at least make him really fucking hard when he saw how adorable I looked in my suit.

Mr. Impatient was tapping his foot and standing by the front door, trying to make a point that I took too long. But, I'm sure if I would have explained to him that only a few minutes earlier it looked like someone had found Big Foot and glued him to my crotch, he would have been fine with the delay.

We drove in his car to the beach. Shocker since I had a feeling he envisioned my car to be like a Pinto or a god damn Pacer. Maybe he assumed I just took the fucking bus to school everyday or offered blow jobs in exchange for taxi services from local businessmen. Either way, we always ended up in his car. His foreign piece of shit car that screamed "I have a small dick, receding hairline, and I'm in the middle of a mid-life crisis." I crossed my fingers and hoped that the stereotype was wrong. I also prayed that no one from school would see me cruising in the Eurotrash.

When we arrived at the beach, he pulled out a small cooler from the trunk and a couple of towels. I followed him through the sand, complaining the whole way about how much I hated sand all over my shit, until we finally made it to a spot he considered to be "perfect". It looked exactly like the spot we passed ten minutes earlier, but I kept my mouth shut and faked a smile. He shook out the towels and laid them out next to each other and took a seat. I followed suit, hoping not to look incredibly awkward by our moment together.

I could feel the sweat drip down the crease of my back, as I begun to realize that we were possibly on a date. Yes, a fucking date. And though, I enjoyed using many four letter words… date was not one of them. My eyes darted around, looking for the quickest way to get the fuck out of there when Mr. Panty Dropper decided to take off his shirt and rub tanning oil all over his god sent body. My breathing started to speed up as all of the nasty shit I wanted to do to him played in my head, like some cheap budget porno. I wanted to push him on all fours, spank his ass, and make him call me "Ma'am".

With all of the adrenaline pumping through my veins, I decided to slowly take off my bathing suit cover. I wanted it to look like some stripper show so I tried to imagine it raining dollar bills as I gradually pulled the dress over my head. I paid close attention to the placement of my elbows, making sure they squeezed my perfect breasts together allowing Edward to see for himself just how perfect they would fit inside his mouth. As I pulled it completely off, I shook my head allowing my long brown hair to sway back and forth like Pamela Anderson during some lame Baywatch scene.

When I finally made eye contact with him, his expression was filled with much more shock than I had expected. I was assuming that on top of shock he would have had at least a little bit of lust, but instead it looked more like he was frightened by what he saw. I felt like such a douchebag for even thinking that he would be into me. I knew that the bikini I had picked out was probably one size too small and that with all the shit I ate on a daily basis I should have been buying tankinis instead of dental floss attached to some small fucking Band-Aids. But, I was still hoping that he would have shown at least a little bit of interest.

I didn't want to cry. I didn't want him to think that I gave a rat's ass if he was attracted to me or not so I sat down and grabbed the tanning oil that was next to him. His mouth gaped open as I picked it up and pointed it at my stomach.

"Um, do you think that's a good idea?" His voice sounded uncertain, as if he was nervous about the conversation.

"What the fuck are you talking about? Even white girls with pasty fucking skin can use this shit. Don't worry, I don't always burn." Fuck him for talking shit about my fair complexion, as if he was one to talk. It wasn't like he was born with his brother's olive skin. Jerk.

"No… umm, do you think that maybe the oil might be a bad idea? You know… like cause an infection?" He was talking to the towel underneath him, unable to look at me, as he spit out the most confusing shit I had ever heard. He was clearly high, like higher than the motherfucking kites that were flying above my head. He was on some good shit.

"Seriously, if you're going to party, it's only fair that you share. You know. The whole puff, puff, give. Didn't they teach you that shit in like what… preschool?"

"Bella, I'm not fucking with you… ..that?" I could see that he was pointing but I was way too fucking scared to see where his finger led to. I froze, hoping that if there was a crab or a fucking walking shark coming to join me on the sand, that I wouldn't piss it off by making any fast movements.

His finger stayed pointed at me, mouth wide open in horror. I slowly tilted my head down to the direction of where he was pointing and within seconds I was brought up to speed with what was causing all of the commotion. I didn't know if I should scream with disgust, cry in embarrassment, or laugh in fear. So, I froze… staring at my crotch.

My skin was completely fucking tomato red, not like a sunburn but more like Carrot Top was muff diving between my legs. Then I noticed the large bumps that were starting to appear. I leaned further down, trying to get a closer look and it dawned on me that those bumps were fucking blisters. I gently grabbed the top of my bathing suit bottom and pulled it away from my skin, checking out the full extent of damage. Everything was bright red, blistering, and swollen. My fucking vagina lips resembled Lisa Rinna's face which was not a fucking good thing… ever!

"I… think, I think… maybe we should go to the doctor's." I couldn't look up at him. I was so fucking mortified that I had made a complete ass out of myself and on my first… hanging out day together.

"If you want, I can call my dad. He's a doctor at the local hospital, I'm sure he could take a look. He's not a Gynecologist but if it's some sort of disease that they see in the ER, then he will know what to do for it." Disease? Gyno? Holy fuck! Holy motherfuck!

"NO!" I looked up at him, "It's not like that." I wanted to try to explain what the fuck I had done with the whole Nair and shit, but then I would have had to tell him about the hairy beaver I was smuggling between my legs earlier, and that I was too lazy to visit some cheap beauty salon to get it fixed.

"It's okay, you don't have to explain. Obviously we've both been with other people before, it's nothing to be ashamed of." Fuck my life. I honestly had no words. For once in my life, nothing would come out of my mouth.

I stood up and threw my dress back on, hoping I wouldn't scare the whole fucking beach away. As I hiked the several miles back to the car I tried to hold my head up high. It was worse than any walk of shame I had ever done. Walking behind me was this incredibly hot guy who was probably trying to figure out which STD I had and how quickly he could get our shared bathroom disinfected. He would most likely never come near me, let alone ask me to hang out with him again. I was so incredibly fucked, except this time… I wasn't literally fucked, which made it hurt even more.

I kept my head facing out the window as we drove to the hospital. I overheard Edward call his dad and explain to him that I had a "situation" and that he needed it checked out. Baby Jesus was thankfully looking down on me because his dad was about to go into surgery and referred me to another doctor.

When we pulled up, Edward ran over and opened my door. He helped me out and immediately tried to convince me to ride in a fucking wheelchair, mumbling something about how walking would probably just irritate the area even more. I ignored his request and kept walking, praying that he would trip on the pavement or a piano would fall from the sky; anything to get him the fuck away from me so that I could deal with the horrifying situation alone.

Surprisingly, I didn't have to wait ten hours or fill out any of the stacks of paperwork they usually required of you. When we walked in Edward waved at the receptionist as he pushed through the door and led me to a room in the back. He told me to put on a gown while he got Dr. Walters. A few minutes later he returned with an older guy, probably in his late 70s or at least old enough to require a blue pill to jack off. Edward asked if I wanted him to leave the room, but at that point I didn't think the situation could get any worse so I just thought we might as well make a fucking party out of it and shook my head no.

I explained, to both of them, how I used the hair removal on my pubic scruff even though it was meant to be used on a face and I had never tried it there before. The doctor told me that I was experiencing an allergic reaction and gave me some Benadryl to help with the swelling and discomfort. He then prescribed a few creams to put on my crotch three times a day until it completely healed. Before leaving he gave me a phone number to call if it got any worse, like it wasn't bad enough. He shook my hand and told me how nice it was to meet me and he gave Edward a nice hug before leaving.

We didn't talk much as we drove to the pharmacy, picked up the medicine and drove home. I think both of us were over our "day out" and just wanted to go home and pretend it never happened. I knew that I probably scarred his brain forever, and that he would always see blisters if he ever decided to get near my vagina one day. Which, I was pretty sure would be some type of deal breaker.

When we got into the house I thanked him for all of his help and practically ran into my bedroom. I wanted to stop and grab a bottle of fucking vodka from the cabinets on my way past the kitchen, but I thought it would be best to wait until he fell asleep before getting sloppy drunk and making an ass out of myself.

I closed my bedroom door, pulled off all my clothes and threw on a Washington Redskins tank-top and some oversized extremely comfortable boxers that I had stolen years ago from some random guy. I flopped down on my bed and before I could even try to hold back, I started to sob like a fucking bitch. I wanted so badly to delete the whole day and start all over again. I tried to pray it away, but nothing was working. My life was a fucking train wreck.

With the covers pulled over my head, I lay there on my side pulling the pillow into my stomach making sure to keep it above my fucked up rash. I broke down, allowing myself to give into my emotions even if only for a few minutes. My shoulders shook with each tear, until there were no longer breaks in between each one. I didn't know anymore if I was crying over my day with Edward or my life in general, but either way I was ready to close my eyes and never wake up.

I heard him knock gently on my bedroom door before slowly opening it, causing the door to squeak the whole time he pushed it. I kept my head buried underneath the blanket and hoped that if I couldn't see him then he couldn't see me. I used to believe that was true when I was a little girl playing hide and go seek. I would stand in the middle of the field and just close my eyes. It never worked for me then, but I was hoping that god would be a little bit more kind to me this time around and at least allow me to become somewhat invisible for a moment.

He slid onto the bed next to me; his weight rolled me over slightly, causing my hand to touch his body through all of the blankets. I tried to wipe my face and hide the mess that I had made, but I couldn't control my emotions. I was still sobbing, my wall was crumbling and instead of trying to fight the battle of keeping it together I was holding a sledgehammer and beating the shit out of it.

His hand rubbed over my back, comforting me in a way that I wasn't used to, and for a brief moment I actually started to forget about everything but the caressing movements of his hand. Each part of my back tingled in anticipation as he gradually worked his way in a counter clockwise circle, switching sometimes from using his full hand to dragging his fingertips. I enjoyed feeling him touch me, even through all of the layers between the two of us, allowing him to get close to me in a different type of way.

I could feel myself calming down, exhausted by my meltdown. He never left me, but instead kept moving closer to me, reassuring me that he wasn't planning on leaving. I wanted to show him that I appreciated him being there for me, but thanking someone was not something I was ever good at. I wanted to open myself up to him, or at least attempt to.

My heart started pounding as I rolled over. I was waiting for him to deny me, to push me away from him. I pulled the blanket down, keeping my eyes focused downwards, hiding from any type of eye contact. I was ashamed at allowing him to witness my weakness, but I wasn't ready to have him leave either. I slid my arm underneath his body and wrapped my other arm over his waist, pulling myself closer to him as I snuggled my head into his chest and curled my legs into the fetal position, sandwiching them in between both of our bodies.

My head lifted and fell with every breath that he took. I could hear the beating of his heart as I squeezed him even closer, and in return he wrapped his arms around me. His thumbs ran lines up and down my back as he left sweet kisses on top of my head. We were cuddling, my worse fucking nightmare. However, no matter how much I had despised this type of affection for all of my life, in that moment I started to understand that I needed it. I craved it. He was healing some fucked up part of me, just by holding me. He wasn't leaving, he wasn't giving up.

I was torn in two, a huge part of me wanted to tell him everything. I wanted to open up to him and share all of my fucked up shitty decisions I had made in my past. I wanted to try to be something I wasn't for him. And that's where the other part of me came into the picture. I wasn't that person. As comfortable as I was in his arms, it wasn't me. I wasn't that warm and fuzzy person he probably wanted to share his bed with. I snored and talked in my sleep, and I knew that I would most likely hog the blankets and maybe even try pushing him out of the bed during some wild dream.

I wasn't the person that a guy dreamt about, I wasn't that "perfect" girl. I was a whore, a heartless whore. I knew that at the end of the day, I was a disaster who wasn't worth saving. So, as I held him tight I started to feel more tears fill up in my eyes. I knew that it was only a matter of time until I would push him away. I would cause some stupid fucking fight, and it would turn into a snowball effect where every little thing would turn into an argument until we both finally gave up. Because, in the end, no matter how perfect it felt to be in his arms, I was hopeless.

We laid there for what seemed like an eternity until finally his words broke our silence, waking me up from my daze.

"Bella, can I ask you a question?" His hands didn't ease up with their hold on me, which was somewhat comforting.

"Sure."

"Do you mind if I explain something to you?" Fuck. Fuck me. Maybe I was completely wrong, maybe he would be the one to ruin whatever the hell we were starting. Maybe he had the same tendency to start random fights. My mom used to reprimand me as a child for always fighting with my friends. She believed I was testing them. She thought that I would see if they would stay, and if they didn't then I would rationalize it as it was better to lose them sooner rather than later. Looking back, I knew my mom was right and now I lay there wondering if Edward had the same fucking habit.

"Whatever," I mumbled. What did he want me to say? Was it really possible to tell him, "_No, I don't give a fuck about whatever it is you have to explain."_

"It's just, I feel obligated to explain to you some of my past behaviors." Holy shit! Was he going to explain to me about that redheaded fire crotch and the box full of shit? Oh, and who could forget the fucking ring? Fuck, I had to act surprised. Shit. Maybe he knew that I found his box, fuck… that would not be good.

"I should probably explain why when we first met I was flirting with you, and then the next day I was sooo…" he paused for a moment trying to come up with the perfect way to explain his behavior, but he was coming up short.

"So bipolar… fucked up… an asshole… a dick…" I couldn't resist helping him out with some great adjectives.

"Umm, yeah… I was thinking more like… confused." He broke his thought to kiss the top of my head, "I was confused and I didn't know what to do besides push you away." HA! Maybe we did have some things in common.

He released the hold he had on me and pushed some distance between the two of us. He moved his hands to my face as he softly lifted my head so that we were looking straight into each other's eyes. I had forgotten how gorgeous his emerald green eyes were, even in the darkness of my room I could still see the beauty that was held within them. He was so fucking magnificent and I swore that one day I would owe god a lot of sexual favors for creating him.

"Bella, I didn't know what to do. I met you and right away I felt a huge attraction, more so than I had ever felt with any other person. You are so beautiful and funny and… well, you're amazing." I should have wanted to laugh at the cheesy fucking lines he was trying to feed me, but instead I swallowed that shit up, begging for more.

"I really wanted to be near you that first night," he continued, "I didn't care about showing you much respect, which I regret not. I just wasn't thinking clearly. And then the next day, when it dawned on me that you were going to be my roommate… I was… scared." I wanted to hush him with lips, his honesty was almost too hard to hear. I didn't want to think of him as ever being scared. I wanted to assume that he was never affected by fear. Especially fear that I brought on.

"I tried to push you away. I tried to tell you that you weren't my type," He let out a little chuckle, "Which is the furthest thing from the truth. You're the most attractive person I've ever set eyes on. The mere thought of a guy not being attracted to you is humorous. And what's maybe even more laughable is that you… I don't even think you realize how stunning you are."

"You should see me in the morning, my hair is a white girl's version of Don King. And my breath, well, we don't even need to go there." I tried to change the subject with humor, but he wasn't going for it.

"Yes, and well your humor… it's addictive." He smiled down at me, "Over the weeks, I tried so hard to keep this at strictly a platonic relationship but… I couldn't do it anymore."

He leaned his head closer to mine, as his thumbs gently massaged my cheek bones. "I was worried at first about starting something up with you and jumping from nothing to an instant serious relationship overnight, especially with us being under the same roof… sharing the same bathroom. And now, I'm worried that we can't move fast enough."

I tried to push him back some. I didn't really know what the fuck he meant by not fast enough, but he apparently didn't understand that for me… I was going SO fucking fast. What the fuck did he mean? If he thought he was going to get me in some ridiculous big poufy over the top white gown with some lame Cinderella crown on my head, then he was fucking nuts. Bella didn't play that.

"No… sorry, no. I didn't mean it like that. I mean, it's… I meant that my fear of being with you went away, and in replace of it was the fear of not being with you."

We just lay there, looking into each other's eyes. I wanted so badly to share with him the same type of thoughts. I wanted to explain to him the odd feeling that was swimming through my veins, and how it goes away when he leaves and comes back immediately when I see him again. There were just so many fucking issues I had to work through and so much self hate I had to try to understand.

I didn't feel the tears fall until Edward leaned in and kissed one. My heart broke, as his honesty and affection shined through with such an innocent action. As more fell he followed their path from my cheek up to my eyes, kissing each one lightly.

"Don't be scared." He whispered before I felt his soft lips brush over the top of my cheek. I could feel the depth of the intimacy, and I tried very hard to restrain the urge to attack him, devour every inch of him. His lips slowly skimmed over the top of mine, allowing the anticipation to build.

When our lips finally met, they engaged in a slow lip lock as we took our time exploring every crease. My tongue outlined his lips, discovering the incredible smoothness of his heart shaped mouth. The intensity and passion slowly grew as his hands gradually made their way down my face, stopping at my neck. I parted my lips, allowing him to enter. His tongue caressed mine as he twirled it leisurely around in its new home. Before long I couldn't control myself as I closed down on his tongue and sucked it in, pulling it deeper into my mouth. I released it, gliding my lips along it as I made my way to the tip. As I pushed back down, taking his tongue deeper into my mouth again, I swore I heard him moan as his body moved closer to mine.

Edward broke our kiss as he moved his lips to my chin, then my neck, paying extra attention to my collar bone. He slid his hands under my arms and pulled me up higher as he trailed his lips down my chest. My hands tugged at his shirt, until he finally helped me pull it over his head, dropping it on the floor. My fingertips traced the outline of his muscles and I could feel his hands cup the sides of my breasts as his tongue glided over the top of my bra. I couldn't take it much longer as my fingertips grazed his hard nipples.

I let out a soft whimper as he lifted off my top. Before I knew what had happened, he rolled me over so that he was on top of me. His legs were between mine as he leaned over and started to push my bra straps down.

"FUCK!" I screamed in pain. His body was pushed up against my blisters, and though I wanted to pretend that it didn't hurt, I couldn't. It hurt so fucking bad.

My breasts were exposed as he started to lick around my nipple, apparently viewing my scream as one of pleasure. I tried to suck up the pain that was now screaming at me. The more his body moved, the more I could feel my blisters getting close to popping. I needed to get him the fuck off me ASAP.

"Get off," I said while trying to push him away from me. When he looked at me, he was so sad. He was so easy to read, anyone could have picked up on his feelings of rejection.

"My blisters," I tried to explain. It took only a few seconds before he realized that he was lying on top of.

He jumped up and tried to apologize, "I'm so sorry… I'm so fucking sorry."

"It's okay… it… it really fucking hurts." The stinging from my crotch was almost unbearable and I was so fucking pissed that my rash had literally cock blocked me.

"Holy crap… I'm so sorry. What can I do?" He jumped out of bed and started to nearly pace back and forth, clearly freaking the fuck out.

"Can you please get me an ice pack?" Yup, did you hear that? I used some fucking manners, again. Even though the words "please" and "thank you" never rolled off my tongue very easily, I tried on occasion to fake like they did.

He practically ran out of the room, without much of a concern for running into Emmett in the hallway and having to explain why he had just left my room without a shirt on. While he was gone, I quickly got up and tried to put some more of the cream on my swollen vajaja. I hoped that it would at least help the swelling some, before I started to look like Dolly Parton. Which maybe some men wouldn't mind, but I'm pretty sure that they wouldn't be so fond with her boobs hanging down from my crotch. No motherfucking Bueno.

I slipped off my bra and put back on my tank top and the baggy boxers, hoping to hide my inflated lips from Edward, embarrassed by the whole fucking situation. When he finally came back in he was holding four different bags of frozen vegetables.

"So, we don't have any ice packs but we do have some frozen peas, mixed vegetables, pineapples, and diced onions." He held out the bags, displaying them in front of me. I couldn't help but break out into a fit of laughter. He was freaking out.

"Umm… yeah, I think the peas will work." I grabbed the bag out of his hand and lay back down on my bed. I was just about to say goodnight to him when he slid in, pushing me over slightly with his warm body. I froze like the fucking peas that were stuck to my blistered hoo-hah.

Our faces were only a few inches away when he shot me that amazing fucking grin, leaned in and gave me a small sweet kiss. I wanted to rape him right then and there, but my stinging body was screaming not tonight. As he pulled his lips away I returned his grin with my own cheesy version.

"Goodnight Bella," he whispered.

"Goodnight," I replied, rolling over onto my side.

He slid in behind me and placed his hands over the bag of fucking cold ass peas, helping to make sure they stayed in place. We snuggled. Yes, we fucking snuggled. Instead of forking me, we spooned. It was my first experience using this utensil in a bed before, and I have to admit… I enjoyed it.

Right before I fell into my nighttime coma, I felt his lips kiss the back of my neck right where my other tattoo hid from the world. Most people in my life never realized I had one there as it was always hidden underneath my long brown locks; it was sort of my own little secret. He found my secret. The warmth of his lips sent a shiver down my whole body and actually warmed up my frozen crotch momentarily.

"No, you're not," he breathed into my ear, replying to the statement that I had permanently inked onto my body so many years ago.

I could have died right then and there and been left one very happy little girl. It was everything I never knew I wanted; feeling him next to me with his tenderness, his security, and his fucking hot body. I didn't sleep too well, with the blisters and the white trash ice pack but I didn't really mind because every time I tried to adjust my position I would feel him and I was reminded that he had stayed. His hands would squeeze mine, and as fucking dumb as it sounded I could feel a bond forming between us.

It wasn't much longer after the sun came up that a loud fucking banging started to come from my bedroom door. I almost dropped to my knees and raised my hands above my head, assuming we were getting busted for some type of illegal activity. It wouldn't be the first time I was caught in the middle of a drug sting. But, I really had tried to find better friends since then, yet, I guess you never really know for sure the company you're with until the Feds are breaking down the front door.

"BELLA!" I heard some girl yell through the door.

"Crap, its Alice." Edward whispered as he let go of the hold he had on me and rolled onto his back.

"What the fuck is she doing here?" I asked, sitting up.

"BELLA! I can hear you talking. I know you're in there. Open up!" The fucking little midget was yelling as she kept pounding on the door.

"Who knows, Alice is… odd." He stood up and walked over to my closet, waving at me to open the door.

I got out of bed a cracked open the door, only to be pushed out of the way as the fucking little pixie made herself comfortable on my bed. I stared at her, hoping that the daggers I was shooting at her would actually kill her, but it wasn't working. I considered knocking her out with the side table lamp and carrying her body down to the dumpster in the rug, but I didn't know for sure if Edward would be very supportive of me taking out his sister. I'm sure his family might worry, or at least miss her elaborate presents I was almost certain she bought for everyone at Christmas.

"Who were you talking to?" She raised an eyebrow at me.

"My vibrator, I like to warn him of all the ways I plan on violating him before I get started. You know, kind of like foreplay." I heard a small noise come from my closet and I was worried that she heard it too and that we would get busted like school children fucking in the school bathroom.

"Whatever… get dressed, we need to go shopping," she announced, standing up.

"No thanks Alice, maybe another day. I kind of wanted to just chill out today. You know, watch TV or read a book."

"Nope, not going to work. You have an important lunch date tomorrow, and you need something very nice to wear. Or did you already forget?" Fuck me. I was meeting up with Esme or Stupid Rich Cunt Whore, whichever was more politically correct to call her.

"Oh… ok, give me a minute." I walked over to the door and opened it up, making it clear that I needed her to leave.

"Fine, but hurry up. I have a busy schedule today." I closed the door right after she left and locked it. The closet door opened immediately.

"What lunch date?" He stared at me like I was just caught with my hand in the cookie jar.

"I have a… business meeting." I made my way over to my clothes, cursing myself for not putting them into drawers yet. Instead, I had unpacked them into random fucking piles all over the place, I had honestly lost track of which items were clean and which were dirty. Leading myself to do the smell test before putting something on.

"Business meeting? You don't even work Bella." He wasn't very good at pretending not to be annoyed.

"Well, I do now." I smiled at him, throwing on a new tank top and hoping it was clean because I knew that he would freak if he saw me smell it.

"Fine, whatever. I won't be here when you come home today, because unlike your _pretend_ business meeting, I actually have one." He walked over to the side of the bed and started to put his clothes back on from last night.

I felt so fucking dumb for actually being sad to hear that he wasn't going to be home later. We had yet to even make it to second base and there I was acting like some whipped fucking bitch. I tried to hide my disappointment by shrugging my shoulders.

"I guess I'll see you tomorrow then." I replied while slipping my shorts on, making sure they didn't make contact with my rash.

"Actually, I'll be in Newport until Wednesday."

"Okay, Wednesday it is. I better go, I would hate to see your sister kick down the door." I couldn't stay near him any longer. The thought of not feeling him cuddled next to me any time soon was depressing.

"Wednesday," he mumbled, leaning down and placing a small kiss on the top of my head. "And, don't enjoy yourself too much on that _business_ lunch. I plan on continuing where we left off when I come back." I stood up on my tippy toes and placed a tender kiss on his cheek, hoping it would reassure him. It was all I could offer him at the minute.

As I walked out of the room, I made a mental note to add step two to my notebook later: _Waking up next to a man will not kill me, nor will it make my eyes bleed or my body shake in disgust_. My wall was slowly crumbling and although I was scared, there was some sort of satisfaction I felt with each step that pushed me to go further. Maybe it was maturity, loneliness, affection… either way, I was starting on my journey of transforming into a better human being; whatever the fuck that meant.

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_Thank you so much for reading! Feedback is better than Bella giving Edward's tongue head!_

_Also, don't forget to check out the Sandwich Dreams thread, at Twilighted, for teasers to the upcoming chapter and teasers for 900 Ways to Make Money:_

http://www (dot) twilighted (dot) ?f=44&t=4591&start=0

Next chapter will be posted: Wednesday, Sept. 23rd!


	10. Chapter 10

**I Love 80's Music NaughtyHeels Anonymous One Shot Contest**

I'm co-hosting an amazing contest with my kick ass friends KeepersoftheNaughtySparkle (pkitten21, SnozzberryFaery, & TFX).

Entries are due Sept. 30th, find all of the details here: http://www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/2060377/naughtyheelsanonymouscontest

**There are a few others I wanted to thank:**

The Comma Queen (Pamela0201)- Well, I don't know what to say besides: You rock, I wuv you, and thank you for allowing me to pop your cherry. Everyone should really realize that your more than a just a beta, you run the Emo Police! ;)

Pkitten21 (Katie) & NaughtySparkle (Trin)- Thank you so much for not only helping me with the chapter but for the positive encouragement.

**Disclaimer:**

Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own Bella's fucked up personality, and all of the psychologist bills that come along with it.

~*~

The demanding little munchkin was waiting for me by the front door with her arms folded and her foot annoyingly tapping on the floor. I was pretty sure she rolled her eyes when I approached her but I didn't give a fuck if she was pissed that I'd taken so long. She should have been happy that I didn't pull out a can of whoop-ass and show her what a real girl fight looked like.

I made sure not to say the first word, and I was pretty convinced she was playing the same game. I sat in the passenger seat of her car wondering where the fuck we were going, but too stubborn to ask. So I laid my head back and just tried to relax and enjoy reflecting on the moments I had shared with Edward. The feel of his arms wrapped around me, my own personal security blanket. I could still feel the warmth of his breath on my neck and the touch of his hands on my hips.

As we drove further away I felt an odd sensation overcome me. It took a few minutes to clearly understand what was going on, and a few more to accept it. I knew that I missed him. Though there was no reason to miss him, I had just left him. Not to mention we weren't even anything much more than roommates, except we had this unspoken relationship that was unlike most. I couldn't explain it, not that I wanted to, but I'd felt a bond between the two of us. It was as if something was pulling me closer to him, forcing me to push past all the barriers that had taken me so many years to build. He felt so incredibly right.

When we pulled into the parking structure for the mall I snapped out of my daydream and tried to focus on the purpose of the trip. I needed to find my own personal power suit that would not only put me in the right frame of mind to meet with Mrs. Rich Bitch, but I wanted to walk in there and show her that I too had class. I didn't care if I had to spend every fucking penny in my savings account wiping out everything that was left from the sell of my childhood home. I wanted to look so fucking good that I would have to pick her chin off of the maid-cleaned floor of her snobby country club or wherever the fuck I was going to meet her.

"Ready?" Alice asked, while grabbing her purse from the pathetic excuse for a backseat.

I nodded to her while trying to slither out of the bumble bee vomit sports car which was about the same size as one of my vibrators. I looked down at my torn up converse and my ripped up jeans wondering if I did spend all the money in the world would it really make me worth more. Maybe her trailer trash assumption was based on actual truth. As I started to head towards the sliding glass doors and enter into the overpriced shithole, I realized that I didn't give a fuck what the truth was. I lifted my head higher and started to quickly shove my bricks back into place because no matter what I was Bella Motherfucking Swan. No one fucked with me.

No matter how much the annoying adolescent boy with tits bugged me, something about Alice was endearing. It was hard to hate her, or at least hate her for long. Underneath her pushy and extremely needy personality, she was adorable. But I would never have told her that, especially since if her head got any larger I think it would have floated off like a hot air balloon.

"Alright, so I think we should first take a peak in Bloomies and then maybe swing by Tory Burch or even Saks. We'll see how much time we have left." She wasn't asking me a question, it was more of a statement as she pushed her way through the crowds of people.

"What exactly is it I should wear to this lunch?" I tried to ask, chasing after her while secretly praying we would be separated and I could enjoy the afternoon eating a pretzel from Aunt Anne's and day dream about tangling my legs together with Edward.

"You need something young and hip, yet it also has to be classy and sophisticated. You should knock everyone dead without looking like you charge by the hour," she looked back at me, giving me an evil glare.

"I charge by the minute honey, no one can last an hour with me." My response got a goofy grin out of Alice, as she slowed down from her fast pace and linked arms with me.

"Bella, we really will become close friends. I can just feel it." The odd little psychic didn't even try to pretend that the shit she said was weird. I wanted to tell her to stop watching television fuzz all day long, because she was obviously going mental. Then the other part of me, the larger and more perverted side of me started to smirk at the whole _"close friends"_ remark. I wouldn't have minded being up close and personal with her flawless tits. I could tell through her thin cotton tank top that they would fit completely into my mouth and feel perfect cupped in my hands.

I felt like I was in some type of game show as we entered the stores. She just started throwing random shit into my arms like she was in a race against some clock or another team. She was a woman on a fucking mission, a real life weapon of mass destruction. Leaving unwanted clothes on the ground like innocent crossfire victims. I was holding a pile of designer vomit, and all I wanted to do was throw it on the ground and run back home hoping to get a few more minutes with Edward before he left for his business trip.

"Hurry up Bella, try on all of those and then we can narrow it down to our top twenty."

"You better be fucking with me, I won't be narrowing anything down. If it meets the dress code requirements and it fits me then we buy it and get the fuck out of dodge."

"Seriously, how do you ever expect to meet a guy when you talk like you drive a fifth wheel?" The snobby little bitch retorted back to me obviously unaware that men typically enjoyed my dirty mouth. Whenever words like "cock" or "fuck" rolled off my tongue their dicks would stiffen between their legs and they would beg for me to say more naughty things to them. Men were perverts; they wanted girls who didn't give a fuck. Men would cheat on their girlfriends and their wives, wanting to be with a girl who would let her hair down and fuck their brains out. Unfazed by what the neighbors might think. I was so many people's dirty little secret.

"First of all, I never told you that I wanted a guy… you know, sometimes a girl just needs a little pussy in her life." I winked over at her, hoping to cause a little embarrassment. But to my surprise, she just smiled back. "And second," I continued, "who said that I didn't already have someone in my life?"

"What? Back up, you have someone in your life?"

"Yes, is that so fucking hard to believe? What the hell, do I have loser stamped on my god damn forehead?" I'd never been with someone long enough to actually tell someone about him or her. I've never been in a relationship or at least a sexually frustrating, emotionally connected, roommate situation. I knew that I couldn't tell her much, but I was so fucking giddy that a part of me wanted to just sit back and gossip with her as if we were old friends. I had never sat down and shared anything with my friends because there wasn't anything to share. I went to their house, fucked them, and went home. The story typically went the same with each asshole I got naked with. Not to mention, at times, the person I was fucking was a friend's boyfriend which probably would have been a little bit of a mood killer.

"No, it's not that. It's just… I didn't realize you had already met someone. So… does he go to school with you?" She grabbed the huge pile of clothes from my arms and swiftly hung all of them on the racks in the dressing room we'd just entered. She sat down on the loveseat in the corner of the private room. I'd expected her to step outside and give me some privacy, but she obviously had other ideas.

"Nope, he doesn't go to school with me." I picked up the first outfit, a black Jackie-O inspired dress with a detailed draped neck and cap sleeves. I held it up against my body trying to picture myself wearing something so conservative, sophisticated… so fucking boring. I didn't even need to try it on, I hung it back up while digging through the rest of the racks full of shit.

"Oh, so… where did you meet him?" Her eyes never looked away from me, and though I wasn't facing her directly I could feel her eyes burning a hole in my back.

"The local homeless shelter, he was prime picking. He hadn't had food in days, was in desperate need of a shower, and didn't give a fuck what was coming out of my mouth. I think it was maybe his eyes that attracted me to him, or shall I say his eye? That God damn Gulf War, I didn't even realize people were still being injured in Iraq. I mean, I watch the news every night but to be honest I think I forgot we even had troops over there anymore. By the way, what is your opinion on the whole war thing?"

"Please, I made up the distraction game. You will never beat me at something I've perfected. So, if you didn't meet him, which by the way you slipped and said that _he_ didn't go to your school, at college then where have you been hanging around in this lame city that you would find anyone even remotely interesting enough to spend more than one evening with?" I could see her twitching in the chair as she spoke, I knew that she was using all of her strength not to come over, throw me on the ground, and force me to try on every single one of the outfits she had picked for me. But, she was obviously smart enough to realize that I would have kicked her fucking ass.

"Alice, I really don't feel like talking about it yet. You know, that whole jinxing it idea," I was praying that she would swallow up the bullshit I was spewing, "he's a great guy and I'd just like to keep it to myself… for now." I grabbed a navy blue square neckline dress out of the sea of conventional shit. It had cap sleeves like the other dress but it also had double-breasted metal buttons going down the front accented with a small belt. It was classy yet didn't look like I was going to hang with purpled haired wrinkled old hags and play a few games of Bridge. I pulled off my top and slid it on, trying to change as quickly as possible. I was still wearing grandma panties, not wanting to ruin any expensive undies, and the last thing I wanted to do was explain to Alice why I was smuggling a whole ham in between my legs. I was worried that she would pull out a camping stove and try cooking my piggy bits for an afternoon snack.

After I got the dress on, I turned towards the mirror taking a moment to just look at myself. I tried to pull my shoulders back and pushed my hair out of my face like my mom would often remind me to do while growing up. My eyes were darkened from the lack of sleep or possibly the unhealthy levels of alcohol I consumed on a weekly basis.

I was almost unrecognizable. And though the dress looked relatively nice on, I felt myself slipping into a moment of weakness. I wanted to punch the mirror, shatter it into pieces while absorbing the pain of the cuts it would leave behind. I was ashamed at not taking care of myself, allowing myself to turn into this disgusting human being which was now staring at me. I moved my arm slightly, hoping the reflection wouldn't follow. I was constantly disappointed in my own actions or lack there of.

"It's perfect," Alice said while placing her hands gently on my hips, smiling at the stranger in the mirror. I faked a smile and pushed some distance between the two of us. "So, now we need to get you some shoes and maybe some earrings. Do you have a black clutch? That would look nice, or maybe even red." Her ramblings were falling on deaf ears as I allowed my mind to wander to a time when I actually liked what I saw in the mirror.

After changing, I followed Alice downstairs to the shoe department. I didn't talk as she picked out some ridiculously high black naughty heels. We then made our way to the jewelry department where she picked out more fucking shit and I just nodded my head hoping that my lack of conversation would speed up our shopping experience. When we made it to the counter to pay I tried really hard not to faint, scream, or fucking cry when the total appeared on the register. It was more than three months rent and could have easily paid for all of my school books for the semester and my overpriced bullshit parking pass.

I opened up my purse to grab out my credit card, but before I could hand it to the minimum wage earning snooty bitch who had a look on her face like she was better than me and my Jessica Simpson purse that I bought on clearance at TJ Maxx, Alice had whipped out a stack of cash and started counting out hundreds.

"What the hell are you doing?" I asked, shoving her hand out of the way and pushing my credit card closer to the bitch that had clearly spent her whole month's paycheck on the outfit she was wearing.

"No, this is my treat. Please, it's the least I can do." The retail clerk who had an obvious attitude problem grabbed the cash from Alice and avoided my card as if it was dripping in SARS.

"Here you go," the fucking whore said as she made her way around the counter holding a garment bag in her hands, "thank you, as always, Ms. Cullen or should I say Mrs. Crowe?"

"Let's stick with Ms. Cullen until after the wedding. I still need to get use to the whole Mrs. Crowe, right now I still assume people are addressing my mother-in-law." Alice grabbed the bag while chatting with the skank. I stood there trying to shoot daggers at the fake bitch who was kissing Alice's ass. It was nauseating.

After a few more minutes of them chatting about nothing important, Alice turned around and started to head out through the door. I followed behind her like a damn puppy dog as we made our way back to the car. Before we got to the parking lot I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw an Aunt Anne's Pretzels right in front of me.

"Alice, slow down. I'm hungry and want to get a pretzel."

"Seriously Bella, do you know how many calories are in those carbzel's?" She tried to pull my arm but I held my ground. As if she could stop me. I wanted to eat a warm cinnamon sugar pretzel, savoring every bite, reminding me the whole time of Edward.

She rolled her eyes at me every time I let out a soft moan with each bite. But I didn't fucking care, I was in heaven. It was fresh out of the oven, so soft that it nearly melted when it touched the wetness of my tongue. It probably looked like I was in some cheap 1970's porn when I slowly pulled it out of my mouth, sucking the topping off the bread. I was mouth-fucking a god damn pretzel.

"So, I guess you really like those things?" Alice asked, watching me deep throat it again.

"Have you ever seen something that reminded you of sex?" I asked in between sucks.

"Yeah… everyone time I see a dog." I choked on my fellatio-cinnamon stick and gaped at her, pleading with my eyes to please fucking explain. Every fantasy I ever had with her was about to be ruined if she was admitting to joining in on some sick fucking bestiality fetish. I knew that in the backwoods of Washington it was somewhat popular, but I was hoping in Southern California people would at least resort to hookers or hobos if they were that horny and desperate.

"It's just…" she paused with embarrassment, "James will only have sex with me from behind. He says that if he isn't looking into my eyes then he can picture other people, which will keep things feeling fresh… and new." I didn't even fucking know what to say to that. Here she was, engaged to a man that couldn't look at her while they fucked, and she was trying to put on a smile while explaining. She was trying really hard to pretend it didn't hurt her as much as it did.

Hearing her explain his rationality was heart breaking. You could hear the pain in her voice brought on by feeling rejected by her own Fiancé. I felt for her, I had been there before but not with anyone I cared about. They made me feel used, but I didn't mind. I wasn't Alice, and I certainly hadn't been trying to create a family with them.

She looked like a little girl, lost in the mall, unable to find her family. I wanted to just hug her and tell her that every thing was going to be alright. But I couldn't, so I did the next best thing.

"You deserve better," I said. Three little words I wished someone would have told me years ago.

We left the mall and drove home in silence. When we pulled up to the condo I thanked her for taking me and for paying for the new outfit. She wished me luck at the lunch and reached her hand over to mine.

"Thank you Bella, for everything." I smiled at her for a moment before opening the door and sliding out of the Matchbox car.

I headed upstairs to the condo, in desperate need of a warm shower and some cold lotion for my itchy rash. It was still early, but I was ready to clean up and go to bed. I knew that being well rested would prepare me even more for my meeting with Stupid Bitch, and I had a feeling that I would need any extra leg up I could get.

The next morning when I woke up I decided instead of rushing around between school and the lunch meeting, that I would just skip class and take my time getting ready. To be honest, I was a little fucking bummed that I would miss watching Professor Fuck Me shake his tight little ass as he made his way from his desk to the whiteboard. Every time he would drop a marker, the room filled with soft moans as we all watched him slowly pick it up off of the floor. If my pocket vibrator was a little bit quieter I would tape it to my vagina and just enjoyed the visual along with the tickling of my clit.

I knew that Jake was going to be pissed if I missed class, so I decided to text the drama queen hoping that it would avoid his thong going any further up his ass, not that he would have minded.

_Jake, I won't be in class today. Make sure Prof. 'Hetero Fucking Machine' thinks I'm sick, tell him that I slept in your bed last night and now I have to go to the vet for a flea dip._

It only took a few minutes to receive a response from Captain Dick Sucker.

_Sick? So Eddie shot cum in ur eye & now u need to c a doctor 2 get some meds? I feel 4 u, jizz is painful in the eyes. Rinse it good, try eye drops. Works 4 me. BTW- Prof. 'I Prefer Dick' just asked me to cum to his office after class. :) _

Seriously, as much as that little fucker could annoy me, he always cracked my shit up. He never let me get away with a snarky remark with out some type of rebuttal of his own. If it weren't for his Photobucket being filled with gay porn, including some compromising positions for him, I would have honestly thought he was smuggling a tampon socket under the designer jeans.

When I finally decided to leave the security of my bed, I threw on my incredibly comfortable old lady bathrobe and made my way to the kitchen. After about twenty minutes of searching every nook and cranny for something to eat I decided on a bowl of Shredded Wheat. After about two bites of that shit I dumped it out and determined it would be better if I just fucking starved. At least it would taste better, fuck I was pretty sure that sucking down a tube full of Vagisil would taste better.

"Save me some," I heard Emmett's voice coming from his bedroom.

"You don't want any of this shit. They only put sugar on one side of the damn bite sized pieces of crap. No joke, they're pieces of crap in a box."

He came out of his room in just a towel, still wet from the shower. When he stood under a light, the water drops that were collecting all over his rock hard body made it looked like he was covered in glitter. I had always known he was cute, but at that moment I stared at him and just appreciated how beautiful he really was. I could only imagine what his fucking bitch of a mom looked like, with three gorgeous kids I'm sure she won't be an identical twin of Rosie O'Donnell.

"That's my favorite cereal," he said while grabbing the box off of the counter, "obviously you just have bad taste." Umm, yes… obviously I did. God damn, he was like a sculptured piece of art. I wanted to just look at him all day. No, I wanted to fuck him all day. I could just tell that he would know his way around a vagina, and most likely a sex shop, and I imagined we would have a very fucking fun time together. We would have an even better time if we could bring in Edward for a hot Cullen/Bella sandwich, but I was pretty sure neither one of them would be down with that. But a girl could always dream.

"Sweetie, I can't taste anything at all," I said in a sexy voice while walking back towards my room, "That's why I can eat a girl's pussy 365 days a year." I winked at him before turning my back to him. I could hear him laughing as I closed my bedroom door which made me laugh in return. I loved that I could joke with him and not worry about offending him, he was such a fucking riot. I really did kind of wish he was gay, because I would have paid to not only watch but also listen to him and Jake together.

A few hours before noon I started to get ready, literally shaking as I tried to put my eye liner on. I didn't know for sure why I was so fucking nervous, I felt like a virgin getting ready for her wedding day. The only difference was that she knew for sure she was going to get fucked, I was still confused on how our lunch meeting was going to go. I had the tendency of just assuming people will be assholes, so I come on strong from the get go and show them immediately that I don't play that shit. But with Esme, I wanted to try and give her the benefit of the doubt. I was pretty fucking out of it when she called, so maybe I did just take her tone the wrong way. And besides, I wanted to fuck her son or well, I wanted to fuck her two sons and daughter but I would settle for some all night Edward lovin'.

Before leaving, I took one last look in the mirror and was completely satisfied. I looked fucking hot. A little bit of makeup and a hairbrush did wonders. I turned around and smiled at the site of my hot fucking ass that I was always so proud of. It was not as large as Jennifer Lopez's but it was big enough to fill out a pair of Apple Bottom jeans, not that I would buy those motherfucking ugly jeans. But, if I did, I would have made Nelly very proud.

It didn't take me long to drive to the Del Mar race track. I followed the signs to the Turf Club and as I entered into the luxurious restaurant, the Maitre d' was standing in front of a small desk. As I moved in closer I realized that he was watching every step I took, at first I was nervous that he realized I was some white trash idiot trying to fit in. But I quickly realized, he was appreciating my fuckhotness. So, in perfect Bella form, I shook my ass just a tad bit more and put on my best smile.

"Good afternoon, Ma'am. Welcome to the Turf Club." He walked around the desk and grabbed my hand. He kept the grin on his face as he lifted my hand up to his lips and placed a tender kiss on the top.

"Hello, I'm meeting Mrs. Cullen for lunch," I had no fucking clue what to say and his lips lingering by my hand was starting to give me the creeps. It was cute for a second, but the longer he held on he started to give me some disturbing Hannibal Lecter vibes.

I had to actually clear my voice for him to finally let go of my fucking hand. I started to scan my surroundings and consider my options for shanks just in case the fucker wanted to eat me for lunch. I made sure to take a mental picture of him and check the local Megan's Law websites to see if he popped up. I was pretty sure he'd have a pretty long rap sheet full of sexual assaults with minors. He was an eighty year old perv.

He walked me past tables filled with rich old hags all gossiping about their lame friends, their rich husbands, and their pool men who for some reason needed to start cleaning their pools four times a week now. I smiled at the dirty old whores, hoping that one day when I became a dinosaur I would be as fucking cool as they were. As we approached Esme's table I noticed her copper hair which was almost the exact shade as Edward's. She looked like at one time she was probably a beautiful person; but not anymore.

When she stood up it looked like she was attempting to smile, but none of her face actually moved. She'd had one too many shots of Botox and was looking more like an Old Navy mannequin than a human being. Her boobs were pressed up to her chin which was clearly being affected a lot by gravity. As she shook my hand, I noticed how short she was, similar to Alice, except mixed with the florescent orange fake tan she looked exactly like an Oompa Loompa.

"Hello Isabella, it's very nice to meet you. Please sit down," she gestured to the chair which was across the table from hers.

"Please, call me Bella." I sat down in the chair and quickly pulled my napkin on to my lap, making sure I didn't forget it and ruin a fucking expensive dress that I would most likely never be seen in until my funeral.

"I prefer Isabella," yup, she was a fucking snatch. "So as you know, I clearly didn't invite you to socialize or to even eat lunch with you. I wanted to make sure that you were caught up to speed on the ground rules for your stay in my home."

"Oh, and what would those be?" I asked.

"Well, I'm sure that you're very familiar with my family and our wealth."

"Nope," I had assumed they had money, it was hard not to, but I didn't know much about it. I wasn't from the area, nor did I give a flying fuck.

"Sure you don't. Well since you want to pretend you don't know what I'm talking about, my father-in-law is the major shareholder to Cullen & Associates which is one of the largest investment firms in the nation." She started to spew their fucking resume to me as if I gave a shit.

"Well, just so we can be clear. I didn't come here to hire your company for any business deals. So, to be honest, I don't care what your company has or hasn't done. I would just like to know what you expect from me."

"Fair enough. My two boys are amazing, as I'm sure you already know. However, they've made many mistakes in their lives and unfortunately when you're an affluent family in this area, gossip tends to spread quickly. My father-in-law is tired of hearing our family name being dragged through the mud and he has given our family only one more shot."

"I'm still not following you, what does any of this have to do with me?" I was not only confused by the conversation, I was bored and extremely hungry. I was almost hungry enough to eat those half dipped in sugar, bite sized, shit logs from this morning.

"Let me dumb this down for you some," Fucking bitch just called me dumb. "If my boys make any more mistakes our family's multi-million fortune will not be passed down to us. I need you to keep an eye on Edward and Emmett. You'll be my eyes and ears when I'm not around to notify me of any changes in their lives."

"Changes? What type of changes are you talking about?" Still fucking confused by the shit she was spewing.

"Anything that would put my family's inheritance in jeopardy. So, a new girlfriend or late night activities, or maybe even not coming home in the evenings. I also expect you to make sure they are fed and kept in healthy condition." I was to be their cockblocker and their fucking nanny. This bitch apparently had one too many Botox shots in her forehead.

"Are you joking? If you want a babysitter, why didn't you just hire one?" I knew for a fact that she could find at least thirty illegal ladies off of Craigslist that she could pay under the table, and as a bonus they could teach her kids Spanish and manners, which she clearly lacked.

"I did." What the fuck? Did I look like a god damn babysitter? Responsibility was definitely not my forte.

"What the fuck, I answered for a room for rent. You allowed me to move in under false pretenses."

"I know for a fact that rent should be double what we are charging you." It was more like triple, which should have been the first red flag when I saw the ad. I remembered back to some of the other living situations I looked at becoming a part of, and the threesome gig with the weird couple was starting to sound better and better with each passing minute.

"Not good enough." This bitch was obviously a businesswoman, and I knew that in business people should always negotiate contracts before finally agreeing to them. And to be honest, any money saved would have helped me out a lot. Though I had some money from the sale of my mother's home, out-of-state tuition was killing me and so was my drinking problem. I rationalized that I could maybe drop down to part time school if I had to, but the thought of giving up the booze made me want to cry.

"Excuse me?" She placed her hand on her necklace, acting like I offended her. I wanted to slap her across the face. She was such a fucking bitch and she didn't even care. I could tell that she would be the whore who would steal my parking spot at the mall and then get out of her car and make some comment about how nicer cars get the priority. But, what she wasn't catching on to quick enough was that I was the girl who would not only key her car, but steal the navigation out of it as well.

"Oh, you heard me. If you want me to help you spy on your own grown children then I expect free rent and board." I wanted to add in things like a subscription to Hustler, unlimited access to porn on the television, and a year's supply of condoms. But I didn't want to push my luck.

"Fine," she didn't even hesitate, proving that I should have pushed my luck and at least asked for a credit card to a local sex store.

"Great, sounds like a deal. But for the record, I think you need some serious fucking help." I actually thought she needed more than just little bit of help. She also needed a heavy dose of medicine and a chin waxing, the three black hairs sticking out of her small mole was starting to really freak me out.

"Yeah, that's almost entertaining coming from you. Anyway, just remember that they don't know about our little condition. They believe that with Alice recently moving out, we had someone move in to take care of the house since they are so busy with their careers. Due to their multiple mistakes, my husband and I have requested that they live in this condo until the money is in our account." That would explain why a lawyer and a professional football player were shacking up together. I had always wanted to know, but didn't want to look too nosey. But, if they had agreed to this fucked up living situation, then they must have been after the same thing as Hairy the Hot Flash Whore.

"So, they're as greedy as you are?" I was very interested in her response, the idea of Edward being that money hungry almost made me sad.

"They're Cullen's. They weren't given any other option." Somebody needed to call the police, this bitch should have been arrested on a 5150. She'd gone fucking nuts and was starting to think she was Carmela Soprano or something.

"Who the fuck are you? The mob? What do you mean they weren't given any other option?"

"I would try to explain family loyalty to you but coming from a girl who probably has a family full of incest, I'm sure the term loyalty has a whole different meaning for you." I immediately took notice of the line of forks near my right hand. I wanted to shove them in her eye, or maybe her throat. Either way, I really had to hold back the urge to cut the fucking tramp.

"I'm sure you can understand the trailer park lifestyle, how did you meet your rich husband? Was he a client at your strip club, you know, back when your knees didn't sag as much as your breasts?" Or maybe when she only had one chin instead of three, or when her vagina didn't look like a god damn clown car from popping out three kids.

"Oh yes, great point." Yes, I knew she was a stripper, "Talking about sleeping your way into wealth, under NO condition do I want you to get your disease infested hands near my children. You're my employee, and there will be no fornication with my children." Little did she know it was my vagina with the rash, not my motherfucking hands.

"So, does this rule include your husband? Because, I bet he would love the way I suck dick. I'm sure he's tired of dealing with your anorexic frigid ass who probably can't remember the last time you enjoyed a good cock sucking." The thought of sucking dick made me immediately think of Edward and how badly I wanted to wrap my mouth around his. I couldn't believe that she not only wanted me to lie to him, but she also wanted me to keep my distance. She had some fucking nerve, and if I didn't hate her so much, I was pretty sure we could have been friends. Well, more like she could be that old lady I call when I'm bored or need money.

"Well, I think I've explained all the requirements. Just remember, it would be in your best interest not to mess with me or my family. Let's just say, I have _many_ friends in _many_ high positions." I could hear the sirens from the ambulance in the background, coming to pick up crazy and take her to a padded white room.

"Oh really? That's great, I heard that in California they allow medical marijuana, do you think you can get me a card to carry around? You know, just in case the po-po pulls me over one day and find a sack." Or a bong, pipe, and some paper.

"You have my phone number, I expect to hear from you soon." The bitch had an issue with ignoring my questions and answered only what she felt necessary. I wanted to throw myself on the ground, kicking and screaming like a toddler. My sarcasm always seemed to get a reaction, but this whorebag was ignoring me.

I got the hint that I was no longer needed, or wanted, so I stood up and started to walk away. I wanted to go home and call Jake, I needed someone's opinion on what to do. The idea of not paying for rent or food was so amazing, but it was attached to things like lying to people I liked, and not fucking Edward like I planned to do once my vagina stopped looking like a teenager's face all broken out with acne. I took a few steps and immediately stopped when I thought about what she'd said.

I turned back around to the table she was still sitting at. "Oh, just for some clarification? If your kids put their hands one me, then that's alright?"

"Leave Isabella." She fucking excused me, like I was a dog that was pissing her off by bringing mud into her house. I was pretty sure my face was bright red, with steam coming out of my ears. I wanted to kick her in the fucking head with my six inch heels. I wanted to do physical damage to her, but knew that she would have me thrown in jail without even thinking twice about it. Then, I would have to explain to Edward why I fucked up his mother and why it was probably best to keep my distance with him, especially with the restraining order his mom would have against me.

I started to walk again towards the door when I noticed a table full of older business men. They were old enough to have donated sperm to create my mother, but I didn't give a fuck. I wanted Esme to know that though I was desperate for a room, especially a free one, I wasn't going to bow down to her nor was I going to allow her to control me. I walked up to one of the guys who had his chair scooted back far enough that I could squeeze in. I hiked my dress up and threw my leg over his lap, straddling him.

His expression was priceless, as was Esme's who started to stand up but froze when I pushed my vagina closer to his growing penis.

"If I want to take him home, fuck him until he's too raw to go on any longer, or at least until the Viagra wears off; I will." I smiled back down at the horny grandpa. His thick black rimmed glasses were starting to fog up from his heavy breathing, and I moved my hands to his knee's, giving them a nice little squeeze. It was the least I could do for him not pushing me on my ass in front of everyone.

"I'm so sorry, Judge Bell. This is a distant niece. A very, very distant niece who actually suffers from some… medical problems." Esme walked over to us and was trying to keep her voice down, completely mortified by the scene. I would have freaked out over the fact that I was dry humping a Judge, but watching the snobby hooker flip out was worth the arrest that I was pretty sure would follow.

"Yup, that's right. I'm the fucking crazy one. Keep telling yourself that." I bent down to Judge Bell's ear and whispered, "So Judge, why don't you call me sometime. I'm always horny, love to swallow, and prefer anal… giving or receiving…. I have some dildos that would make you cum within seconds. Promise." I expected him to yell or scream or something. He just sat there, smiling. If he didn't have a face full of sun spots I may have considered giving him a little taste of my highly talented tongue.

Esme grabbed me and pulled me off of his lap. I was surprised by her strength, never realizing that old people even had muscles. "She was just leaving," she tried whispering to the table full of men.

"Screw you, I'm going home to fuck whomever I want," I yelled loud enough that everyone in the restaurant could hear, "forwards, backwards, sideways and maybe in the case of your husband… on your bed. And let's keep it real, underneath the thick layer of makeup and the plastic surgery, you're not too bad for an old hag, so you can join in too. I don't mind adding a little prune to my sex sandwich."

Before I could continue with my little rant the Maitre d' had pulled me out of Esme's grip and was dragging me to the door. He was mumbling something about calling the cops and how I was never welcome back in their restaurant again, and if he could find a way I would never be welcomed back at the race track or even in the county again. Everyone was staring at me, shocked by the scene, which made me laugh. I was so fucking pissed by the _lunch_ that we had, I didn't care. And the whore didn't even feed me, which didn't help out with my attitude.

As I was being shoved out the door I made sure to wish her well. "Nice seeing you Auntie Esme," I screamed.

Security escorted me to my car, and reminded me that I was no longer welcome back at least a hundred times. It wasn't the first time I had been kicked out of some place before, and I'm sure it wasn't going to be the last. I didn't give a fuck, I drove away with a smile on my face, proud that I didn't let that bitch have the last word.

When I walked in the front door, I threw my purse on the entry table. Looking around, I noticed that Emmett wasn't home which was perfect since I really just wanted to be alone. I made it to the safe haven of my bedroom door, and as I pushed it open I was shocked at what I saw.

Edward was lying on my bed, home two days earlier than I expected. He had fallen asleep, fully dressed, lying over the covers. Beside him was a huge bouquet of flowers, and though I would have typically laughed at any dumbass who would buy me flowers, these were completely different. There, wrapped in clear plastic wrap, were tons of petite, perfectly blue, Forget-Me-Not's.

I carefully walked over to the bed, making sure not to wake him. He looked so fucking peaceful just lying there. My fingers lightly traced over a few flower petals as I tried to control my emotions, surprised by my enjoyment of watching a man sleep. The new experience was stirring up so many feelings inside of me, but instead of running I decided to move in closer. Embracing the pussy romantic moment.

I sat on my bed for about a half hour, watching him take in deep breaths and release them through his nose. I enjoyed watching his chest rise and fall, knowing that he was real and not just a figment of my imagination. I played different scenarios through my head on how I could explain to him that we could no longer see each other. I also tried to think of ways to explain the police showing up at the door soon with an arrest warrant for me. Everything I'd tried to avoid with him was starting to crumble. He was like this china doll that I'd put really high on a shelf, wanting to play with but afraid I would break it. And now, after watching him for so long and never touching him, I walk into my room and someone had broken him for me. His mother had broken everything I was really starting to enjoy.

Eventually I got tired and laid my head down on the pillow next to his. Our heads were touching as I snuggled my nose into his untamed hair, smelling his shampoo.

"Bella," he moaned as he stretched out his arms, "how long have you been home?" Oh, not that long. I was pretty sure he could look at the security tapes on file at the Del Mar race track for the exact time I left there and added in about fifteen or twenty minutes.

"Not that long," I spoke into his hair, not wanting to lift my head and look him in the eyes. Not ready to say good bye.

"I was planning on surprising you, but I guess next time I'll try to stay awake." Lying next to him I started to slowly understand why so many people craved relationships, moving quickly from one to another. I was sure that over time the connection you share with your partner would start to become more like an addict to their drug; their own personal heroin. I could picture you not being able to get enough, constantly waiting for the next hit. But like any drug user, eventually your addiction catches up and the world tries to rip you two apart.

"Here, these are for you," He sat up and handed me the beautiful bouquet of flowers. "I saw them and thought of you."

"Thank… you," I choked on my words while trying to keep my floodgates closed.

"You look beautiful. I don't think I've ever seen you in a dress before." Well, the best thing of that statement was at least I would've looked nice in my mug shots.

"I went to a funeral," I couldn't resist, "a local hooker that was friends of a friend died. I felt obligated to go and show my respects."

He looked utterly confused, forcing me to bite down on my lip trying to hide my smile. "I'm sorry to hear that. So, umm… not to change the subject or anything but, I've been wondering all day. When I realized what the name of those flowers tattooed on your feet were, I've been going over all different reasons for them. And, I was wondering if you would… maybe give me a little insight?" He was looking down at the flowers while talking to me, I could tell that he was as nervous of the question as I was of answering it. I didn't know if I was really ready to do much explaining yet. I wanted to just enjoy our time together before bringing in reality, which came in the form of his mother and the Sherriff's department.

"What would you like to know?" I was trying not to hide, but internally begging he wouldn't push me too soon. I had never explained them to anyone, and didn't know for sure if I wanted to at the moment.

"Why the Forget-Me-Not's?" He asked, pointing to the tattoos on my feet.

"I got them to represent two experiences in my life that changed me. I guess, I wanted to internally remind myself that no matter what, I wouldn't ever try to forget the tragedies but instead carry them with me everyday. Especially since they make me who I am, you know?" In that moment, I was more honest than I'd ever thought was possible. I felt that my honesty with him would soon be fading with the new arrangement his mother was forcing on to me, so I embraced this moment.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, "I wish I could've been there for you."

I leaned my face into his, placing my hand lightly on his jaw as I pressed my lips to his. The tenderness of the kiss sent a shiver of warmth up my whole body. As our mouths moved in sync like some romantic ballroom dance, I squeezed my eyes shut and just enjoyed the moment. I took my time, trying to concentrate on going slow instead of shoving my tongue down his throat like I wanted to do. I wanted to use his tie to hold him down to the bed and fuck the money hungry snob right out of him. But instead, I relaxed and allowed our tongues to caress each other while his hand moved from the bed to my shoulder, squeezing it in a sign of reassurance. At that moment, I forgot about the world, the broken walls, my past, and his mother. I was his, as he was mine.

We took our time, gradually breaking apart our embrace. And, as we sat there just staring at each other our bond started to grow stronger. I could feel the gravity pulling us together, and even if I wanted to try and stop it, I was too late.

"Bella, why would you get the other tattoo?" His hand moved to the back of my neck, lightly massaging it.

"I was in a really dark place at that time. So much had happened to me, in what felt like overnight, and I was left all alone. I felt unworthy of anyone else's love or affection. I truly felt forgotten."

"You will never be a _Lost Cause_, and I promise to spend everyday of my life proving that to you." Life seemed to freeze as I sat there replaying his words back in my head over and over again.

That was the moment when I realized step three: _I was no longer a lost cause_. It was short and sweet, but probably the hardest step thus far to write down on a piece of paper. To truly start to believe that I had some type of self worth was a new concept for me. From the moment I was abandoned by my own biological dad, I assumed that I was never worth someone's time let alone someone's love. Everyone always said that there is no love stronger than the love a parent has for a child. So, if my father left and never looked back, not even once, what did that mean for me?

My mother used to tell me to move on; she would say that he wasn't worth the tears. And, maybe it was easier for her to say. He was just a husband to her, someone only bound to her on paper. He was my flesh, my own motherfucking blood. When she would slander his name and ridicule his existence to her friends, I sat there wondering if she felt the same about me. I questioned her love, wondering if she regretted me more than she ever even knew. I held her back; she was stuck at home with me at nights instead of being able to party with the other divorced women. The regret seemed to move to hate, in my opinion. She would often get so mad that she would wish me dead. I looked back later and blamed it on all the stress she was under being a single mom with not much family to help her out.

As a child, when you don't even feel love from your parents its hard to ever feel love for yourself. I hurt myself and I hid my pain to the outside world with humor. I begged for the numbness, wanting to recreate it everyday. The night I got the tattoo on my neck I'd stolen my neighbor's drivers license and took a bus downtown to the local tattoo parlor. It was my sixteenth birthday. My mom and step-father were on a vacation and didn't have access to a phone to call me. I'd received a post card from them, telling me how wonderful a time they were having and how much they weren't ready to come home. In the bottom corner of the card there was a little note: _P.S. Happy 16__th__ Birthday_. That was the only acknowledge I'd gotten from anyone.

The tattoo artist was apprehensive about the tattoo, but I told him that I had wanted it for years. I explained to him that it actually held a nice special meaning in my heart, which was all a lie. As I lay on the table, I immersed myself in the pain from the needle internally begging for more. When he was done, he had me stand up and take a look at it in the mirror. There, hidden underneath all of my hair were the two little words: _Lost Cause_. These two little words helped me get through many rough times in my life. Anytime I would feel left out or alone, I would push back my ponytail and remind myself of why I was unloved. It was a constant reminder, easier hidden than cut marks on a wrist but just as effective. It was my own personal secret; until Edward. He probably never fully understood how much I kept to myself, and how hard these baby steps were for me. But it didn't matter; all that mattered was that he was with me. He was willing to not give up. I didn't care about rules or outside people; I was willing to sacrifice whatever I needed to in order to keep him in my life.

~*~

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Next chapter will be posted: Wednesday, Oct 7th!


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